Logica answered their critics in emphatic style by bouncing back from their "unlucky" Cup exit to thrash lowly Arab Boys by ten goals to nil at the Riverside Stadium in Kew this morning. Striker Paul Banoub was the architect of the victory, notching a clinical first half hat-trick to give the visitors a decisive 4-0 lead at the interval. Unlike their previous game against the same opponents, when a 4-1 lead turned into a disappointing six-all draw, Logica did not let up and went on to score six further goals. Most notably amongst these was a first goal in Logica colours for Supremo Simon Groom.

Despite unfair criticism from experienced armchair pundits who one might expect to know better, Supremo Groom and Captain Gautam persisted with the footballing style that others feel has marked a significant turnaround in fortunes this season, and were rewarded with an avalanche of goals. Indeed, Logica might again consider themselves a tad unlucky, for they created enough clear-cut chances to have more than doubled the final score, but erratic finishing and a plethora of bobbles denied them on a number of occasions. And all this in just over an hour, as Arab Boys late arrival reduced the game to just thirty-five minutes each way.

This stylish and entertaining victory was even more remarkable given the potential distractions off the field. The players awoke on the morning of the match to be confronted with startling allegations in a number of tabloid newspapers concerning the lurid carry-on of certain members of the squad the night before such a big game. Most shocking of all, the Supremo's name was included in the allegations.

The story went that a certain "maverick" Black Country wing-back lured his naïve Supremo into an alcohol-infused all-night gambling binge, which doubtless also involved lashings of sex and drugs on the side. Luckily, it is alleged, the Supremo extricated himself from this potentially damaging situation in the small-ish hours of the morning, and made it to the ground just in time. Meanwhile the other player continued his debauched activities to nigh-on kick-off time, and after losing hundreds of thousands of pounds at "cards" whilst consuming "large" amounts of alcohol, promptly fell asleep and failed to appear for the match. It should be stressed that "If Selected..." refuses to believe such sordid, muck-raking tales.

Meanwhile, Paul Banoub certainly had a trick or two up his sleeve. A neat headed interchange with Craig Taylor left the latter with a clear run on goal which he climaxed with a clinical side-foot finish (1-0). Thereafter, 'Noobie' set about beating Arab Boys single-handedly. The pick of his goals was the first, which came after a strong run down the right by Jon Clarke. His cross could only be flicked up into the air by a desperately stretching defender, and Banoub pounced, swivelling and volleying home in one movement a shot of such ferocity that the keeper did not move (2-0).

Banoub soon showed that he could ally grit and determination with such sublime skill. Chasing down a quick Gautam free-kick, he persevered in pressuring the goalkeeper for a ball that he had no right to win. Unnerved by the hungry striker's presence, the keeper fumbled and the Boro man was onto the chance in a flash, dribbling past the keeper and stroking home coolly from an acute angle (3-0). Not content with this significant contribution, Banoub had completed his hat-trick by half time. Another flowing move left Taylor clear, and when his shot was well blocked by the keeper, the striker was on-hand to dispatch the rebound into the far corner with some elan (4-0).

In truth, Logica had been somewhat slow to get into their stride, but could easily have scored as many goals again in the first period. Taylor had earlier been denied in similar fashion by the keeper's legs when one on one, and Abbott reacted quickly to poke a loose ball a shade the wrong side of the post. An even better chance came Clarke's way, when a delicate lofted pass from Abbott left him in the clear. As he shaped to rifle home, the Bobble Gods clearly took some pity on the unfortunate Arabs, and Clarke completely missed his kicked and ended up in a heap on the floor. The Scot nearly made amends shortly after when he brilliantly volleyed a Taylor pass just the wrong side of the post from twelve yards. And Banoub could have added to his tally when he was played in by Abbott, but his poked right foot half-volley was just too high.

At the back Manlio Trovato and Scott Fleming looked assured, and were well supported by Groom and Mainwaring on a difficult surface. So much so in fact, that debutante keeper Lee Pendleton had practically nothing to do. Even his goal-kicking duties were assumed by Trovato fairly early on, and thereafter he was only called on to come and claim one high cross (which he did very impressively). There was talk after that his subs should be reduced by virtue of a discount for the unemployed!

Despite such a comprehensive half-time lead, the talk was that Logica could play better, and indeed they did. Banoub was unlucky to be replaced by Nigel Hoyland early in the second half, but Groom's tactical instincts were spot-on as Hoyland quickly grabbed himself a sharp brace. Abbott set both of these up, the first with a low pass behind the defence after being sent away down the right, which Hoyland dispatched first time with admirable aplomb (5-0). Then came some international class fannying in the Abbott-Spence mould. Abbott robbed a defender and waltzed round the keeper, before generously squaring to Hoyland on the edge of the six yard box. The Yorkshire man waited for a defender to scramble back before side-stepping him casually, and then nonchalantly rolling the ball past a flummoxed keeper with the outside of his boot (6-0).

Abbott continued to assist in almost addictive fashion. In one brief period, his passes sent Taylor, Gautam and then Hoyland, again, clean through with just the keeper to beat. The first two shot wide, but most spectacularly Hoyland was completely upended in the process of pulling back the trigger as a particularly vindictive bobble slid in with a late tackle. Abbott was not deterred, and when a visionary pass from Matt Denyer found him on the edge of the box, the nonciest of noncey back-heels diverted the ball into Craig Taylor's path, and this time the Leeds man finished with a well-placed low shot.

But all this was nothing to what happened next. Such was the passing style of Logica's football that they had not even concerned themselves with things like corners until they inadvertently won one with ten minutes left. Groom suddenly saw his chance and made a late run towards the back stick that the home side did not pick up. Jon Clarke arrowed in a dangerous corner that evaded everyone, but coincided with Groom's late dash perfectly. Groom's foresight was equalled by the quality of his finish, and the ball fairly fizzed into the back of the net from all of two yards (8-0).

This was the Supremo's first senior goal for the Logica club, and he could not contain his excitement, sprinting off to celebrate with a huge grin on his face and his arms wildly gesticulating above his head like some kind of village idiot. "At last!" he blurted after the game, "I knew I'd get one sooner or later. I must tell my Dad - he'll never believe it!" he added somewhat touchingly as his earlier hangover became little more than a distant memory.

But still Logica were not finished. Dav Gautam had been at the heart of most of Logica's best moves, tirelessly and frequently regaining possession aided by his midfield sidekick, Matt Denyer. Gautam was unlucky not to get on the scoresheet when a purposeful fifty yard run from his own half left him bearing down on an exposed keeper, only to be cynically felled by a desperate defender just outside the box. But Gautam repeated the same move shortly after, dribbling again from inside his own half, although this time a little more thoughtfully. As his colleagues made numerous runs into offside positions and back, distracting defenders as they went, Gautam suddenly found himself with a clear run in on goal, and he casually flicked the ball over an advancing keeper from the edge of the box (9-0). The Logica captain added his second shortly after to complete the rout, drilling home another Clarke corner from eight yards (10-0).

Throughout this goal glut, Abbott had steadfastly and resolutely kept his name off the scoresheet. Two late efforts did not change this situation. First Mainwaring made a marauding run down the left and crossed low. Abbott controlled the ball with his back to goal and turned in one movement, but his shot was deflected inches wide once more. And then, after another late Clarke corner had caused mayhem in the Arab Boys rearguard, the luckless striker saw his glancing header bounce back off the bar.

An entire fleet of "If Selected..." researchers has spent the afternoon thumbing frantically through the record books, but they could find no other instance in footballing history of a team's striker failing to notch in a 10-0 victory. Abbott, however, was very pleased with this landmark achievement. "Goalscoring is already becoming passé as the new millennium demands that the game moves on. Assists are the new fashion, the new 'goal' if you like. They are the currency that forward thinking managers are demanding from their players - its assists that pay the rent in the twenty first century. Anyone can bury a few in the onion bag these days, but assisters are doing it for themselves."

As Abbott sets about revolutionising the fundamentals of footballing glory, Logica can be very satisfied with their mornings work. With a comprehensive justification of their footballing principles, three more points in the bag, and a sizeable deposit in the goals-for column, the Supreme Groomo can approach next Sunday's double header against Sportobello with considerable confidence. That is, if he can find time to select a squad amidst all that idiotic grinning as he replays his fantastic strike over and over in his mind.