THEDUFF VIEW
Hello everyone, and welcome to a bumper edition of the Duff View!
THE
DUFF VIEW
Hello everyone, and welcome to a bumper edition of the Duff View!
As we are currently suffering a glut of International Football Tournaments, I thought I would look back at some unlikely rumours concerning Lag success at the Lyon Festival of Football, and also look forward to some more plausible predictions concerning inevitable Pup glory at Logica World Cup 2000. As I write (early June), England are yet to start their Euro2000 campaign, but I'm sure they'll do extremely well as usual.
Being the suspicious type, I found it surprising that the Lags would attend a pre-WC2000 tournament so close to the big event itself. I couldn't believe that they would risk serious injury and exhaustion as usually they only come out to play once a year. What with the recent FIFA announcement about certain banned substances which would clearly upset their preparations I decided to find out the truth. A quick phone call to the Lyon Tourist Information Office confirmed that there was in fact no such tournament and no presence of a bunch of fat old English blokes.
After exhaustive research, I have uncovered the shocking truth about their French visit. Not Lyon, but in fact LOURDES - home of miracle cures, and where the impossible comes true. I spoke to the person in charge of this holy site who confirmed that the lame and crippled queue was longer than usual that weekend, and that some English blokes were dipping various parts of their anatomy into the holy water seeking a cure. Also the religious leader of their party - an ABBOTT I believe - lead a feverish prayer to the shrine about "please let us beat the Germans".
Will their prayers come true and aged bodies be healed - we will find out soon.
Sadly I won't be at WC2000 but I can confidently predict that the following events will occur.
(1) Simon Groom's much publicised sexual adventure - predicted last year - comes true. He is seduced by a well known 'kiss-and-tell' merchant and the England squad wake up to the shocking newspaper headline: "My All Night Sex Romp With Former Blue Peter Presenter Turned World Cup Star". They read in shock about his dribbling ability in the box; use of the tackle from behind; and why he had to release within six seconds.
(2) In one of the biggest scouting cock-ups of all time a Man U scout is attracted by the cries of Johninho and signs our very own Brazilian superstar. He fits in well at Man U - bad mouthing the ref, disgraceful tackles, and even Beckham is impressed with his shows of petulance. But it doesn't last as Fergie (who had failed to see any of his 15 red card incidents) sells him to the Boro' (although only after the Monopolies and Mergers Commission are called in to discuss if one team can have a Juninho and a Johninho).
(3) Two members of Logica Aldiscon are arrested due to the outstanding warrant for their indecent assault of a Logica Pup in Milan last year. They are given a stiff sentence : one year of pain, misery and torture. Yes! New Celtic season tickets.
(4) Kevin Spence will make a shocking announcement. "This will be my last tour" says the ageing Scot. See you next year Kev.
(5) The World Cup Final will be between the Lags and the Pups and, ending thirty years of hurt, the Pups finally beat their (tor)mentors. It's coming home.
Have a good one and enjoy the tournament - "If Selected..." of course.
Duff