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Assist
/á-sĭst'/
Noun.
[1] A significant contribution to the scoring of a goal, typically the final pass or setup for the actual scorer. Often the most vital, difficult and creative element of the goalscoring process. Becoming a more and more important part of the modern game, especially since the emergence of the multi-million pound Fantasy League industry. Has led some commentators to declare "assists are the new goals".
[2] Sac or vesicle containing bodily fluid formed due to unnatural abrasion on the sole of a Lag's foot during a World Cup; extreme version of blister. Ref: [1] Dr. Grassie's Medical Casebook - Volume XVII : Feet.
Bobble Gods, The
/`bôb-ell godz/
Noun, pl.
An alleged deity firmly believed in by the forward-thinking (or thinking forward) disciples of glory. The vengeful wrath of these merciless almighties is apt to manifest itself in the form of an invisible and treacherous lump of turf, or malformed sod, positioned precisely where ball and boot are about to intersect for a certain goal. The bible of bobble decrees the occasional sacrifice, the followers of this religion being obliged to spurn a sitter on every third Sabbath to appease those above. Gary McAllister (v England) and Jez Brown (v Queen Vic) are oft cited as the most severe examples of the suffering meted out by the Gods to non-believers and lapsed worshippers.
Ref: [1] Isaiah Chapter 8 Verse 13:
"Sanctify the Lord of Bobble himself, and, yea, let him be thy fear, and let him be thy dread. And he shall be for a sanctuary, but for a stone of stumbling, and for a rock of offence."
Cardboard Box
/kärd-bôrd bòks/
Noun.
[1] Prestigious and traditional
gong
awarded to the tourist who spouts bollocks of the most consistently tedious, irrelevant and frankly turgid nature. [2] In times of yore, a receptacle used by a
Lag
to store those trophies which would not fit into his Trophy Cabinets at home.
Challinor
/chàll-y-knöar/
Noun.
The act of launching the football with the hands over a great distance whilst obeying the Football Association laws relating to the throw-in. Typically, a throw is only deemed a challinor if it lands in or near the six-yard box.
Adj.
Challinoresque.
Football Gods, The
/`ha-way thur föt-bawl godz/
Noun, pl.
A reputed sporting divinity worshipped by the extremely superstitious and those lacking the technical ability to influence their own footballing destiny. The basic ethos of the religion is that prayer, ample homage and respect to the Gods will be rewarded on the field of play. The corporate marketing blurb portrays the Football Gods as far more just and merciful than
The Bobble Gods. However, in recent times various and vociferous groups of doubters, heretics and assorted outright atheists have proliferated as the Gods continually fail to deliver the Logica World Cup into English hands.
Ref: [1] Galations Chapter 6 Verse 7:
"Be not deceived, nay. The Football God is not mocked: for whatsoevereth a man soweth, that shall he also reap, verily."
Gong
/gõng/
Noun.
Individual medal or trophy awarded to a player, either for winning a Championship, Cup, etc (see Lag), or for coming top in one of the Club's prestigious Annual Awards e-votes e.g. Player of the Season, Goal of the Season etc (see Pup). Traditionally manifests itself in the form of an ill-defined blob of vaguely footballer-shaped plastic mounted on a mock-marble plinth. Occasionally also referred to as a Bauble when lyrical meter or alliteration demands.
Hole
/`hôe-ll/
Noun.
Mythical land or region rumoured to lie somewhere between the isolated islands of Backstick and Halfway. Legend (with a small 'L') portrays it as a thriving cornucopia, rich in unnecessary nutmegs and over-elaborate fripperies, where there are no rules and tracking back is outlawed. The fantastic inhabitants who ply their trade in this footballing Atlantis are known as
Hole Merchants,
and are oft unfairly stereotyped as ostentatious contradictions: on the one hand stylish and mature, on the other shabby and individualistic.
"If Selected..."
/if`sur-lekt'éd/
Mantra.
In days of yore, when selection was the choice of the incumbent
Supremo
rather than Hobson, players would oft depart after a match with the hopeful rejoinder, "see you next week...". Ettiquette demanded that other players should respond in unison to this hopeful view by observing, "if selected ..."
Lag
/læg/
Noun.
A member of the elite echelon of Logica Football Club, prone to nostalgic rambling. Some have erroneously attempted to define eligibility for a passport to
Lagdom
based on the size of one's wad, one's girth, and one's experience in years. Many are Tier One, but not all. In essence, however, it is an attitude of mind, a state of being. A right state, in fact. Typical accessories: a Gold Card; a library card; a taxi; the latest state-of-the-art technological gadgetry; a Deluxe BUPA First Aid Kit; a bottle of vintage Chablis; an early night; a set of Ikea Trophy Cabinets made from the best sanded English oak.
Ref: [1] Shakespeare's Twelfth Night Act II Scene V:
"Some are born Lags, no others may achieve Lag status, but an honoured handful may have temporary Lagdom thrust upon them (especially if we're short of players)."
[2] OED: "Fall behind, not keep pace; a habitual criminal."
Legend
/lej-end/
Noun.
As yet, undefined.
See: Sidaway
Mandarin
/mann-der-in/
Noun.
[1] A highly placed administrator or official within a sporting association or organisation, often relishing the pleasures of red-tape and paper-work.
[2] A subtlely flavoured and refreshing citrus fruit served on a silver platter to a
Lag during the half-time interval by his personal butler.
Nipper
/nip-pá/
Noun.
A member of Logica's highly regarded Football Academy, perennially striving to graduate to
Pupdom. Often youthful, sometimes useful, occasionally technically proficient, always disrespectful of their elders and betters. Typical accessories: a Postal Order; a forged Proof-of-Age Identity Card; a pair of cycle clips; a disposable camera; a bottle of Biactol; a jug of cider & black; a dormitory bunk-bed; a dream for a bright and glorious future.
Ref: [1] OED: "a person or thing that nips; a young child."
Pup
/pup/
Noun.
Reputedly a member of Logica's 1st XI, a Pup is often in reality nothing more than a drunken under-achiever. Occasionally suffers from delusions of
Lagdom,
nostalgically rambling about "that time we beat Italy...". In essence, a state of hangover. Typical accessories: a Co-operative Bank Debit Card; a video club card; a bus pass; an LSSC rental video camera; a box of neurofen; a pint of lager; an unslept-in bed; a LWC Fifth-Placed Gong in 3-carat plastic with nylon necklace attachment.
Ref: [1] OED: "A young dog; an unpleasant or arrogant young man."
Shabby
/sha-bee/
Noun.
Showing signs of wear and tear; threadbare or worn-out.
See also
Reeves
Sidaway
/ledge-end/
Noun.
Indefinable.
See: Legend
Stanley Rous
/stan-lee-räus-räus/
Noun.
Former FIFA President (1960-63) and English FA Secretary for twenty seven years. A
mandarin
amongst
mandarins.
The trophy presented to the winners of the annual England v Scotland clash is named in the honour of this fine servant to the game of Association Football.
Supremo
/soo-pree-moe/
Noun.
He who must be obeyed, bribed and pampered.
See also Roget's Theasaurus: Boss, Chief, Gaffer, Guv'nor, Head Honcho, Big Cheese, Leader of Men, Wise One.
Tracking Back Clause, Non
/haha/
(il)legal.
Shabby legal loop-hole
exploited by the idle.