A hushed and reverent silence fell across the large audience as the angelic sound of cutlery on pint glass announced the intention to speak.
After the remarkable act of escapology had masterminded during the previous campaign, a new-found respect was tangible amidst the expectancy, smoke, and fragrant odour of bhaji also hanging thick in the air of the exclusive West End eaterie hosting this, the most glamorous night in the Logica FC social calendar.
And clearly the gaffer has grown comfortably into his elevated role as revered footballing messiah. It was immediately noticeable that the neatly type-written notes held casually in the right hand had replaced the scrawled last minute jottings on dog-eared paper of years past. The glass of quality ale clasped determinedly in the left-hand belied a new found confidence, while the sophisticated tab balanced at a jaunty angle on the managerial lower lip told clearly of a man not afraid to take the world on with a cheeky nutmeg or a mischievous Cruyff turn.
As is traditional, began with a quick appraisal of the season past. It had, he eloquently observed, been a season of two halves. Half one was best forgotten. But Half Two was an exhilarating roller-coaster ride to safety, the most exciting time of his managerial career to date.
And the gaffer was quite happy to give credit where it was due as he cited the newcomers (, , , , and ) as the key to triggering this miraculous turnaround. And never frightened to brighten the serious business of football with a little comedy, Groom earned gales of laughter for a convincing Bobby Robson impression in which he humorously got the name of one of his star players completely arse about face. But, as the chuckles died away, it was time to get down to business.
[Read the Supremo's thoughts on the 2003/04 season]
It was an old face that ironically walked off with Niftiest Nipper Award. Whilst Engin Fehim, Graham "Golden" Holden and Mark Belcher all got admirable mentions in dispatches (the latter for "knocking out Manchester's crate of beers with yet another hoofed clearance"), it was old-timer Gavin Adcock who walked off with his third consecutive World Cup gong and half of the votes cast. Particular acclaim was paid to "the incredible penno save with his feet in the shoot-out" that saw the England Nippers through to the quarter-finals. But it was his all-round and consistent goalkeeping that flushed out most of the votes, as well as his general contribution: "Gavin led the Nippers and was the main reason the team did so well," explained one voter.
The Top Pup category certainly drew the electorate out of their armchairs. No fewer than six Pups registered 5% of the vote or more, but for all that there was a clear winner. Old Boy ("never beaten at the back all tournament") sauntered off with third spot. Meanwhile two players starting to establish themselves at International level shared second spot. once again won high praise for his passing and his work rate, which led one voter to liken him to the Duracell Bunny. And up front, Jas Badeshia also bagged 18% of the poll for "scoring vital goals", "providing a good target up front", as well as "chasing every ball and creating troubles to our opponent's defence".
But way out in front was a "simply awesome" Pup in his first World Cup. carried on where he had left off in his first domestic season, putting in "a consummate performance … in every game", even adapting to have a "great game" in an unaccustomed central midfield role in the semi-final against the Dutch. All were agreed he was "a tremendous addition to the squad", bringing with him some attributes that the Pups clearly lacked: "[ was] very passionate, always with a smile on his face, [and] provided the penetration we normally lack". And praise was almost at Rooney levels as the new boy racked up 41% of the votes for "running himself into the ground for club and country, and regularly turning defence into attack with lovely touches to team mates". And like the Everton prodigy, he "wasn't phased by the team's poor form going into the event." All English fans will be hoping he remains unphased for many events to come.
Elsewhere, as an incentive to his charges, Pup Supremo had put up an i-Pod in May as a prize to the most committed Pup should the English youngsters reach the World Cup Final. Given their somewhat disappointing semi-final exit, the Italian had been forced to down-grade his original carrot to an i-Bob. And it was somehow appropriate, given how his unquenchable enthusiasm contributes to team building, not to mention the time he spent in that small brick dugout, that should be the first winner of what will hopefully become an Annual Award. And the was happily able to confirm that indeed, Spud the Dragon was one of his favourite episodes.
The old men put in their strongest bid yet for World Cup glory, only losing to five-times Champions Italy in the dying minutes of extra time, and there were some new names in the frame for this year's Least Lagging Lag. won acclaim for another high quality World Cup performance, and shared third spot with new keeper Ferri Sinnige. The young Dutch boy was clearly a hit with the old men, the voters admiringly observing "the youthful spring of a lamb, the calm demeanour of a reporter in a war zone, and a delicious sprinkling of fallibility that makes a Lag, a Lag". In contrast, second placed seems to have attracted some of the younger voters, who took particular glee in his "mugging in the Third place playoff despite [Brown's] best efforts to cynically hack down the veteran."
And the winner, with a huge 43% of the votes cast, was once again a newcomer, if such a term can be applied to a Lag. It was Andy McWilliam who proved himself such a "superb addition to the Lag Pantheon: last to bed and first into the tackle." Other voters agreed that only the fourteenth McWilliam brother ever to play for England in the LogicaCMG World Cup had enjoyed "a superb World Cup, crowned with his strike against Italy." But the most impressive testament to the defender's outstanding quality was that "even Happy Pete had struggled for things to whine about".
An old story in more ways than one, this year's cast in the Golden Boot thriller (which went down to the last game) comprised the usual suspects. returned a respectable haul once again from midfield, especially considering that more injury woe restricted him to playing in little more than half the games. And as well as his 5 goals, the Leeds man also impressed by bagging as many assists. seemed odds on to bag his first Top Goalscorers crown as the finishing line approached, but ultimately had to settle for second spot with 8 goals, his best total in a Logica season. Somewhat predictably it was veteran snaffler who nipped in at the back stick with a last minute winner. Hamstrung before Christmas, the old man returned to both form and fitness in 2004, as 7 goals in his last 8 games helped Logica to safety and to his fourth Golden Boot in the last 5 seasons.
As the wryly observed, voters were not exactly spoiled for choice in this category. But whilst there lacked quantity overall, this was more than made up for in quality as no fewer than ten different goals received votes. But after various lobs, fannies and curly things had been discarded, it was 's sublime lob against Olympia that bagged Bronze medal. Certainly a "quality strike", it was also commended as "a fine example of the greatest of all the goalscoring arts."
Even better according to the electorate, however, was 's brilliant individual effort in one of just 3 appearances by the maverick wide-man all season. Olympia were on the receiving end again, this time at their own ground, and 's "superb display of pace and power" offered a pointer for some slightly more famous acts. "Heskey take note," advised one voter, whilst another was certain that "Wayne Rooney could learn a thing or two from this 'bull in a china shop' sensation!"
But the popular winner, bagging him a first non-comedy Award in his Logica career, was and his spectacular entry in the vital Everyman six-pointer in February. Although 3-1 up at the time, Logica were hanging on nervously as rose purposefully from the bench to fire home a thirty yard torpedo into the roof of the net that secured Logica a crucial win, and the player some consolation for missing out on the Golden Boot.
The name of oft appears in the Special category, although usually with the word "needs" in close proximity. Tonight, although the great man could not be with us, he was certainly not far from our thoughts as he and his partner in crime pretty well wrapped up (warm) the stroppy vote.
Chillygate was still fresh in the minds of an electorate who love a good scandal, and was straight up on the podium to collect The Nicolas Anelka Award for the pair's "pouty flounce against Everyman, refusing to strip and come on as subs during Logica's most important match for decades because "it was a bit chilly"". And was quickly back on his feet to collect The Farleys Rusk Award on his and 's behalf as joint winners for "most infantile strop".
There was some danger of more flouncing when it emerged that has delved even lower to trump his cold colleague. The Wolves man had taken flouncing to a higher level and was singularly honoured by The Peter Knowles Early Retirement Award for "hanging up his boots and then deciding to play again." And the sheer scale of the man's persistence was recognised by The Che Guevara Insurrection Award for "instigating Chillygate and subsequently retiring after every remaining game of the season." After all that, The J-Lo Diva Award for "a mid to late season tantrum at being benched" might struggle to find space on the Brown mantlepiece.
The strong stench of scandal was also to be found further up-field. The JFK Conspiracy Theory Award was anonymously handed to for "dropping the in-form for the Deportivo Galicia game, thus depriving the hitman of the Golden Boot". A little far-fetched perhaps, but there was some consolation when the striker was up off his seat towards the end of the evening to come on and collect the The Clout Award for Number One Substitute recognising "his prestigious strike-rate from the bench". The judges praised some shrewd statistical intuition from , "who had clearly factored in the improved effect on his goals-to-minutes-on-the-pitch ratio before serenading the Supremo with the 1978 Chart Hit "I'll Be Your Substitute".
And there was another opportunity to applaud the Teesider's goalscoring style when he re-claimed the The Groom Village Idiot Award for Best Goal Celebration for the third year running. This year's unchoreographed routine came in the World Cup after a penno fired home against Reading. "The subtle two-fingered flick that followed saw him chased half the length of the pitch pursued by an incensed goalkeeper - by far his quickest 100m on record". And the same player's penalty technique was again to the fore when popped up to claim the The David Beckham Award for Most Predictable Penalty Outcome for "his penalty shoot-out victory over spot-king in the first leg of the Brown-Banoub Pentathlon Challenge in Utrecht".
But was not the only forward to have his finishing abilities acclaimed. His strike partner somewhat shyly accepted The Jezario Bruninho Cow's Arse and Banjo Award for "ballooning high when presented with an unguarded goal against Everyman (although still some ten yards short of 's World Record vs Queen Vic)".
Those who stop rather than score goals had not been forgotten as the winner of The Martin Aggrey Goalkeeper of the Year Award was announced. The season had not seen a 'proper' gloveman appear regularly until after Christmas, and the stand-ins had put in a plucky effort in the interim. claimed third spot for "his lethal exocet attack outside the box a la Schumacher in the Cup-tie against Leeds Old Boys, in which he came off worse and was lucky to escape both stretcher and yellow card". Meanwhile 's strike rate again proved worthy of mention as he "conceded a remarkable 21 goals in his three matches between the sticks". But it was a goal conceded against Rapid Decline that had clinched his runners-up spot. "The one where he ushered the ball into his own net with a casual wave of the arm thinking the ball was going wide, was particularly impressive. It's all about positioning apparently". But the narrow winner was for "unselfishly keeping his colleagues on their toes in that Spectraprint match in January, when complacency could have set in and led to defeat. Instead we refocused and hung on to win our first points of the season, and the rest, as they say, is history."
Travel is an unavoidable curse of the modern game, and ever since the disastrous convoys of the early nineties, the Logica players have been particularly poor at it. would have come up to collect The Ordnance Survey Orienteering Award had be been able to find the restaurant. He had walked off (in the wrong direction) with this award for the third year running "with a series of late arrivals based on upside down A-to-Z's, failure to find the meeting venue, or simply going to the wrong ground". In contrast 's stirling efforts were rewarded with The Torquay United Supporters Club Award for Most Miles Travelled For Least Quality Seen for "his lengthy forays from Reading on a Sunday morning to watch that bag of shite". Elsewhere the international flavour of the modern ale-house league was reflected in the The Bulls Blood Award for Finest Bulgarian Vintage which went to , who "claimed to have played semi-professional football in his homeland before giving it all up to go begging for a kick-about on the vast deserts of Tooting Bec with the likes of Logica".
The strong team spirit in the Logica club was also not forgotten. The Terry Butcher Beyond-The-Call-of-Duty Award went to for "rearranging his wife's life-saving operation in order to be available to play in our vital last game of the season against Supercala". In a similarly moving award, was thanked with the The Leonardo di Caprio and Kate Winslet Award for Most Titanic Tear-Jerker for "his emotional e-mail farewell before departing to the fjords (or somewhere nearby)".
Finally in a rather lengthy sequence of Special Awards, the received a number of effusive accolades as the players' thoughts turned to trying to claim a place in next season's team. Guiding the club to safety earned him both The Great Escape Award (for "plotting the most unlikely of escapes; getting out of Alcatraz would have been simpler!") and the The George Bush Award for Unlikeliest Survival Roadmap (for "his Survival Masterplan that proved uncannily accurate and paved the way for our Houdiniesque escape. Perhaps the gaffer knows what he's doing after all?!").
The Football Writers' Footballer of the Year Award is part democratic (the number of Man of the Match Awards through the season is taken into consideration) and part autocratic (the arbitrary and subjective opinions of those who write a good game ultimately hold sway). Given the literary flavour of the Award, it was perhaps appropriate that (3 MoMs) should get the first mention for coming fourth. Here, after all, was a writer who could stir every emotion - joy, hope, laughter, sadness, tears - in a mere e-mail. At least the season had a happy ending, and the midfielder more than played his part with a remarkable 11 appearances all the way from Sweden.
In Bronze Medal position, the judges had selected the perennial (3 MoMs). In keeping with the general theme of the evening, here was a player who definitely had a season of two halves: after a hamstrung 2003 he bounced back to find some onion bag filling form after Christmas as he top scored once again. In contrast, runner up (3 MoMs) had been one of the few stars to shine through both halves of the season. The temperamental talent's move to midfield paid handsome dividends as the ex-striker turned in a series of committed and skillful performances that played a big part in our eventual escape.
But the unanimous choice of the judges as winner of the Football Writers' Award was , who also claimed the most number of Man of the Match nods (four). He too had endured a season of two halves, as the gaffer's left-field tactical gamble saw him having a gallop up front early doors. But after bagging a couple, the aging realised just how hard the job really was, and quickly retreated. Variously described in the press this season as "brilliant", "authoritative", "dominant", "leads by example", "that geezer with the flash motor", the Football Writers could only concur and deemed to have played the most significant role in Logica's miraculous recovery.
At long last the climax to the evening as the man voted Best Player by his peers was finally to be revealed. In third spot was , whose "awesome midfield displays really turned Logica's season around," opined one voter. Another noted that "after finally convincing himself that he's not a striker, the Iraq international turned in some blistering midfield displays which were always on the verge of kicking off. Very entertaining!"
As the tension mounted, the announcement of the runner-up brought a loud roar of approval. Newcomer was widely praised for his flexibility, his skill and his temperament. As well as being "consistently excellent", he was also "happy to play wherever he is put and will always give a great performance." Another fan praised the fact that he was "calm, a good passer, strong in the tackle, and boasted a deft left peg", attributes that another member of the electorate was certain had "hastened the revival in our fortunes last season".
And so to the big one. The winner would join a long line of tough, rugged, no-nonsense would-be strikers like Thierry Henry, Teddy Sheringham, David Ginola and Johnny Barnes who had clinched both the Footballer Writer's Award and the Players' Player of the Season Award in the same year. For it was none other than who had received the ultimate accolade of being voted Footballer of the Year by his peers as well as a few old hacks.
Consistent quality was the view of many of the electorate. "Mr Hatton equals Mr Consistency" wrote one voter simply, yet eloquently. "Solid in defence in every game - always seems to win headers from corners but I don't know how!" said another voter whose name may or may not have been Jeremy. Someone else summed up his effect on the team: " was immense at the back and inspired those around him to provide a solid base on which the 2004 revival was built. So regularly dominant in the air and on the ground, he put in many brilliant performances last season."
And so after a season that had topped many good ones that had gone before for the ace defender, had thoroughly deserved to be crowned Player of the Year twice.