"If Selected..." has been inundated over the last few months with angry complaints from Pup investors demanding to know where their money has gone. Why, you may wonder, have a crowd of trophy-less and poverty-stricken Tier Two youngsters been contacting a top football web-site for financial advice? Well, it seems that these Pups have naively invested in a rather dubious futures market relying on the unlikely success of a certain part-time Supremo. And as the month-end results are now announced, it seems that the Pups have been screwed; the subject of their investment has not; and they now want to know where their hard earned pennies have gone.

The subject of the poor Pups’ ire is none other than Mr Simon Groom, sometime Logica defender, sometime goalkeeper, and full-time World Cup Dictator. Last year in Milan, Groom convinced a crowd of impressionable Pups to part with thousands by promising great happenings in March of 2000 (luckily the thousands were Italian lire, not pounds sterling) Well that month had been and gone, and there was still no announcements forthcoming regarding the success or otherwise of the Dictator’s conquests. We at "If Selected..." were also a tad perturbed, for we had negotiated a multi-tab contract to secure the exclusive rights to Groom’s sordid revelations.

So keen to ensure a return on our own investment, and also eager to find out just how badly the Pups had been shafted, we finally tracked down the subject of their fraudulent accusations. Incredibly we found him completely unrepentant when told of this angry mob. On the contrary, he seemed very chirpy. Groom was, however, reluctant to confirm whether the predicted successes had come to pass. Due to modesty or embarrassment we wondered? After some protracted and complex re-negotiation of our contract, in which I bought him another pint of lager and gave him another ciggie, Simon agreed to furnish the international cyber-press with a written-statement which he agreed could be printed.

Here it is:

PRESS RELEASE
PAP News Agency: 12 May 2000, 17:06.

First I feel that I need to set the scene. It was a sultry Milan evening during the unforgettable Italia'99 World Cup tournament. The day in question was June 19th, my birthday. To celebrate this event a certain group of Pups decided to invest in a tarot reading for my good self.

The question was what would the future hold and did I really want to know...? Well, the most startling revelation was that I was to have a 'sexual experience' during the month of March 2000. After lengthy and extensive contract negotiations with various members of the nation’s gutter press, I finally sold the exclusive publishing rights to "If Selected...". I chose this rag because the editor bought me the most beer and has kept me in cigarettes.

As March is well and truly behind us the Editor has reminded me of my 'contractual obligations' so it's about time that I came clean and revealed whether that Italian gypsy was indeed genuine or a fraud.

As it happens, despite my best efforts to lure an unsuspecting female into my lair during March, there was no extensive 'bedroom action' as predicted, so the gypsy was indeed telling porkies.

Or was she? Perhaps she got confused due to my inability to count to 12 when picking out the cards (I picked 13 each time). You see despite a barren March the rest of the year has been anything but, though I only got 'snogs' in February.

The best of all was in January, where I saw some 'outdoor action' at 3:00AM on a football pitch no less. The pitch was particularly muddy which added to the occasion I can tell you! However trying to explain away why on earth my clothes were covered in mud to my mother was a trifle difficult, especially as I was supposed to be sitting in the pub!

So there you have it, I can only pray the rest of the year is just as good.

Yours honestly,
Your World Cup Supremo,
Simon Groom.

p.s. Special thanks go out to Manlio Trovato, who translated the gypsy for me; without him it would of been impossible.

Well, there you have it. Either the Milanese Mystical fraternity are not all they’re cracked up to be, or Mr Groom has been taking some young innocents for a ride (and not just the nocturnal football ‘fan’).

Perhaps we should give Groom the benefit of the doubt however. During some "off-the-record" briefings over yet another pint of lager, The Norfolk Dictator revealed all about some flattering attentions he had received in a highly respectable Watford discotheque from a young lady during the very month of March. Perhaps this was the "great sexual experience" that the Italian Fortune Teller had foreseen? Luckily for Simon, however, he was able to foresee the ‘ten-stretch in chokey’ that would be heading his way if he followed up on the romantic interest being displayed by this fifteen year old. "And she had a brace as well!" exclaimed Groom as he cadged his last fag. At this point, I felt it was best to put the sordid episode to bed.