Dear Sir,

I hope this letter is printed without censure as I wish to warn the Logica Pups of what I believe to be a Lag induced conspiracy against some of our better known players.

The recent article about Mr Jeff Hatton, whom I remember as being dependable and committed to the footballing cause, was exposed as a night-clubbing, off-his-head nutter after meeting up with an "If Selected..." journalist, who no doubt plied him with booze before asking some sordid questions. A photograph (taken by the wife of a leading Lag!!) of Mr Hatton missing an easy tackle, clearly still drunk after meeting this despicable journalist, was added to further discredit him.

Then we had what appeared to be a nice and complimentary article about Simon Groom who seems to be heading for Supremo status, but which ended in a revelation about his up and coming debut in a porno film.

This combined with the earlier sabotage on Manlio Travato only adds to the evidence.

My belief is that this is a Lag plan to ensure they finally win the World Cup before their impending retirement. Consider further - they scared off the Swedes by getting a known sexual deviant to man mark their female contingent. The Scots never returned as they were confused by there being more Scots playing for England than themselves. It is now reported in the FT that Logicasiel, last years winners, were bought out by Sidaway Industries only to be sold for scrap. And now, realising that the Pups are the biggest threat to their beloved trophy, the gutter webloid "If Selected..." (run by a Lag Media Mogul!) has targeted them in an attempt to weaken their morale.

PUPS BEWARE!

Regards,
Anon.

The Editor Replies: I think you are perhaps over-reacting a little, whoever you may be, Sir. Those doddering old buffoons known affectionately as The Lags wouldn't stoop to something so underhand. As for this reputable cyber-organ that you dismiss as a "gutter webloid", well, if we'd really wanted to topple the Pups, we'd have printed details of a certain Supremo's sordid leather-clad activities, an account of a notorious Teesside trouble-maker being arrested by police just one hour before his Logica debut, documentary evidence of a homesexual relationship between three big-name Pups, plus lude stories regarding the sexual activities of various Pups the night before important Logica matches. In fact, the only Pup we'd struggle to dig the dirt on is that nice, clean-living Mr Duff, who was always tucked up in his Milanese bed early doors. But instead of resorting to the level of the gutter, we need only bring our readers' attention to the Pup's World Cup record on the field to disprove your conspiracy theory.