Hullo there.

After my distant cousin Bardaway has tried to impress you all with some sophisticated poetical type of stuff, I return with some quality badinage of my own.

"Oy! Ref! You must be blind!!"

Abusing referees is as old as the game itself. However, in the new millennium, its 'out with the old' and in with the new.

After an extensive and rigorous software development programme, I have devised a 'Ref Insult Generator' (or 'RIG V1.0') which will allow Logica players to impress their fellow footballers with the breadth and extensiveness of their insults. Everyone is guaranteed a yellow card or your money back.

Note these are not recommended for use with partners/project managers, and the author will not be held responsible for consequential losses or damages.

Here are 10 new insults to hurl:

1. "You dismal wheelbarrow full of radioactive rat bogies".
2. "You erratic box of infested toe jam"
3. "You incapable crate of septic maggot guts".
4. "You hallucinating collection of crusty dog meat".
5. "You pompous truckload of smelly ear wax"
6. "You pitiable vat of dirty nose nuggets"
7. "You slovenly lump of swine remains".
8. "You laughable crock of urea"
9. "You bad tempered ball of sweaty goat carcasses"
10. "You decrepit heap of second-hand sewage"

Ten more next week. Special commissions available for derby matches or needle games; extra-strength insults available for Johninho or if you're looking for an early bath !