DROPPINGS
Dear Caretaker Boss,
It is clear why you are neither full-time Supremo, nor a manager likely to have a long career in software.
As CoB Thursday means (to high-achievers like myself) Friday morn, I am disappointed to see I was not considered for selection this weekend. Particularly as you have lowered yourself to include Reeves.
Despite not knowing that I am injured anyway (from sh*gging all four of the Spice Girls last Sunday evening, which resulted in my pulling a thigh muscle), you have been a bit sharp off the mark (there's a contradiction in terms...) in announcing your team.
Let me remind you of my footballing CV. As well as not playing in a losing Logica a side this season (and despite carrying a Logica team where Abbott has missed over 50% of his goal opportunities AND 100% of his penalty opportunities) AND bringing in 25% of the crowd with me, you have clearly failed to recognise the importance the football gods place on my appearance in a (tight?) black and red striped shirt. Despite being less than 5% fit I should have been considered.
So, as I said, I am not bitter about not being considered (despite injury) but when I am lying in bed next Sunday morning with Emma, Mel, Mel & Victoria I will be hoping you get a damn good spanking (as I hope I do !).
I also want you to know I have been dropped by better captains than you.
When's Scott back ?
Keith Sidaway (Legend)
Dear Keith,
I feel I can no longer maintain a dignified Houllier-like silence in the face of such Ince-like criticism. It is indeed a sad day when managers have to resort to open letters to the Press in order to defend themselves from the rattle-throwing tantrums of once legendary players and the gutter press. I use the word 'legendary' advisedly, since Keith surely would not be embarrassed in the company of the likes of Pierre Van Hoydonck, Paul Ince, Stan Collymore, Benito Carbone, Ravanelli and Nicolas Anelka.
A few home truths are in order I fear. Squad rotation is a reality in the modern game where competition for places is high and the rewards even higher. Keith's repeated failure to report for training, his midnight kebab sessions and high profile, media-courting social life have threatened to unravel the very fabric of this once great club. As an elder statesmen he should be aware of his responsibilities to the younger players coming up through the ranks, and lead by example. Instead his Prima Donna antics have served only to undermine the very unity which has seen us rise to the top of the table this season.
As we endeavour to rebuild this once proud side I urge you all to redouble your efforts in our quest for promotion and remember: the door is always open for a return to this side. All that is required is will and commitment to make it happen.
The Gaffer
Dear "If Selected...",
I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Supremo of Logica FC for the courage they have shown in dropping that lardy-arsed, self-styled legend Mr Sidaway.
My only complaint in this matter is that it was not done sooner. If previous incumbents of the manager's chair had half as much courage as the current manager then, no doubt, Logica FC would be challenging for promotion to the Third Division of the Football League rather than languishing in the doldrums as I am reliably informed is the present case.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr Sidaway for the years that he has dedicated to the club and the pleasure that he has given to the myriad of supporter (sic).
All that remains is to agree a date for the testimonial.
Yours Faithfully,
Harry H. Wombat
Wombat Domination Enterprises