Tap Difficulties AS THE END of another fabulous season approaches, the mind of your average Sunday morning footballer inevitably turns to Annual Awards. Football is largely about glory, and there is no better manifestation of personal footballing glory than an Award, especially if it is gained courtesy of the votes of your fellow amateurs. As the national football media preoccupy themselves with the trivialities of the The Footballer of the Year nominations, and FourFourTwo magazine announces the results of their extensive Greatest Manager of All Time poll*, we here at "If Selected..." are, as usual, well ahead of the game.

We have already handed out more awards this season than your average Oscars hostess. The Player of the Millennium , the Supremo of the Millennium, and the scorer of the Greatest Goal of the Millennium have all staggered home clutching a treasured and prestigious bauble confirming them as the best in a field. And now, without further ado, we would like to present the first Logica Football Club seasonal award. Taking our lead from FourFourTwo, we sought a wide-ranging and representative electorate (Mark Abbott, in fact) which of course produced an indisputable and deserving award winner (Mark Abbott, in fact). So you can’t say fairer than that, can you?

As well as being fascinating in its own right, our first award of the season also just goes to prove that there is little difference in reality between your modern Sunday League ale-house footballer and the highly-paid professional Superstars of the Premier League. So, pray silence for a nerve-jangling drum-roll as we announce (in reverse order of course) the.....

"If Selected..."
INJURIES OF THE SEASON
(5) Reevaldo - as a result of some dance-floor wizardry, everyone's favourite hole-merchant picked up groin, knee, ankle and associated injuries that will require him to have a standard Lag hernia op at the end of the season. None of your run-of-the-mill falling-over-whilst-drunk explanations from the Walsall Wizard though. Oh no. The injury was caused whilst attempting a complicated, over-elaborate and completely unnecessary new dance routine to "D-I-S-C-O".
(4) Simon Groom - sustained serious back and stomach injuries - as a result of falling over whilst dancing at a "top" London discotheque - which have kept him out for the last three weeks. A fairly common place footballing injury, you may think, but Groom adds his own inimitable style and elan to the injury by not being able to remember it happening at all: "I was completely ‘annihilated’ at the time!" he explained.
(3) Paul Banoub - suffered very heavy bruising of the rib-cage after chasing an imminently departing night-bus in Trafalgar Square. As many a Sportsman’s League defender has concluded this season, the only way to stop Banoub is to bring him down illegally. And it was exactly this last-ditch tactic, borne out of frustration and desperation, that was chosen by the metal crash barrier that Banoub claims never even to have seen.
(2) Jeff Hatton - a fairly dreary knee injury picked up on the field of play was made far worse and far more entertaining when Hatton opted for some controversial spare time activities. Glibly offering to run the line in Logica’s match against Zeebras just after Christmas, with not even a thought for his own safety, Hatton was so intent on keeping up with play as he flagged a tight offside decision that he failed to notice the kit-bag lurking with intent on the touchline. Down went Hatton, no free-kick, and the commanding defender was out for another two months.
(1) Mark Abbott - a unanimous winner of the season’s first award largely for his creative use of domestic animal accessories, Abbott went shopping to buy some cat litter to placate the "If Selected..." Office Pet (who churns out more shit than The Editor!). Having purchased three large bags, this season’s leading scorer characteristically tried to attempt the impossible, and carry all three to the car in one go. Result: "severely" torn back muscles causing him to miss the match against Moon, and reminisces of the legendary England cricketer Derek Pringle, who once had to miss a test match after pulling a back muscle whilst writing a letter!

And just to prove that your Sunday morning amateur is not far off Premiership standards, here is a list from 1998 compiled by the most excellent Football365 web-site.


OUCH! - FOOTBALL'S
WEIRDEST INJURIES
News reaches us that David Hirst’s injury jinx has struck again. The man who’s had more knocks than a postman will miss the start of Southampton's season after slipping on a pebble during a training run. Fairly bizarre, you might think, but not as bad and mad as these injuries from hell.

(1) Dave Beasant, early in his time at Southampton, dropped a bottle of salad cream on his foot, and was out for a couple of months.

(2) Alex Stepney, Manchester United’s goalkeeper, dislocated his jaw in 1975 shouting at his defence.

(3) Dean Barrick of Preston had coffee spilled in his lap by a waitress last January and missed a month.

(4) Terry Fenwick broke his foot simply by kicking a ball in the warm-up before Tottenham’s 1991 FA Cup Fifth Round match at Portsmouth.

(5) Kevin Keegan got his toe stuck in a bath tap in the early Seventies and missed several matches for Liverpool.

(6) Alan Mullery missed the 1966 World Cup after cricking his back while shaving.

(7) Chic Brodie was run into by a dog while playing in goal for Brentford in 1970 and was so badly injured that his league career was virtually finished.

(8) Alan McLoughlin of Portsmouth tore tendons in his arm picking up his baby daughter in 1994 and was out for a month.

(9) Noel Whelan of Coventry kicked in a shop window in the 1997 close-season and did not play until December.

(10) Celestine Babayaro of Chelsea broke his leg somersaulting to celebrate a goal (scored by someone else!) in a pre-season match at Stevenage last year and therefore didn’t make his debut for the Blues until October.

* Surprisingly in a poll including voters such as "Sir" Alex Ferguson, Bryan Robson, Steve Coppell, Peter Davenport, Sammy McIlroy, Andy Ritchie, Chris Turner, and Alex McLeish, the winner was, er, "Sir" Alex Ferguson. Uncanny eh? Still, he has won a European Cup you know.