FOOTBALLING
CV

PERSONAL DETAILS

Date of Birth: 24th May 1966 (A great year for over-elaborate footballing noncery: Eric Cantona was born on the same day).
Religion: Liverpool & England.
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 12st 0

QUALIFICATIONS

Preferred Playing Position: Striker.
Playing Strengths: Visionary passing; reading of the game; curly lobs; pennos; anything unnecessary, noncey or over-elaborate; assists a speciality.
Playing Weaknesses: Tackling, heading, anything involving lots of running, pre-match fags.

EXPERIENCE

Date Joined Logica: 4th January 1988.
Logica FC Debut: March 1988. It was during the reign of King Malcolm. We were playing in the West End Sunday Afternoon League. The game was at Regents Park - against whom, I forget. We lost 8-1. I didn't score the one. Obviously.
Previous Teams: Liverpool University 1st XI, Merton, Agricola, Old Stationers, England Supporters.
Greatest Footballing Moment: 1984 European Cup Final in Rome. Alan 'Barney' Kennedy plonks his penno in the corner as if he does that kind of thing in his sleep and joyous celebrations erupt. Ricky Tomlinson was stood behind me and even being embraced by him could not spoil the feeling.
Worst Footballing Moment: I was at Heysel. Frightening and tragic. The dark ages. The stadium was a disgrace, but even so. I wanted Liverpool to lose, we all did. I'm convinced the result was fixed, and I'm glad. Luckily I wasn't at Hillsborough. The shadow of that day still hovers.

INTEREST

Model Pro (Models His Game on You): Dennis Bergkamp - ageing, slowing down, crap in the air, tackling back not in his contract, an instinctive assister whose finish of choice is the lob.
Favourite All-Time Player: Kenny Dalglish - he had it all. On a different plane, his footballing brain was light years ahead of anyone else's. Also fond of the curly lob.
Pre-Match Superstition: Must wear the Number 4 shirt. Lucky fag at the tube station. Lucky fag in the changing rooms before getting changed. Lucky fag walking to the pitch. Lucky fag during Captain's team-talk.
Interesting Trivia: Made my debut for England at Wembley in 1999 against Poland, and scored inside six seconds. Added another in the second half, but we lost 4-2. Suppose I should add that this was actually for England Supporters vs Poland Supporters at a Sports Ground behind Wembley Park tube station prior to Keegan's first match 'at the helm'. But I've still got the fax from Lancaster Gate telling me I'd been selected to play for England.

Editorial Note: Mark was Logica FC Supremo from 1989 until 1993.

REFERENCES

Supporting Material: Cast in Reservoir Lags Crock of Awards Nominated as Player of the Millennium Nominated as Supremo of the Millennium Popping Up on the Box Highburian Michael Owen Gods Bothering Paying the Penalty Dream Team #1 Taking Fives More Golden Boots Dream Team #2 Boot on the Same Foot Third Write Same Wavelength 2-Ton Abbo

VITAL STATISTICS