As you know I’m not used to speaking for longer than it takes to read out the starting line-up. So, apologies to the Toastmaster if I upset the evening’s timetable.

I’ve been asked to give my impressions of the year and the season thus far and to look ahead to the future. So here’s how I saw it.

The first half of the year was pretty dire. After a fair to middling start to the 1998/99 season we used the second half of that season to get ourselves relegated. When I say we, of course, I mean the 6.4 players who turned up on average. Ultimately, though, the responsibility rests with the management. Yeah, right!!

This was a World Cup year, however, and spirits were raised as both Pups and Lags donned their international caps. Some spirits were not so much raised as resurrected, with a youthful Xenophontos finding himself restored to the Pups after last years appearance as a trialist for the Lags. Suffice to say that neither the Lags nor the Pups came home with the silverware. Just as well really as, despite Phil Rafferty’s best efforts to create some space, the hold on the plane probably wouldn’t have been big enough for the cup.

Back to the domestic scene.

Signs were good as the first game of the season approached: several new Pups had graduated from the ranks of University playground teams and were eager to test themselves at a higher level; a few Lags had been rejuvenated after stirring performances on the world stage during the summer, each of them confident they could still do a job for Logica FC; and, most importantly, Jeff was still around to give me a lift to the games on Sunday morning.

Even better - there was some administrative assistance for the over worked Supremo! After the fiasco of last season’s first game (foolishly arranged for a bank holiday weekend), a couple of pups offered to sort out this season’s fixture list. Credit to Neil and Simon, under the guidance of ex-Supremo Abbott, for a job well done - all bank holidays avoided this season.

However, unfazed and unimpressed by the management’s sound planning and preparation, it was probably with a wry smile that you all went down to Thomas Cook’s and booked your holidays to coincide with match day one anyway. So much for a good start: played none, lost one. Still, we battled on.

When you all finally came back from your individual training camps, no doubt having been under direct instruction from a suitably qualified FA coach, we found ourselves up against St Augustines. This game provided several firsts for the season, most of them of personal significance.

Despite my status in the ranks of the vertically challenged, this was the first time I’ve ever been lobbed from 80 yards (except perhaps for during that 7-4 cup game last season). Looking on the bright side, at least I was able to add some credibility to the legendary quality of Scottish goalkeepers (no offence Kevin). Many thanks to Skippy for shouting "watch the bounce". Much appreciated.

As the St Augustines match was effectively our first game of the season, it was no surprise that it was also the first time this season I was to end up out of pocket. Unbelievably, a lag of considerable wad, and sports car to boot, buggered of without paying his subs. Never mind, a 2-all draw and we’d got a point before Christmas. Lambert knows who he his.

Next up we returned to Riverside lands, the scene of a memorable hiding a couple of seasons ago. Times have changed, though, and we are far enough down the divisions to stay well clear of the like of Sporting Lisbon wannabes. Instead, Nigel Hoyland saw off Wandsworth Town with a goal-fest of his own, scoring all 6 in an impressive display of the art of striking. Apparently not the first time this has happened in Logica FC, as I’m sure our toastmaster will remind us of later. It’s with regret, though, that I have to report Nigel has failed to score since. It’s with even more regret that some of the more celebrated Logica FC strikers have failed to overhaul Nigel’s scoring record.

Which brings me on to the other significant scoring opportunity in the Wandsworth Town game. Unfortunately that one went a-begging so I won’t dwell on it. I’m sure the Lags have made Mark well and truly pay the penalty for his spot-kick profligacy.

There was one other incident which sticks in the mind from that Sunday’s fixture. A referee was assaulted and, naturally, Police reinforcements were called to the ground. Shocking behaviour, I’m sure you’ll all agree. Even more shockingly, Martin wasn’t even playing.

On to our assault on the Cup. Now, in all the time I’ve played for Logica (admittedly that’s not very long on the Spence scale) we’ve never won a cup game. Hopefully there’s no correlation there either. Here we were, though, stuffing Division One’s finest, and a bunch of violent tossers they turned out to be. I was proud of you all, even Reeves, who didn’t miss a sitter all morning.

It was about this time that I went on a far east scouting mission and left the club in the capable hands of Messrs Hatton and Abbott. Unfortunately, it seems like you decided to take advantage of the stand-ins and revert to the bad old days. I was shocked to return to stories of convoy disasters, British summer time fiascos, Legends being rotated and defeat being grasped from the jaws of victory. Those two weeks had it all, I’m told. All that was missing was Clarkey himself.

Sadly, our season doesn’t seem to have recovered from the shenanigans of those two weeks, even after my return. Maybe if I’d bought a player or two rather than cheap electronic goods, things may have been different. Players have failed to appear on match-day, even blaming burning train carriages for their no-show, games have been in the bag only to be flagrantly thrown away (as yet there is no firm evidence of a Sid & Malc gambling syndicate influencing the Footballing Gods here) and even ace striker Abbott lost his touch in front of goal. Even more worrying, there’s been unrest in the dressing room with senior players questioning the manager’s squad rotation and youth development systems. Enough to drive a manager to drink on the occasional Sunday morning.

Thankfully there are signs of hope for the remainder of the season. Abbott has started to find the onion bag again, despite being encouraged to retire by some quarters. Skippy has finally realised the cricket season really has finished and should make himself available for selection in January, hamstrings and all, but only once the wallpapering is finished. And finally, my Christmas wish and hope for the new Millennium, is that Reeves and Sidaway will settle there differences out of court and get on with playing football. "If Selected...", that is.