As the truly legendary Mark E. Smith once inimitably crooned during an inspired cover of the Kinks classic: “It was bad, so ob-scene-ah / and the Rich was so mean-ah / golden lawns, village green-ah / Victor-y-ah was my queen-ah / Victor-y-ah, Victor-y-ah, Victor-y-ah, Victor-y-ah.”

For once, the quirky Fall front-man’s words failed to hit the nail quite on the head. Logica started their first official pre-season friendly somewhat badly, but were never obscene, and rose through enough gears to make this very much a worthwhile exercise. , named in the original squad, pulled out at the last moment to undertake some vital nuptial arrangements ahead of shimmying down the aisle (in hot pursuit of both and in this seemingly endless Summer of Lurve). (runny nose), (hols), and new young hopeful Chris Evans (kebabs with Gazza following Wales v England match) quickly followed suit to leave with just a bare XI.

But after pressing into last minute action, the gaffer, who has high hopes for the coming campaign, was able to organise his charges into a diamond shaped goal machine that sparkled enough to achieve victory over Victoria FC, enabling to pick up (after taking some instruction) the first silverware of the season in the form of the prestigious Victor-y-ah Challenge Trophy.

Victoria FC were somewhat of an unknown quantity, allegedly a team based around ’s Battersea local boozer and newly assembled for the launch of this prestigious tournament. As an indication of the likely level of quality we would face, our man on the inside was able to report that Victoria’s goalkeeper, Chico, was an international of some repute. He had been a member of Algeria’s 1982 World Cup squad, no less, who, after beating both West Germany and Chile, were controversially denied further glory when the Germans played out a scurrilous 0-0 draw with Austria to ensure those two teams progressed at the Algerians’ expense.

Chico was as good as his CV suggested, and despite Logica’s first half domination carving out a series of clear-cut chances, the Victorian stopper proved unpassable. suffered most, as his sharp running off the ball allowed his suppliers to send him clear on a number of occasions. But Chico foiled him time and again, most spectacularly when the Sheffield striker neatly flicked the ball over the Algerian gloveman diving at his feet, only to see a telescopic arm shoot up at the last moment to claw away what had seemed a certain goal.

But showed the kind of persistence exhibited by all the great goalscorers, and gained his reward when pounced on a loose ball on the half hour. The roving stopper glided into the box past one Victorian defender and squared an inviting ball. was in the right place at the right time, and kept his head to collect the pass before dropping his shoulder in classic fashion to send Chico sprawling one way, whilst he nipped the other to tap into an empty net [1-0].

had somewhat implausibly been placed at the head of the central diamond, the elderly frontman not renowned for either his tackling or midfield industry. But with more than willing to do the running of two players, was free to concentrate on the creative side. And, after had been denied a debut goal by international referee van Vliet’s erroneous offside verdict, set his stamp on proceedings with a characteristic strike. Chesting a headed clearance down mid-way in the Victorian half, he let fly with a viciously arcing and swerving volley from fully 35 yards, his cunningly applied late side-spin completely deceiving the World Cup keeper as the ball dipped just under the bar [2-0].

Unfortunately had to make way at half time after a particularly elaborate and balletic attempt at ball control only resulted in a twisted knee (although a return for the last 20 minutes suggested the injury was not too serious). But Logica continued in similar vein, most notably when fired just wide from 12 yards, followed quickly by a breathtaking full-length save from Chico as he tipped a Sutton fizzer around the post.

This persistent profligacy was ruthlessly punished just past the hour, when Victoria spectacularly halved the deficit with the goal of the game. There seemed little danger when a lofted pass found winger Dan in some space out left. Knocking the ball on a couple of paces, the Victorian wide-man wasted no time in firing in a blistering shot from close to the left touchline. The ball simply flew over the stranded (and until now unemployed) in the Logica goal, arrowing perfectly into the net just inside the angle of back stick and crossbar [2-1].

For a while, the game hung in the balance, as the visitors grew visibly in confidence after scoring. It was who finally reasserted Logica’s domination with a typically strong and skilful dribble into the box. As Chico dived at his feet, he nimbly flicked the ball square over the keeper to find the predatory once again in the right place at the right time and able to convert [3-1].

With time running out and both sides wilting in the blistering heat, Victoria threw caution to the wind and released Chico into midfield in a desperate attempt to pull back the goals. Instead Logica were able to exploit gaps on the counter-attack, and added two late goals to give the final scoreline an emphatic if somewhat flattering look. First , who had earlier gone desperately close with a header from a corner, fired home after his first effort had rebounded back off [4-1]. And in the dying seconds, the excellent completed the scoring from a short pass with a blistering twenty yard shot that nearly burst through the roof of the net [5-1].

All that remained was to retire to the excellent Victoria hostelry, where following the post Jubilee match buffet, we were once again the grateful recipients of their most generous hospitality in the form of a barbecue. After some liquid refreshment, walked up the steps to nervously accept the Victoria Challenge Trophy, with many erudite pundits predicting that the Logica Supremo will get an opportunity to hone his lifting technique before the season is out.