Abbott's appalling goal-scoring form continued in last Sunday's big match against St Anselms. Once again the ageing striker drew a blank, but more importantly missed an absolute sitter near the end that would surely have bagged Logica all three points. Unperturbed however, Abbott has been delving deep into his huge database of excuses in a bid to justify his continued selection.

A wretched run of form has seen him snaffle just one goal all season. Critics are also pointing to the number of key chances missed at vital times in key games. In the season's opening game against St Augustines, Abbott somehow contrived to blast a volley wide from just eight yards with the goal at his mercy, a contest that ended 2-2. Despite scoring in the top-of-the-table clash with Lusitanos (heading simply into an open goal), Abbott later missed an even easier far post chance when he hooked a low Spence cross into the side netting from just six yards. This game ended in a one-all draw, as did last Sunday's game with St Anselms, when Abbott found himself clear on goal and just minutes remaining. However a weakly snatched shot was easily blocked by a stranded keeper, and the chance was gone.

A pack of baying press hounds claim Abbott's inability to find the target on these occassions has cost Logica a 100% record, and a haul of six more points. These Colesque statistics could have been worse had his young strike partner Hoyland not bailed him out in the match against Wandsworth Town. With the match evenly balanced at 1-1, Abbott ballooned a penalty high and wide, but Hoyland's remarkable six-goal performance saved the day. And Abbott revealed how his woeful form is affecting his private life. "I can't go out in public now without being barracked. Only last Monday I was having a quiet drink in the local, and some Logica fan started taking the mickey. It's terrible."

After this famous penalty miss, the barn-door merchant had concocted some flimsy pseudo-scientific waffle concerning his new boots, something to do with a chemical reaction between the black dye and yellow leather causing an extremely shiny surface. Such creative chemistry can now be revealed as utter twaddle, based on exhaustive tests sponsored by "If Selected...", and carried out at a top scientific establishment by a leading egg-head professor type.

Somewhat embarrassed by these findings, Abbott has now resorted to the lame spiritual fantasies first tried by that other top chance-muffer, Nicolas Anelka. The ex-Arse whinger last season claimed that his flat was inhabited by ghosts who were his "friends". Sensationally Abbott today followed suit, spookily claiming: "I must have upset the Bobble Gods in a past life. They are wreaking terrible revenge on me!" The net-shy forward went on to explain, "Every time I get into a good scoring position, these Gods get to work, and zap down a small bobble which instantly forms just under the ball. As a result my shot is inevitably scuffed and the chance missed."

The misguided misser then tried to justify his continued selection in the team. "It could be worse. At least I'm still getting into the positions. If the chances stopped coming my way then I really would be worried," he said with a straight face. "All I need is one goal, and I'm sure my confidence will return, and there will be a veritable deluge of the things." As the press conference was about to finish, he added with a mysterious smile "In any case, I am 100% certain that whoever picks the team this Sunday will show faith in my abilities..."