Report by Ian Clarke

So, how many of you all out there subscribe to the Shankly view of football? You know the one - that old chestnut that says wellying an inflated pigs bladder around a field for an hour and a half or so is more important than your position on this mortal coil. Logica versus Cardinal didn’t exactly test the old adage out in extremis, but it did leave many of Logica’s players and supporters wondering why the hell we all bother on Sunday mornings. For this was the - by now infamous - match in which Neanderthal man reared his ugly head with a vengeance, with devastating consequences as far as Keith Sidaway was concerned.

But it all started so innocuously ...

In what has become something of a ritual for opposition teams visiting the depths of SW18 this year, Cardinal opted for an early morning lie-in prior to taking on a Logica team rejuvenated under the on-field captaincy of one K. Sidaway esq. Gambling on the tried and trusted "Our kit is on its way" tactic (the old ones are the best ones - we’d never stoop so low!) to prevent our genial referee forcing a start with less than a full complement of "players", Cardinal found the man in black willing to accommodate a late start rather than award Logica the points - twice this season would be pushing our luck just a little too far! As it happened, the ref was an old "friend"; Mr Grimmer - he of the 55 minute second half at home to Raiders last season. Still, Logica triumphed in that one and the omens were looking good for a second victory over the men from Kingston. Bizarrely enough, recent form suggested that, probably for the first time this season, Logica’s Milan look-alikes were starting as favourites. Mr G eventually started the match some 25 minutes late, having first informed anyone who cared to listen, and quite a few who didn’t, that it was he who was responsible for putting in Logica’s security last year.

Hmmm ...

From the offset it was clear that Cardinal weren’t the stern proposition of last year. Last season’s encounter at Tolworth had ended in a last gasp 4-3 away victory in what many experts - well Abbo and Clarkey actually - reckoned was one of Logica’s toughest games of the year. This time around, with Lambert rampaging forward from midfield and Johninho and Sidaway (newly restored to the starting line up) looking dangerous up front, it seemed only a matter of time before Logica took control. With Woolhouse dictating proceedings with his usual ‘finesse’ from the centre of midfield and Millar and Mitchell battling hard to win every loose ball, the most Cardinal had to offer was an aerial bombardment, mopped up confidently by Dick and Clarke who seem to have become the de-facto centre-back partnership this year. When Cardinal did deign to move the ball on the deck, they dwelt on it for a ridiculous length of time, allowing even Logica’s back four - superbly marshalled once again by Malcolm ‘Adams’ Dick - to win myriad offside decisions.

So, another 7 goal victory then? Well, errr, actually no.

The pattern of things to come was set as early as the first minute - Lambert was released through the centre and with only the keeper to beat ... fired wide. Unfortunately, the ever reliable sharp-shooter Lambert had left his shooting boots at home (or did he pick up Abbott’s the previous week? - Now now! Ed) for this was to be the pattern for much of the half. But Logica were never really threatened and confidence gradually grew. In one bizarre moment mid way through the half, confidence reached such a high that Wildsmith, Clarke and Hatton opted for a neat one touch passing move from out of their own penalty box - whatever happened to the good old fashioned ‘hoof’?

Missed chance followed missed chance and an interval score-line of nil-nil (or "nothing each" as Barry would have it) didn’t do justice to Logica’s dominance of the first half. Lambert in particular could have had a hatful - it just wasn’t to be his day. "Bloody awful" was the somewhat harsh half-time analysis from Sidaway. He did have a point though as a very ordinary Cardinal side really should have been out of the game by now. But spirits were still high and the game was there for the taking.

More profligacy in front of goal was to follow, but the inevitable breakthrough finally came 10 minutes into the second period. Cardinal, still congratulating themselves on reading a Woolhouse corner to Sidaway at the far post 2 minutes earlier, fell for the sucker punch. Sidaway sent a dipping corner straight to the far post where Woolhouse crept in unmarked to head home and break the deadlock. 1-0 and fully deserved.

By now, one or two Cardinal tempers were starting to fray. One unlucky midfield player was dispatched for an early bath. His ‘crime’? Well calling Malcolm a "c**t" actually. But in truth, this was no more than your average Sunday at Morden and there was certainly no hint of the problems to come....

It all started to go horribly wrong with a swift move straight out of the coaching manual. Dick sent a long ball to Sidaway who had spotted a gap in the middle of the Cardinal defence. The keeper, who’d had an excellent game so far, came for the ball but, crucially, hesitated in the face of the rampaging [sic] Sidaway. That split second was enough for our super-Geordie to get a foot to the ball and divert it past the keeper for 2-0, and light the blue touch paper.

What followed is well chronicled elsewhere in "If Selected...". The upshot, however, was that Cardinal’s player-manager-right-back seemed to take exception to Logica’s dominance and decided to exact retribution. A matter of seconds later, with the ball dead for an off-side decision against Logica, Neanderthal man smashed his head into Sidaway’s jaw, causing what later turned out to be a bad break. Grimmer to the rescue ... not. In the best traditions of referees and managers the world over, our man in the middle "didn’t see the incident".

Sidaway was obviously stunned and there followed a handbags at 10 paces melee in the middle of the pitch, Woolhouse in particular angry that the game was going on at all. Clarke, who also hadn’t seen the attack, wanted the game to continue. Sorry Sid, but 2 points are 2 points!!!

Anyway, order was restored, Sidaway left the field to be replaced by Duff and Logica set about protecting that 2 goal lead. This was to prove harder than expected, with tempers frayed and concentration lapsing. Cardinal pulled a goal back when Clarke lost his cool and hauled down his centre-forward. 2-1. No panic though - Lambert finally getting on the score sheet, touching in a wicked Johnson cross-shot to restore the 2 goal cushion. And there it would have remained, but for Clarke and Hatton trying to get too clever playing the ball out of defence. Clarke’s pass went astray and the resulting centre was powered home for 3-2 with 5 minutes left. Furious, Clarke substituted himself to be replaced by Moore and the last five minutes were played out with only one further scare.

And what a scare. An attempted clearance from the heart of the Logica defence rocketed skywards, coming down with snow on top. As a mass of players converged on the target, Wildsmith elected to catch and was subsequently penalised for handling a back pass. Yeah, really. Indirect free-kick in the box and Cardinal lining up to grab an undeserved 3-3 result. But if our friend the ref could screw it up once, he could do it again and this time it worked in Logica’s favour as the 11 man wall, and Wildsmith in particular arrived within 2 yards of the ball as it was struck. The ball ricocheted clear. Game over. Two points in the bag but the implications of the game were only just coming to light.

So, is football more important than life and death? Dunno, you tell me.