"If Selected…" moves up one rung on the tabloid evolutionary scale as this week’s match report comes courtesy of our very own Sun journalist, Jon Clarke, with supplementary goalscoring technical minutiae from Paul Banoub. Thank you both.

Logica continued their see-saw sequence of results by bouncing back from last week’s Santos defeat with a convincing win at struggling South West Eighteen. In a bad-tempered and sometimes over-physical contest, Logica played some flowing football that resulted in an emphatic swing away from the goalscoring impotency of recent weeks. The three points halted a slide into mid-table mediocrity and keeps Logica in touch with the leading pack. Indeed the only blot on an otherwise perfect copy book was a late goal by the opponents that robbed Logica of a rare clean sheet.

The Supremo had demanded nothing less than three points before departing for yet another “weekend away”. With the injured Puppet Supremo Mark Abbott otherwise engaged in domestic rebuilding activities, and Deputy Puppet Supremo Craig Taylor away on holiday still, the heavy reins of power fell into the capable hands of experienced defender Jeff Hatton. After a series of challenging management situations that saw three players fail to turn up, the kit not appearing until five minutes before kick-off, and the referees report carelessly overlooked, the Management Team Organogram has been updated to show Hatton Major fulfilling the role of Muppet Supremo.

It had all the makings of a classic Sunday morning farrago when ten players contemplated running out into the Kimber Road Stadium in their boxer shorts. It is a well-known footballing axiom that the player most likely to be late is the one who has the kit, but luckily Mercer Field rolled up Cinderella-like in the nick of time so that Logica could indeed go to the ball suitably attired. "I had to drop off the basketball kit first" explained Field. Logica’s pacey wide-man did not further endear himself to his team-mates as he kept hitting the post whilst they were trying to put the net up.

With Pendleton, Alloula and McWilliam all failing to show, there were no selection quandaries for the Muppet Supremo as the eleven players at his disposal fitted naturally into the preferred 4-4-2 formation. However, South West Eighteen started strongly and carved out a couple of chances before Hatton Major started to bark out the orders. This compulsive prompting coupled with the realisation that the oppo were perhaps not the greatest we had faced all season, encouraged the Logica players to relax and express themselves.

Field did his best to make amends for his earlier faux-pas's, and was proving to be an effective weapon down the right hand side with his strong bustling style of play. If only the forwards were up to the challenge of knocking in the free shots on goal that his wing-play created! Finally it was left to the midfield to show the way when another powerful run by Field resulted in a cross being half cleared. Jon Clarke took control struck a left-foot zinger that could only be parried by the keeper. The rebound fell to Banoub all on his own. Not content to accept this gift first time, and remembering the "Assists are the New Goals" maxim, the Teessider played a clever one-two with the keeper before slotting home in the hope of claiming both the assist and the goal [1-0]. Good try son, as they say.

The goal confirmed Logica’s position in the driving seat, but now things started to get quite congested and frenetic in the middle of the park as South West Eighteen began to sense that they would be no match for the Rolls Royce passing game that Logica were starting to deliver. (“No, really we did get one going!!” exclaims our Sun correspondent perhaps worried that nobody would believe him.) Logica moved up a gear, and Field continued to be the main supplier as the visitors forced a series of corners that tested equally the abilities of the South West defence and the Logica forwards. In an effort to re-establish cross-field equality, left-winger Harry Gill started to get his game going as Logica created half-chance after half-chance.

Finally, a second goal arrived and Banoub was once again the at the centre of things. The ball was crossed into the centre and the big number nine fell under a heavy challenge in the box that prompted cries for a penalty. The referee waved play on, and Sutton was the first, nay only, man to react. After weighing up whether to kick the ball at the prone Banoub just for the fun of it, he opted instead for a concise bit of fannying before lashing the ball into the top right corner from near the penalty spot [2-0]. [Note to Sun journo: ‘concise fannying’ is an oxymoron. Ed.]

The home players were less than happy with this outcome, the goalkeeper in particular taking exception to the Teesider’s extensive appeal whilst his colleague put the ball in the net. But Banoub explained at the post-match press conference that he was “cleaned out by a forearm smash off the ball. The last thing I remember was the ball coming off my arse before being whacked in by Damo.” Subtly Banoub had claimed another assist, the second his arse has contributed to the cause this campaign.

Logica's command of the game had reached such an extent that Wood and Clarke were winning the midfield battle in the air as well as on the ground. The back four were starting to knock the ball about a bit and Marsh, Trovato, Hatton and Mainwaring were comfortably passing the ball out of defence. With a potent threat down either flank, the visitors looked likely to score with any attack.

Vainly, South West Eighteen tried to stamp their mark on the game, and indeed down Noobie, Clarke, Wood, Field and Gill's legs too. The referee was seeing all the indiscretions and took action, booking five of their players during the match. Logica reacted in the best possible fashion by adding a decisive third goal before half-time. Mainwaring and Wood combined superbly down the left and a half-hit shot by Field squirted along the goal line from where it was gleefully rammed home from a yard by an unmarked Banoub at the far post [3-0].

Logica came out for the second half with leaden legs. The home side were fired up and put plenty of pressure on Logica early doors. The midfield were posted missing on a few occasions and Muppet Supremo Hatton was not shy in sharing his thoughts with them. If it hadn't been for the braveness of Fleming, diving at the advancing South West Eighteen striker’s feet, the clean sheet would have been soiled. Indeed, Fleming was inspired to even greater heights when he pulled off the save of the match, with a gargantuan leap to punch a rasping long-range shot over the bar.

As they regained their shape, the pendulum of fate swung back Logica's way. Breaking up a South West Eighteen attack, the ball was played sweetly out of defence and Mainwaring strode forward to release Clarke down the left with a defence splitting pass. As the Scotsman approached the corner of the box he casually flicked the ball with his right peg, curling it over the keeper and into the top right hand corner [4-0]. Another entry for Goal of the Season according to this reporter.

Despite a four goal advantage, the passion and commitment of the Logica players kept them going forward. From one of Clarke's free kicks, the bald pate of Noobie loomed bright as he leapt unchallenged to fire goalwards, only to be denied by the goalkeeper. In an almost carbon copy a few minutes later and a few feet closer, the Logica striker did the same.

Gill was booked for scything down an opponent, but Logica then started trying some moves that looked as if they were straight from the training ground. Hatton dinked a free kick from deep for Clarke to nod on. The ball fell to Noobie who was thinking about his hat-trick so much that the Bobble Gods punished him in the only way they know how, and the chance was gone. Wood then released Clarke down the left, and he nipped inside the defender and ran into the box. Field was screaming for the ball at the back stick and when it was fired over to him, he beat the goalie with a lovely strike only to see the ball rebound off the post and away to safety. Clearly his pre-match post-hitting prowess had proved his downfall.

But a fifth goal was not far away. Clarke and Wood combined beautifully with another set-piece dink but Wood's shot was blocked. After some scrambling, Banoub cut the ball back to Clarke who supplied a magnificent low cross which Wood tucked home at the far post [5-0].

At 5-0, it was the result that the Supremo had demanded. There’d been some good all round play from the team, some excellent passing by the defence and midfield, the odd bit of fannying about (despite the absence of Abbott), and the strikers had weighed in with three goals. It seemed too good to be true .... it was. The outstanding Hatton was preparing to mop up another South West attack when he allowed himself the luxury of contemplating the drive home in his sleek new Audi S3. The most impressive of the home team’s forwards took full advantage of this daydreaming and nipped the ball off his toe. Even the advancing Fleming was helpless as he was rounded, and the ball crossed the line with the pace of a snail on broken crutches taking Logica’s clean sheet with it [5-1].

At the final whistle, handshakes were proffered but the South West Eighteen goalkeeper refused to shake hands with his adversary Banoub, instead demanding to talk to the man in charge about the Logica player’s whinging. Initially there was a fair degree of sympathy for the big number nine, who had endured a physical battering throughout the game. However, Banoub’s saintly innocence was somewhat tarnished when he recounted his ‘banter’ with the opposition goalkeeper after scoring his second goal - "Pick that out of the net you fat c***". Rumours that Noobie is to be dispatched to the Gaza Strip to take up a role as a UN Peace Envoy are as yet unconfirmed.