The fallout from Logica's rather heavy defeat last weekend at the hands of Pump House has been seismic. Reactions have been varied and extreme. And one club member has already done the honourable thing and fallen on his own sword.

It is inevitable that such a humiliating defeat would claim at least one victim. Usually in these circumstances it is somebody with direct responsibility - the Supremo, the captain, or one or more of the players. Somewhat surprisingly in this particular case, it is none of these. Instead a Lag has taken it upon himself to retire, and has earnestly promised (in writing) never to play again.

Meanwhile the Supremo has been learning from some of the best managers in the country, and has chosen a particularly Wengeresque 'I didn't see it' response to last Sunday's crisis. "I have to confess that I missed goals one to nine," wriggled Groom yesterday. "And I only caught the tenth because I happened to be facing the right way at the time. For the other nine I was remonstrating with the fourth official about a foul throw in the first minute."

This particular cyber-rag looked high and low for a scapegoat after Sunday's thrashing, but was unable to find one. Groom was more successful in his search. "To be honest the referee has to take the blame for at least ten of the goals due to his inability to understand the off-side rule. If those ten had been disallowed like they should have been, and Gautam's goal had been allowed to stand, then we would actually have won 1-0" calculated our leader.

The new Supremo also showed no fear at the prospect of the shortest reign in Logica history. Just four matches into what was initially heralded as a bold new era (three matches if you don't count the one he was on holiday for), the familiar knee-jerk chants of "Groom Out!" have been heard ringing around the terraces at Logica's Grand Drive Stadium. The man himself will not countenance being made the scapegoat for such a poor performance, however.

"I can assure the press that I've been given the full backing of the board," he stated confidently yesterday. "I stand by my selection policy, and the recalling of Keith Sidaway should in no way be attributed to the result. The fact that he has a car is neither here not there," blasted Groom in response to accusations in some quarters that Sidaway was only selected because the team were short of cars to take them from the station to the ground.

"I also stand by the relegation of Abbo to the bench," added Groom, somewhat more controversially. "Competition for places is the life blood of a team and I'd expect him to react by hitting the onion sack in the next game," said the Supremo with a straight face. "This is where you find out what your players are made of and see if they can let their football do the talking."

The Norwich man's youthful enthusiasm in unquashed by two heavy reverses in succession. "The team will, I'm sure, put this 'blip' behind them come Sunday against the exceptionally fit London Radnor side. I had a scout at the London Radnor v Pump House game on the first weekend of the season [a match the home side lost 5-2] and this fact was reported back to me."

In time-honoured fashion, Groom intends to solve the problem by throwing more money at it. "The board have also released the 'purse strings' so I now have an extra bag of peanuts, a pint of Carling, two Marlboro Lights and a packet of Cheese and Onion crisps to splash out on some new signings. I feel that the club is in good stature and set up for league domination in the coming seasons," added our leader convincingly.

Groom was also at pains to stress that the players are all behind him, indicating that he has heard of little or no dressing room discontent. He would only admit that "a certain previous manager has also put the boot in." In the interests of team spirit, Groom would not be naming names however. "The Scottish git will however remain nameless," he concluded with integrity.

This cosy picture of team togetherness was backed up by some strong support from one of the players themselves. In a written statement, "Big" Jez Brown stated "I will be having no part of a management witch hunt. I shall point out that [the team] were dogged by injuries and out of form strikers."

Getting somewhat carried away with his role as players spokesperson, the man who has modelled himself on Ron Atkinson continued by observing "It is interesting to note that the majority of the season's goals have come from midfield. We may have lost badly this week against a fairly strong side, but the avalanche of goals which sealed our fate the week before was heralded by a certain penalty miss. We were on top at the time and, had that penalty gone in, would have been trailing 3-2 and back in the game."

Brown concluded that it "just goes to show that you can only pick the players from those available and if they don't perform it isn't completely [the Supremo's] fault. A little early for the cries of 'Groom out'" was the full-back-come-centre-forward's considered opinion on the matter.

Meanwhile, Lag circles were still reeling from the shock retirement of one of their most legendary number. Malcolm Dick, who played a game of football only last season, took his legion of fans by surprise via a terse press release that linked his departure with the aftermath of Sunday's 10-0 defeat - even though the cultured libero was not even playing!

The statement read as follows. "It is with regret that I announce my final retirement from Logica Football Club and the associated Lags. This action has been forced on me by Mr Abbott and his refusal to discuss the outcome of the game on Sunday and therefore excluding me by his (in)action from the world of Logica Football. This forced exclusion leaves me with no honourable option but to retire. Malcolm Dick."

Apparently Mr Dick had signed a similar pledge in front of a shocked gaggle of Lags at their weekly Cabal meeting last Monday evening. "If Selected..." has been fortunate to come by this historic piece of paper, and reproduces this below as proof of the sincerity and determination of Mr Dick to carry out his threat. We wish to state categorically at this juncture that we are not publishing this in an attempt to force Mr Dick to keep to his promise.

Dick was initially unwilling to enlarge on his formal statement. However, within hours, the former defender was maniacally blathering on about cement, bricks and the Forth Road Bridge, whilst likening himself to Bill Shankly, Skippy to Bob Paisley, and Mark Abbott to Emile Heskey. Mr Dick further refuted accusations that he had 'lost all power of logical reason', even when it was pointed out to him that Heskey had in fact scored a hat-trick last Sunday as his team closed in on that elusive first Premiership title.

However, this blaze of publicity could simply be a smokescreen for a more mundane departure from the game he has graced for nearly twenty years. "If Selected..." has obtained exclusive revelations from a secret medical insider, who has hinted that Dick may in fact have been forced to retire due to injury. The ex-cultured libero is alleged to be suffering from a serious "mote in the eye". Now, we here at "If Selected..." are no experts, but it seems quite clear that one of these mote things would seriously impair Dick's on-field vision, thus making it impossible for him to play ever again. And our source was uncertain whether surgical technology had advanced far enough to enable Mote Extraction operations to be performed safely under the National Health Service.

So as Groom ploughs bravely on, the football world remains in mourning tonight at the loss of one of the finest defenders of his generation, and fears must remain that there will be further casualties resulting from last Sunday's defeat.