That in this long lost era, Logica Football Club were regular winners of trophies. This is evidenced by the clear disappointment felt at only winning the title on goal difference on this particular occasion.
At the risk of becoming a footballing version of The Antiques Roadshow, all at "If Selected..." Towers got quite excited recently when an elderly reader from North London contacted us to say he had found something of historic interest in his parents' loft. The discovery, it transpired, was an ancient parchment. Remarkably, the document, which is of massive anthropological and scientific importance, was found carelessly stuffed between the pages of an old book, "being used as a bookmark", as the reader Mr. Spence himself noted incredulously.
On first inspection we had some difficulty understanding the strange text that covered the single page of sepia tinged paper. So much so in fact, that we had to call in a number of archaeological experts to help identify and translate the document. Their painstaking efforts reaped rich rewards and uncovered a number of scientifically important facts not previously known by historians.
The document was carbon-dated to the pre-historic 'Dick Age' (which preceded the barren Abbott Ice Age), approximately 1985-6 AD according to our experts. Practically nothing is known about this time as little or no documentary evidence is extant. Historians believe that the era was characterised by violent on-field tendencies and a strange fad for something called 'Player Managers'. It may seem laughable in these modern times to imagine the current dignified Supremo getting his kit on and diving about in the mud on a Sunday morning, but some of the older readers may be familiar with a historical character called Kenny Dalglish who was a classic case of this phenomenon.
After careful study, Dr. Rusty Knibbs, who is Professor of Ancient Linguistics at Oxford University, has been able to translate the tract loosely into modern day English, although Professor Knibbs is at pains to stress that some of the phrases don't really have a modern equivalent, especially those relating to the concept of the 'trophy'. The translated document provides vital evidence that backs up these theories regarding violence and the Player Manager, and also uncovers a number of vital new historic facts:
That in this long lost era, Logica Football Club were regular winners of trophies. This is evidenced by the clear disappointment felt at only winning the title on goal difference on this particular occasion.
That the fashionable footballer of this time plumped for skin-tight shorts worn at a very daring length that medical experts believe can in no way have been performance enhancing.
That Malcolm Dick was at one time thought (by himself at least) to be fit. It is not clear if the regular references in the document are an example of a nascent form of irony thought to be popular at this time.
That Peter Venis was a dangerous attacking footballer who on his day could win a game single-handedly.
That even way back then, Kevin Spence was a player so good that he could score without having any legs.
The document tells the story of a golden summer, and gives some fascinating insights into the characters of those brave warriors of yesteryear who vanquished all and sundry in their path. As a matter of some historical import, we publish a scanned reproduction of this ancient parchment together with a translation of its contents. Hopefully it will prove educational to the modern student of the game.