BADLY DRAWN BOYS
Oh the agony! The England World Cup committee were camped around a radio intently listening as the World Cup draw was made live. Surely it couldn’t be?!? The Pups couldn’t be in the same group of death as last year?!? Sadly it proved to be true, with Group B containing the Pups, the Italians, Aberdeen and Dublin. There was some small glimmer of hope, however, when Aberdeen switched with Edinburgh from the Lags group, because the former refused to play the Italians in the group stages. This didn’t make their task much easier though.

With last years gaffer taking a job ‘upstairs’, it was left to Davinder Gautam to assume responsibility for team affairs. He duly appointed competent centre back Jeff Hatton as his chosen England Pups captain - a worthy choice.

Groom had made sure that the squad Gautam inherited was a good one particularly with the inclusion of the Frenchman, Sandric Loriot. The squad was in place and an uneventful flight to Amsterdam came and went – well, almost uneventful: Raffenelli, a prominent Nipper, was sick on the plane which was particularly pleasant for Groom as he didn’t feel very well either.

The hotel fulfilled the teams needs, especially the hearty breakfast they received in the morning - if they could be arsed to get out of bed that is. As is customary the team had the Friday to do what they pleased, and after a brief training session it was off to the shops. With the weather being so hot, and as a result the ground being very hard, Supremo Gautam and Jez Brown decided it would be a good idea to buy some moulded boots. Four hours later the task had been accomplished, they had plumped for blades, with Jez picking out a rather lovely pair of aptly named ‘Carnivores’. With the extra swerve these boots would undoubtedly provide, it surely wouldn’t be long before Brown was testing his own keeper!!

PUPS GET OFF SCOT-FREE
GROUP B: ENGLAND PUPS 2-1 EDINBURGH
(Taylor, Loriot)
The pitches were inspected and it was generally agreed that they were of a standard befitting the unique style of Pup play. The stadium pitch also had to go down as the largest pitch in the whole world. You needed binoculars to see from one corner to the next, truly breathtaking whilst at the same time lung busting - particularly after 20 Marlboro's. We could only pray that the Lags played all their games on this pitch.

The Pups kicked off their first match against Edinburgh and things started well. To cut a long story short, the Pups were all over the Scots, with Loriot, Taylor, Clarke and Hoyland causing all sorts of problems. The age old Pup problem of playing well and not being able to score was rearing it’s ugly head again however. First blood was to the Pups though. A hopeful punt forward had the Scottish goalkeeper caught in two minds: his team-mates were telling him to pick the ball up, but he elected to kick it. Fortunately for the Pups it ricocheted off Taylor and hit the back of the net. Unfortunately for Taylor, the pace on the ball as it hit him almost killed him. It was touch and go for a while, but much to the relief of everyone Taylor pulled through. So at half time, the score read Pups 1-0 Edinburgh.

With Cook a virtual spectator in goal and England playing so well, surely the second half would be more of the same? But Edinburgh had other ideas, and started to play just as the Pups stopped. In typical fashion it wasn’t long before Edinburgh levelled, and like the Pups first goal, it was a total fluke. A completely mis-hit shot looped over Cook’s head and nestled in the back of the net (1-1).

This proved to be the wake up call the Pups needed, and with Loriot causing more and more problems down the left flank, it wasn’t much of a surprise when England regained the lead, nor that Loriot was the man to restore it. It was another bizarre goal as Loriot launched the ball into the box. In stereotypical Scottish goalkeeping fashion, the Edinburgh number one misjudged the flight of the ball and ended up palming it nicely into the back of the net. The Pups managed to play out the rest of the game and finished with a 2-1 victory. A good start, but would they be made to rue all those missed first half chances? Only time would tell...

DERAILED BY HATTON CROSS FAILURE
GROUP B: ENGLAND PUPS 1-2 DUBLIN
(Loriot)
The next match against Dublin was crucial. The Irish had already lost to the Italians, and so if the Pups could win, it would almost guarantee them a place in the quarter-finals. The match started in shocking fashion from the English perspective, with the Pups unable to get their slick passing game going. With the Irish unleashing their tricky wingers down the flanks, it didn’t look as if it would be long before they scored. And so it proved, although the impressive Irish contrived to wait until the second half before opening their account (0-1).

Conceding a goal once more seemed to galvanise the Pups into action, and they started to knock the ball around with no small amount of style. Loriot in particular had started to worry the Irish back line. Midway through the second half, the Pups got the equaliser they’d been threatening for the previous two minutes. A fantastic cross from the left flank was met by the head of Loriot, who duly powered the ball home without even thinking about it (1-1).

The Pups were back in business and spirits were lifted, albeit only temporarily. Someone on the sideline made a Keeganesque schoolboy error, observing that “there's only gonna be one winner now and that's the Pups”. Seconds later, Jeff Hatton was the man caught in two minds, as he contrived to let a low cross run under his foot. An uncharacteristic mistake, but it let in an Irish forward who rounded the valiant lunge of Cook, and slid the ball into the back of the net (1-2).

Trailing 2-1, the Pups they had to go for it. Unfortunately their one final chance fell to the most inappropriate player on the pitch and with Groom incapable of getting his leg around the ball he put it straight out for a goal kick. A good run by the lad though.

ARRIVIDERCI CUCCIOLI
GROUP B: ENGLAND PUPS 2-1 ITALY
(Clarke, Loriot)
After losing to Dublin, and with the Italians beating the Scots in the last minute by one goal to nil, it was rapidly looking like the Pups were heading out at the first hurdle. Our final group game was against Italy themselves. At this point in time it's worth bearing in mind that the Italians have never beaten the Pups, unlike the Lags of course [Editors Note: In fact, the Lags have of course beaten the Pups on many occasions.]. It would appear that the Italians were more than aware of this, and as a result they left the World Cup village in search of a 1000-capacity all-seater restaurant in which to get their fill. This left the Pups waiting for the kick-off for nearly an hour. The battle had truly begun.

Eventually the Italians had the decency to return, and quite an impressive crowd gathered around the pitch. The pre-match talk was short and sweet, something along the lines of “we can't afford to lose so lets beat the arrogant bastards”. Straight and to the point, it certainly seemed to work.

The Pups started strongly and got the vociferous crowd onto the Italian backs early doors - so far so good. The Pups were impressing with their approach play, but lacked a killer final pass. Up step Mr Jon Clarke, who had obviously decided that it was about time the Pups scored, and my! what a beauty! We'd need Andy Gray and his digital tape measure to be sure of the exact distance the ball travelled, but for argument's sake I'll plump for a conservative 25 yards. With a little shimmy, Clarke unleashed one of the finest shots you'll ever see right into the net (1-0). The Italians were stunned. For about the first time since they lost the final to the Scots in Bordeaux they were a goal behind. The Pups carried on their good work, and were well worth their half-time lead.

No changes were made for the second period, as it seemed silly to break up the currently winning team. The Italians, clearly fired up now, came at the Pups all guns blazing, and Cook finally started to earn his money with several fine saves. One Italian attack saw them break down the left and with Jez Brown marking two at the far post, one of the little blighters got in and looped a header over Cook and into the net (1-1). To be honest, the equaliser was undeserved.

Typically at this point you'd expect the Pups to cave in, but no, this was a different breed altogether. They continued to play and frustrate the Italians, particularly Matt Denyer who continued to mark the dangerous Italian number ten out of the game. As they say, however, “cometh the hour, cometh the man”, and here he came. Loriot was fouled over on the right flank for about the eighth time. He moved into the middle and when the free kick was fired over he leapt like the proverbial salmon and headed the ball home (2-1).

The Italians were clearly rattled now, and really started to dish out the fouls. Loriot came in for even more ‘special attention’. The referee however took no notice when he probably should have been giving out yellow cards. The final whistle came and went and the Pups celebrated. If they went out now they could hold their heads up high - not many teams have or will beat the Italians.

Having beaten Italy, the Pups now needed Dublin to fail to beat Edinburgh. To be honest, Dublin had to be favourites. But the Scots weren't going to roll over without a fight, and took an early two goal lead, and the Pups were on their way, weren't they? With about eight minutes remaining it still looked that way, but tragically Edinburgh then inexplicably collapsed and conceded four late goals. This was more than enough to see the Irish and the Italians through, and put the Pups out. It was the end of the dream - out on goal difference for the third time in three years.

BROWN ONLY BLACK SPOT AS PUPS SPOT ON
PLAY-OFFS: ENGLAND PUPS 1-1 CORK
(Taylor (pen))
(England win 4-3 on penalties)
Sunday saw the Pups being awarded a walk-over victory over ESIS by 3 goals to 0 because ESIS were too injured to show up. It's officially gone down as a Groom hat trick!?!? Next up were the Irish again this time in the shape of Cork. This game finished 1-1 thanks to a penalty fromCraig Taylor .

With time pressing on, the referee took the game straight to penalties. With the early penalties being stroked home with ease, up stepped a confident Jez Brown. Sadly, the swagger from centre-circle to penalty box was not matched by the lad’s spot-kick technique, and the cliché king’s completely mis-hit penalty trickled rather pathetically onto the post. Fortunately everyone else managed to score and Cork missed two so the victory was the Pups, much to the relief of Paul Mainwaring who was up next for the Pups.

ENGLAND WIN TROPHY SHOCKER
PLAY-OFFS: ENGLAND PUPS 1-0 EDINBURGH
(Taylor)
The final game was against Edinburgh, again, and the winners of this game would take home the Stanley Rouse Shield . A fine Pup performance saw them run out comfortable 1-0 winners with Taylor notching the all important goal, and Loriot continuing to entertain the crowd with some breathtaking and totally unnecessary flicks. The Shield was England's again.

The Pups may not have won this year but they did enough to suggest that they can lift the World Cup in the future. The tournament is being held in Prague next year so who knows, maybe 2002 will be year of the Pup??????? [Editor's Note: There have to be a lot of question marks against this prediction, Simon.]