PUP BATTLE PLANS FOILED IN SHOOT-OUT

The Exclusive World Cup Diaries of Pup Dream Team and



Thurs 29 June: OUT ON MANOEUVRES

Talk at the Pups pre-tournament training camp in Dubai had been of catennacio, the system of tactical fouls and borderline assault with which Italy, and particularly Claudio Gentile, had shackled Maradona to such great effect in the 1982 World Cup. Those who had dismissed this as Dream TeamTM mind games with which to put the frighteners on the opposition were quickly dissuaded by the arrival of the Pups' number-one assassin, .

and the rest of the crack squad of Tier-one Pups (the and ) had arrived in clandestine fashion behind enemy lines on a military jet. They had foregone the airport VIP treatment to which they were accustomed, and made their way in unmarked civilian transport to the rendezvous at The Bank Hotel on Edinburgh's Royal Mile. The rest of the Pup platoon had arrived in Scotland in dribs and drabs, so as not to attract too much media attention. The disappointment of last year's contentious quarter-final exit to Italy was still resounding in many Pup ears, and they were determined that this year's competition wouldn't be a bridge too far for them.

and were sent out to reconnoitre the rendezvous; the Dream TeamTM weren't taking any chances with the squad's safety. However, it was with some alarm that , and arrived at the Bank Hotel to find that had allowed to drink on duty. This was a mistake that would later come back to haunt the Sheffield striker and, more incriminatingly, Edinburgh's bovine population.

HOYZONE AIM IMPROVES WITHOUT BANJO

However, with the rest of the squad – including , who'd made a Vera-Lynn-esque appearance to rally the troops – assembled at the bar, all was forgotten in the name of banter and pre-tournament excitement. An evening of booze-fuelled revelry ensued, the highlight of which was surely majestic karaoke rendition of Take On Me. His dulcet tones were in stark contrast to the local 'talent' at Mad Dogs, the next venue on the Pups tour of Edinburgh's hotspots. At this venue, the squad were treated to, in chronological order: the -patented tabletop Monkey Dance; a rousing, if increasingly slurred, speech by the Sunday Supremo; some pole-less pole dancing by a pair of local beauty queens; and an uber-tattooed angry chap professing his desire for (hurting) . This final episode, coupled with one member of the group's inability to stand, heralded the end of the evening for the rampaging Pups. While the heavily inebriated and the sensible procured taxis back to hostels and hotels, the rest of the squad walked back to their camp (except for , who only surfaced the following morning with absolutely no recollection of the previous night's conclusion).

As with any group of military personnel, the levels of testosterone were, at times, tangible. So it was that the walking wounded, retreating after the Battle of Mad Dogs, found themselves privy to an act of such abhorrent depravity that, battle-hardened troops though they were, several of their number wept like children at what occurred next. For those whose lives have not been sullied by knowledge of the full details, only and a certain ornamental, life-sized cow can provide the first-hand, no-holds-barred, kiss-and-tell account (although – for a small fee, with cheques made payable to Dream TeamTM – a video can be obtained). Suffice it to say that Biblical cities were razed to the ground for less.

Fri 30 June: TRAINING AND TRAINING

With St Andrews over an hour out of Edinburgh and a slot on the training pitches booked for early afternoon, the Pups were forced to rise earlier than expected for a pre-tournament Friday and make the 10 minute walk to Waverly station. This posed no problems for the fully committed Pups with even 's body recovering from the brutal cocktail of toxins administered the night before. The missing members of the pup squad - , , and - would all be arriving on the Friday evening, although the former pair finally arrived just in time to witness a wonderful sunset during a romantic walk through the golf course. And so, to the football.

Sat 01 July: MEN AND BOYS

GROUP D: ENGLAND PUPS 4-0 MANCHESTER B

Scorers: (2), , Jas Badeisha.

Yellow Cards: (Dissent).

The opening fixture for the Pups was against last year's 14th-placed Mancunian B-string. After the relative success of the system employed by the previous international Supremo, the Dream Team™ had opted to resurrect the sweeper system. Would placing physically closer to have a motivating effect on the Pups? Or would it prove to be a catalyst for World War III? As preparation for the endurance challenge ahead, led a gruelling 15 minute workout designed to separate the men from the boys. Thoroughly exhausted and fully embracing boyhood, the Pups finally kicked of their 2006 campaign.

From the offset, control of the game rested firmly with the Pups. Outstanding performances from at centre back and in a more advanced role ensured that the Pups' defence remained impenetrable. In midfield, and were orchestrating matters superbly, creating chance after chance for the Pup strikers. But unlike many a match report within these hallowed archives, this was not to be a story of missed chances. It was who drew first blood, firing home the opening goal for the Pups. Much to the relief of the squad, 's booze-fuelled antics seemed to have dulled his appetite for lewd goal celebrations. Further pressure led to the Yorkshireman's second, which was followed after the break by a deserved goal for and a powerful strike by Jas Badeisha.

THE EMPERORS' NEW CLOTHES

GROUP D: ENGLAND PUPS 1-0 FRANCE

Scorers: (p).

Yellow Cards: Jas Badeisha (Catennacio)

Buoyed by a magnificent victory over Manchester, the Pups war machine advanced purposefully toward their Gallic opponents. Kitted out in red and yellow, the Unilog debutants exuded confidence. With both teams playing in red, a kit clash sent the Pup captains off in search of alternative attire. A shady deal with the veteran saw the Dream Team return to an awe-struck Pup squad holding the brand new Lag finery.

Within moments of kick-off, it was obvious that this would be a totally different game. Pups on and off the ball were pressured quickly and (mostly) fairly. With the ball, the French team broke quickly and caused the Pup defence a number of problems. The tension was mounting as both sets of players began to vent their frustrations. A stalemate seemed on the cards until a moment of madness handed the Pups a gift with which to breach the Maginot line.

A spell of concerted Pups pressure had been rewarded by two successive corners, the second of which was cleared with a flap reminiscent of a certain French slap-head. Unfortunately for the rest of the astounded French players, the Barthez wannabe was not their goalkeeper, but a midfielder suffering some form of cognitive breakdown. The resultant spot-kick was duly converted by the increasingly confident . The remainder of the game was played with tenacity (violence) and spirit (bad language). This was epitomised by the yellow card brandished at Badeisha for a brutal demonstration of the catennacio ethos. The Pups' strong back line survived a late spell of French pressure to give the Dream TeamTM a second successive victory in the competition.

POINT TAKEN

GROUP D: ENGLAND PUPS 0-0 ESSEX

Scorers: None.

Yellow Cards: None.

Six points in the bag meant that qualifying for the quarter finals as group winners was within touching distance. A single point from the remaining fixture would put the matter to bed, and a single point was all that was achieved. It was becoming obvious that a gruelling 40 minutes against the French had taken its toll on the Pups' squad. While strength in depth at the back meant the opposition strikers were restricted to half chances and pot shots, it was the offensive component of the Pups' play that was causing (even more) furrowed brows for the Dream TeamTM. Few chances were created at either end, in what turned out to be a pretty stagnant affair and even those chances that presented themselves were snapped at hastily. There were still positives to be taken from a game which saw enjoy a feeling long forgotten ... clean sheets.

Sun 02 July: READING BOOK PLACE IN SEMIS

QUARTER-FINAL: ENGLAND PUPS 0-0 READING A (aet)

(Reading win 3-1 on penalties)

Shootout Scorer:

Yellow Cards: None.

The Pups lined up against last year's semi-finalists on a wet and grey morning. Rumours that the Reading team were harbouring semi-pro ringers, plus the much publicised Mo-Gate tapping-up scandal, added a bit more spice to a match already destined to have its fair share of incident. The game began at a frenetic pace, with half chances appearing frequently at both ends, but with the game delicately poised at the break, both members of the Dream TeamTM were reluctant to make changes.

The second half progressed much the same as the first. Key chances included a well struck free-kick from , acrobatically tipped over the bar by the Reading stopper. Late in the match the same player found himself 10 yards from goal with only the keeper to beat. Perhaps the earlier free-kick save had made the Reading number one appear larger than he was, for lifted his shot above the advancing keeper, but alas also over the bar (and handsomely wide).

A tense period of extra time was played out cautiously. It seemed that penalties were inevitable when a Reading break led to a sharp strike past 's right hand. Fortunately for the Pups, a stern look from the combined with the rest of the squad's desperate gaze was enough to will the ball against the left upright. And so to the lottery of penalties. To cut a short story even shorter ... we lost. Only the experienced campaigner was able to convert his spot-kick as the Pups crashed out of the quarter-finals.

JAS COMBO HAS CZECHS BEAT

PLAY-OFF SEMI-FINAL: ENGLAND PUPS 2-1 CZECH REPUBLIC (aet)

Scorers: (p), Jas Badeisha.

Yellow Cards: None.

Despondent from the earlier loss, any hopes that the rest of the day would be easier were severely dented when the Pups next opponents were unveiled as another of last year's semi-finalists. In a game that saw the return of the Pups' fluid passing game (plus 's best strike of the ball ever ... right into 's recently sutured face), it was the Czechs who struck first. A throw-in from the right was controlled on the chest by the Czech striker only for a strong challenge from the number one assassin to be deemed illegal. The resulting penalty was struck sweetly to 's right.

Determined not to panic, the Dream TeamTM stuck with their game plan, and good approach play paid dividends as the Pups were awarded a penalty of their own. Even with more experienced penalty takers on the pitch, grabbed the ball with purpose and placed it on the spot. After witnessing 's warm-up penalty attempts, those present on the touchline may be forgiven for their feelings of anxiety. The last ball struck from the spot by the flame-haired midfielder during practice was the subject of a 7-man search and rescue operation. Despite the nerves around the pitch, the Leeds man held his cool firing the equaliser to the Czech keeper's right.

Forty minutes of open, end-to-end football ended with honours even, a pattern which continued into extra time. Far from being the cagey affair against Reading, the Pups used the space available well and had already carved out some chances to score when a pin-point cross from the left found Badeisha waiting to thump the match winner (and part of the Czech goalie's forearm) into the gaping net.

JOY AND DESPAIR

5th PLACE PLAY-OFF: ENGLAND PUPS 2-2 FRANCE (aet)

(France win 3-2 on penalties)

Scorers: , OG.

Shootout Scorers: , Jas Badeisha.

Yellow Cards: None.

With at least sixth place in the competition secured, the final game for the Pups would see them face their earlier group stage opponents. Unlike the original fixture, this game was played in good spirit. What ensued was a feast of attractive football interspersed with some flashes of brilliance from both sides. The Pup's contribution came from who received the ball just to the left of the centre circle, and then proceeded to saunter forward and unleash a fearsome drive (toe-punt) past the French keeper. The first instalment of France's double reply was a brilliant strike on the turn from just inside the right hand side of the 18-yard box. Stalemate at full-time led to a third successive spell of extra-time for the Pups.

Weary and rain-sodden, the Pups were just coming to terms with the fact that aching limbs would have to function for at least another 10 minutes, when fate dealt a sucker punch, a poorly marked Frenchman rising to head past the helpless . With time rapidly running out and all substitutes used, the brave 11 battled on through the torrential rain to no avail. Chances were few, but late in the second half of extra time, just when the cause seemed lost, a last minute corner gave the Pups one final opportunity. As a last throw of the dice (or maybe he just wanted a fight), charged the length of the field with a purposeful glint in his eye. The atmosphere was tangible as the set piece was swung in. Possibly unnerved by the sight of the frothing keeper, a hapless French defender jumped nervously at the ball (yes ... this all happened in slow motion ...) and glanced the ball into his own net.

Two-all just as a shrill whistle signalled the end of extra time. The Pups were going to penalties again. As before, experience seemed to count as both Badeisha and dispatched their spot-kicks without problems. With the French having missed one of their first penalties, stepped up with a chance to extend the lead. Unfortunately, what has since been described as "the worst penalty ever", failed to beat the amazingly stationary French keeper. This miss seemed to be a catalyst for disaster as the remaining two Pup penalty takers also failed to convert, allowing the French to claim the fifth place spot.

AGEING QUESTIONS

And so the football came to a disappointing end (again). However, drawing from modern day management tomes, the Dream TeamTM was able to take some encouraging positives away. For one, St Andrews 2006 was another campaign in which the Pups remained unbeaten in open play. In addition to the our defensive qualities, impressive partnerships up front between Jas and Gareth, and and helped the team produce 9 goals in open play, compared with 6 at last year's tournament.

Post tournament analysis broached some age old topics:

In addition to these questions, which may never receive a satisfactory answer, talk turned to more sobering matters such as the future of the Pups, the future of the Lags and how to take the World Cup football style into the Sunday game. And on that thought, I feel it best to close with a reference to the main lesson learned from the whole LIFA World Cup experience. It is a lesson learned every year and sadly it is forgotten all too quickly. I believe the esteemed conveyed the sentiment most eloquently: "I SAID PASS TO FEET, YOU ****".