Due to a Press Boycott of the game, this report has been compiled with the not-inconsiderable aid of factual input from a source wishing only to be known as (Ageing Legend).

During a morning that quickly went from the ridiculous to the sublime, Logica managed to chalk up an emphatic 3-0 victory over promotion chasing South West Six at the Richardson Evans Stadium. Despite the staggered and non-appearance of various players, goals from Kevin Spence, Jeff Hatton and Paul Banoub secured a vital three points. Now Logica must wait to see whether their sole remaining fixture at home to Sportobello can be scheduled - a further three points would make safety a near-certainty.

Supremo Fleming was able to announce a quality packed squad of fourteen players prior to this crunch match for the rossoneri. Fleming is too long in the tooth to consider this the end of the selection process, however, and his cynicism was justified when three players failed to materialise on the morning of the match.

The most notable absentee was leading scorer Mark Abbott, who also tops the appearance charts this season. His excuse was a failure to set his alarm the night before the match. Witnesses who swore blind that they saw Abbott dancing with his usual lack of co-ordination during a function in the Stamford Bridge Trophy Suite (sic) have been dismissed as muck-rakers. More sordid rumours have Abbott unable to play due to injuries received during a "rumpus" at the same venue. Unconfirmed reports tell of Abbott pursuing his journalistic responsibilities with a camera as Supremo Fleming danced in a skirt with fellow Pup Jeff Hatton. The injuries are alleged to have occurred as a panic-stricken Supremo attempted to wrestle the camera from the press-man’s grasp.

A similar excuse emerged from cliché-ridden wing-back Jez Brown, although the Black Country back-man was at pains to emphasise that the alarm clock in question was not the same one that Abbott was using as his excuse. Meanwhile Nich Fazel had recovered from a serious injury and was due to play his first game since last October. Further tragedy struck, however, as the unlucky striker was unable to find the ground, finally turning up some time after midday just as the match ended.

Even with a bare eleven assembled at the ground, Fleming’s preparations were not safe from the ravages of calamitous misfortune. Opposition side South West Six were late turning up to the ground, and Logica were left waiting around wondering whether the game was going to go ahead or not. Hatton Minor, after a rare Saturday night out and an even rarer early arrival at the ground, thought this an ideal opportunity for a little extra pre-match relaxation, and duly retired to his car for a ‘sit-down’. Unfortunately, young Phil was soon fast asleep, and as kick-off time approached, Fleming - unaware of his defender’s whereabouts - began to panic. When the opposition arrived, Logica prepared to kick-off with ten, but miraculously Hatton awoke from his slumber just in time, and emerged onto the pitch just as the match kicked off!

All this pre-match comedy was of an even higher standard than usual, and one could be forgiven for expecting the match to be an anti-climax in comparison. But not a bit of it! South West Six’s late arrival meant the match was shortened to just 35 minutes each way, an outcome not altogether bad news for a Logica side that boasted a ‘spine’ with a cumulative age of well over 100 (Richmond, Sidaway and Spence). Even better news came in the form of an early goal, "when the opposition were still asleep" commented Big Al with a hint of irony we think. Paul Banoub chased a long ball, and was eventually able to get in a cross which Kevin Spence converted with a spectacular diving header (1-0).

Shortly afterwards, Logica added a second, and at this point I hand over to my co-commentator Big AL to describe the action. "The second goal came from a fumbled rocket free-kick from an ageing Legend. It was reminiscent of Johnny Metgod’s efforts for Forest back in the 80’s, and the Sky Speedcam had it clocked at faster than the speed of sound. The original free kick came from a mazey run by Craig Taylor, who (in a preview of both Kewell and Silvinho later that afternoon) beat the whole SW6 team before being brought to ground ten yards outside the box – a brilliant run!" My esteemed partner on the gantry neglects to inform you, as he drools over the quality of the Sidaway free-kick, that it was in fact Jeff Hatton who popped up in the right place at the right time to score after the keeper’s fumble (2-0).

Early in the second half, Logica produced a match-clinching third goal, and Big AL has now grabbed the microphone from me. "Paul Banoub scored the third after the opposition goalie was caught fannying about in Abbottesque fashion. Spence (obviously) robbed the keeper and curled the ball towards the top left hand corner. Incredibly the SW6 number one managed to get back and just kept out Kev’s effort, only to find Mr Banoub lurking with intent to slam it home from one yard. (3-0)"

Big AL is now getting into this commentary malarkey, like Big Ron on speed, and I can’t get a word in edgeways. "Everything South West Six then threw at us (including the odd punch at Banoub and Hatton Minor) was repelled, with the outstanding Fleming in goal and the ever-pressured Simon Groom having stormers. Fleming had a couple of point-blank saves to make of the highest quality. Skippy's trousers bulged as he again had SW6 strikers in his pocket" screams Big AL with a rather unusual footballing metaphor.

But there’s even more from Big AL. "Following another free-kick on the edge of the opposition box, the magnificent Sidaway lined up another thunderer, only to go and fool the whole of the western world by laying it off (to the edge of the wall) for Gautam. Dav advanced to a tight angle and buried the ball into the back of the net above the keeper. Well, that's what happened, but the ball got caught up in the netting around the bar. The referee, defying all known laws of physics, ruled the ball had gone in through the side netting. Guatam was devastated, and calls for Stephen Hawking were dismissed by the blind and bolshie ref."

Big AL has one final piece of action to describe, which sums up the emphatic nature of the Logica win. "Late on in the game, this famous victory was topped off by the complete dominance of Banoub over the covering full-back, who broke down and lost the plot completely. Claiming the effects of flu, not wanting to play, as well as a temperamental outlook, the full-back reacted to Banoub-baiting by chucking all toys out of the pram. As a result Banoub was insufferable in the pub afterwards, claiming victory in this psychological warfare."

As I try to conclude the match commentary, Big AL once again grabs the mike and is off again. "Having started the day contemplating the end of (yet another) era, the adrenaline of victory has persuaded a certain Ageing Legend that he ‘can do a job’, and Sidaway now wants to go on and play just one more season and so match Readie in playing for Logica until 40 years of age (and whilst still under a 40 "waistline)....."

But this was really all we had time for, and once again Big AL has been cut off in his prime.