Before you can bring in the new, its out with the old. Just ask Gianfranco Zola. And so it was that on the eve of the new 2003/04 season, the great and the good of Logica Football Club assembled in a familiar top notch West End eatery to see off the previous campaign, and reward those who had stood out (or indeed had stood in).
But before the gain (for some at least), the pain. To eke out the anticipation to unendurable levels, an extended aperitif had been organised. Perhaps it was a clever tactical ploy by the wise Supremo to ease the disappointment of a season of promotion boat-missing, and demonstrate that his charges were actually pretty good players relatively speaking. To this end he organised a comically bad display of the footballing arts by a troupe of rank amateurs at a venue, appropriately enough, called The Comedy. Liechtenstein weren’t much better either (cue cymbal crash).
After what seemed an eternity, the misery was close to an end. As soon as it was polite to do so, a nervous gaggle of finely tuned athletes and their better halves staggered out of The Comedy, and headed off for the familiar comforts of the Raj Tandoori. Soon Seekh's had been scoffed and Patias had been put away, and an expectant hush fell as our leader rose purposefully shuffling his sheaf.
[Read the Supremo's thoughts on the 2002/03 season]
As ever, proceedings started with our most recent accomplishments, this summer’s World Cup in Rome. First up were those spritely Nippers, who may regard this year’s efforts as a disappointment after their quarter-final showing in Prague, but at least ended on a winning note.
The Nippers suffered from a very small squad, and indeed had to snaffle a Lag at the thirteenth hour to give themselves any chance at all in the sweltering heat. But you know you’re always guaranteed quality when you go shopping in Lagville, and experienced midfield maestro Martin McWilliam lived up to brand standards as he came third in the Nipper Poll. Runner-up was Mark Allen, who had impressed throughout and scored the goal in the youngsters best performance against the Welsh. But the over-whelming winner with three fifths of the vote, was Nipper keeper, Gavin Adcock who had pulled off save after save in a string of superb performances behind a constantly under-pressure defence.
Of the three England sides in Rome it was the Pups who fared best, reaching the semi-final for the second year running. With a high turn-out at the polls in this category, it was the defensive triumvirate of Mainwaring, Hatton and Brown that shared third spot, reflecting a rearguard miserliness that saw the Pups concede just a solitary goal in the group stage.
But the Pups success was not simply based on a Houllier-esque blanket of negativity. They also boasted one of the best attacking midfields in the tournament, a quartet that contributed six goals in as many games. The fulcrum of this power-house was the central pairing of Dav Gautam and international debutante James Buck. Both combined their creative talents with non-stop running in the unforgiving Roman heat. Both chipped in with a goal apiece too, and the electorate were unable to separate the two complementary midfielders who finished joint runners-up in the poll.
But it was a familiar figure who was the clear winner with 40% of the electorate plumping for him as top of the Pups in Rome. It was honorary Englishman Sandric Loriot who once again excelled in the red and black shirt, scoring four goals and providing a constant attacking threat with a wide range of breath-taking skills that his peers deemed to be the most significant contribution to taking the youngsters so close to a first World Cup Final.
By their own high standards, the Lags had a disappointing tournament. Although they only lost one match (against Italy) and scored more goals than all other teams except the eventual winners, a failure to win key group games saw them exit at the Group stage on the Saturday for the first time in their illustrious World Cup history. That said, there were still plenty of impressive individual performances, and the electorate’s votes were spread as large as the average Lag girth.
This was reflected in the results, where three players shared the runners-up spot. Kev Spence again displayed great quality in a range of positions from back to front, and scored a cracking goal to boot. Meanwhile the lion of Lyon, Pete Venis, showed what the Lags had missed in Prague as he was recalled to the squad, and supplied his brilliantly effective combination of flair, organisation and ruthless tackling in the role of sweeper. And Mark Abbott continued his goalscoring form in the post-fag era, notching three this time out to take his record international tally to 23 goals in 40 games, and extending his record of having scored in every one of the nine World Cups.
But there was a clear-cut winner as most Laudible Lag, a man who also scored three goals, and who got on the end of approximately half of the voters crosses. It was Stevey Lambert, of course, whose pace seems undiminished as the years march on, and who continues to cause opposing teams difficulties at all levels with his deadly runs from deep. He caused a constant threat, and also contributed much selfless running in midfield and down the flanks, and, as ever, proved a popular and deserving Lag winner.
Before moving on to the big gongs, the Gaffer donned an air of gravity to announce a number of very special awards. As ever, there were a wide range of deserving cases, many of whom value these individual nominations for outstanding contributions to team morale higher than the more traditionally prestigious awards.
Take Paul Banoub, for example: a fine club man whose contribution extends far beyond his work in the box, and whose statistical mastery is not slow to be recognised by his colleagues. One voter (amongst many) could hardly contain their eulogical excitement in nominating Super Noobles for the annual Paul Banoub Goals-Per-Minutes-On-The Pitch Award: "his commitment, drive and enthusiasm ... demonstrates just how much each minute of each match means".
But its not just this exceptional minute, nay second, rate effort on the goals front: Its also the high entertainment value associated with any Banoub strike that keeps the crowd enthralled. Voters appreciated "little snippets, like scoring a goal and then asking 'where is that f-ing number four...'". In similar vein, the Teesside goal machine also walked away with The WWF Award "for his relentless pantomime sledging of opposing defenders and keepers. " And to complete a glittering night for the young striker, Banoub also wheeled away with the prestigious Simon Groom Village Idiot Award for Goal Celebrations for numerous examples of his "trademark Channon-esque windmill celebration whilst verbally abusing the nearest defender".
But he is not alone, as the Logica team, and the England Pups in particular, are clearly a side packed full of entertainers. Newcomer James Buck quickly acclimatised in his first World Cup, and his contribution to tour morale was acknowledged via The Strawberry Daquiri Award for "those shoes". Despite the sad demise of the Cardboard Box, Hoyzone was still able to make a splash in Rome, and impressed in front of the Diving Board who unanimously bestowed upon him The John Smiths Award, not for Pires-style fabrications on the pitch, "but rather in the swimming pool at La Borghesiana". At the other end of the entertainment scale, the legendary Sidaway could not be kept out of the limelight, skulking away with The Goodyear Tyre Award for Tight Cornering.
Continuing the lurid descent into the realms of tabloid scandal, a number of less savoury events during the season also got a mention. Nich Fazel set the ball rolling down hill by flouncing off with The David Connolly I-Didn’t-Sign-To-Sit-On-The-Bench Award. Having made some space courtesy of The Toys Out of The Pram Award for top-drawer "petulance" in the South West Utd match (which provoked the infamous "you’re spoiling it for everybody else" retort from the referee), Captain Reevaldo promptly filled it with his first Manager of the Months Award "for single-handedly giving Logica a three-month unbeaten run in mid-season courtesy of ShabbyGate".
Stiff competition for the Supremo then, but he was easily up to the job. Having seen off his regular side-kick Jez Brown, who pocketed The Graham Taylor Gong for "his tactics, starting line-up and half-time teacups against Gardeners Arms" as consolation, Groom asserted his authority by claiming The Markus Babbel Bauble awarded to the "most incapacitated player" for his heroics at the South West Utd game at Boston Manor. Another equally awe-struck voter paid tribute to the gaffer, "who, whilst displaying a distinctly off-green colour, lasted until half-time on the sidelines before heading off to be sick on the tube". In terms of inspirational leadership by example, the pretenders are still clearly trailing in the great man’s wake.
As one might expect, the top three in The Golden Boot Award were Logica’s main strikers. This is how it should be, although, if pressed, the Supremo may well have admitted at the outset to hoping for higher returns from his goal-getters in chief. All had good excuses, of course.
Nigel Hoyland, in third spot, was once again the victim of his own flexibility, acquiescing to play impressively in a range of positions in goal, defence, midfield and attack. A grateful Gaffer had only the highest praise for such sacrifices for the greater good, noting that 5 goals was "no mean feat seeing as he played quite a few games in goal and elsewhere". The runner-up was Paul Banoub, whose 7 goals represented an excellent return on investment (as recognised in other award categories) given that he only started seven matches.
But the winner must now boast an Imelda Marcos-sized collection of Golden Boots after Abbott finished top of pile again with 10 goals. In fact the Methuselian striker appeared in rejuvenated form after packing in the fags, storming his way into double figures in the scoring charts after just nine matches. But age is catching up faster than most defenders, and the annual hamstring-twang in the Gardeners Arms match effectively ended his prolific season.
Despite 38 domestic goals and 26 World Cup goals to choose from, there were grumblings-a-plenty from a disgruntled electorate that it had been a season of quantity rather than quality. This was reflected in voters variously crossing against eight different goals, although the winner received a statistically significant proportion of those votes. That goal was Nigel Hoyland’s last-gasp equaliser against Spencers that rescued a point from a game "we had no right to get anything out of". The strike’s merits were as much the way Hoyzone kept his cool in a nerve-wracking one-on-one so late in the game, as the technical excellence of the finish. The fact that Hoyzone scored two goals on his return after the birth of his first child also seemed to appeal to the romantics in the electorate.
Elsewhere, style appeared as important as substance. The runner-up was Banoub’s back-stick bullet header against SW18, but the celebrations were what caught the voters’ eyes: "Everyone likes to see the caged tiger freed". Likewise, Noobie’s exquisite match-winning tap-in against Radnor, nominated "for the supreme execution of post-goal piss-taking of the opposition".
SW18 proved popular opponents, as both Reevaldo’s thigh-slapping belter and Abbott’s trademark fannying attracted votes. The striker was also nominated for his hat-trick clinching header against Deportivo Galicia ("I liked the goal"), and Buck gained plaudits for his first goal for the club against South West Utd ("a fine goal against fine oppo in a fine match"). And last of all, that goal by Sidaway in Rome: "the elaborate dummy, the forty yard lob - it was straight out of the Abbott Text Book" cited one anonymous voter.
At this point the tension began to mount as all that remained on the Supremo's shelf were the two brightest, shiniest gongs. The penultimate presentation of the evening was the Football Writers' Footballer of the Year Award, an honour bestowed by a carefully chosen and representative panel of highly qualified sporting literati. The panel were set the challenge of passing judgement against various playing and other contributary criteria, as well as taking into account the season's Man of the Match Awards as voted for by the knowledgeable footballing public.
In third place, the eminent panel selected debutante James Buck, noting that the newcomer had combined distinctive undertones of gritty reality alongside a positive and energetic modern outlook to produce a consistent crowd-pleaser that should stand him in good stead for that difficult second season. However hard they tried, the panel were unable to separate Richard Booth and Ian Reeves, who consequently shared runners-up spot. The latter's elaborate and flowing style had regularly pleased the game's thinkers, whilst his explosive yet articulate ability to clear a pram via a single sentence was always likely to attract the booker's prize, as well as being a webloid critic's dream. Meanwhile the stick-man's instinctive handling of tricky situations, together with his fearless willingness to race into uncharted territory marks him down surely as an entertaining success for many years to come.
But the Write Man proved to have that priceless combination of experience and skill that ultimately swayed the judges' decision. Apparently out of the picture a few years ago, Stevey Lambert burst back onto the scene in 2002 to dash off a series of pacey acts that regularly proved a winner. At his creative best as a deep lying thinker, this fine reader of the game came out top in the polls as well as walking away with the Press Gong.
And so to the ultimate prize, which, according to the man in the know, was a close run thing. Sharing a joint third place were two men regularly nominated in a number of categories throughout the evening, and well-deserving of the generous applause their nominations received. Goalkeeper Richard Booth had somehow managed to combine reliability with the brilliantly eccentric, and at times kept opposing sides at bay both single- and double-handedly. As effective at the bread-and-butter blocking as the spectacular camera show-boaters, the Yorkshireman had managed to "fill Pendleton’s jersey: no mean feat but he pulled it off!"
Sharing the bronze plinth was Nigel Hoyland, who showed himself equally adept from back to front. "Excellent in a variety of positions," gushed one admirer, whilst another summed up Hoyzone's allure in an alliterative allusion to this allopatric all-star: "selfless, spectacular, Sheffielder, spot-on season!"
Pipping this pair and claiming an impressive runners-up spot to climax his first season at this level, was the young James Buck. And the electorate were all agreed on the outstanding attributes he brought to the team. One voter praised his "consistently tenacious and hard working displays whilst showing no little skill to boot," whilst another echoed these sentiments by lauding the debutante for "covering every boulder, broken bottle and blade of grass [during] every game". Without doubt he had enjoyed a "storming first season in Logica colours, and is set to be the pillar of the team for the coming years". Unless he buggers off to Sweden of course.
But the 2002-03 Footballers’ Footballer of the Year surpassed even these feats, and his achievement was the more impressive given he only played half a season. After a happy match of two halves last summer, new pairing Signor and Signora Trovato headed off to see the world on a scooter. The cultured libero did not return from his travels until February, but immediately walked off with the Man of the Match Award against Spencers. It’s not the first time a journey-man has been voted Logica Player of the Season, but the Italian fully justified his award after turning in a string of impressive displays in which solidity was apparently the key characteristic. "Solid performance every game" screamed one voter hardly able to contain him/herself. "Solid, solid, solid; with me, with me, with me," parroted another. But this prestigious and justified Award only serves to mark Trovato out as one of the wonders of the Logica footballing world, and we’re sure the Greek national manager will be interested to learn of one voting genealogist who has uncovered in Trovato "a real Colossus his ancestry would be proud of...".
Congratulazioni, Manlio, avete giocato i paraocchi!!!