FIFA, who have sanctioned this years Logica World Cup tournament in Manchester, today made the following announcement - which has serious ramifications for the Lags attempt to win the trophy they hold so dear.

"We would like to announce a worldwide ban on the following substances as they are considered to be performance enhancing - especially in ageing sports stars:

  • Cod Liver Oil
  • Deep Heat
  • Horlicks/Ovaltine
  • Radox - especially in its bath form
  • Old Spice
  • Werthers Originals
  • Pale Ale/Stout

    • The ban comes into immediate effect, and we will be monitoring all players at Logica WC2000 - especially a team called the Lags whom, it has been reported, have been over-achieving despite their advancing years"

    A Lag spokesman stated "The ban is preposterous, and we are considering an appeal based on the fact that we have been using these substances for years, and it has made no improvement to our performance on the pitch whatsoever"

    The mind boggles as to what scheming plan these old codgers will come up with to ensure they are clear of any age-related ailments in time for the tournament!!

    PAP News Agency* - 15 May 2000, 16:56 BST.

    *NOTE: This breaking story has just arrived at "If Selected..." Towers, hot off the Pup Associated Press (PAP) newswire. As usual we coudn't be arsed to corroborate the story, nor validate the source.