THE
DUFF VIEW
Hello everyone, and welcome to The Duff View!

For some time I have been concerned that football in general, and Logica FC in particular, is being run and controlled by a media conspiracy of old fat blokes purely for their own financial and spiritual gain. I refer of course to the so called Lags. My attention was drawn to this disturbing situation by a very articulate and well-balanced article appearing on this very web-site.

Whoever this anonymous contributor was (clearly too frightened to give his real name), his or her intelligently crafted arguments set me thinking. Yes! Is not "If Selected..." run by a Lag forever spouting Laggist propaganda? Yes! Is not this cyber-tissue of lies and malicious gossip not financed by the ill-gotten gains of the so-called Tier One Mafiosi? Yes! Are not all that afore-mentioned e-zine's columnists, contributors and photographers either Lags or their wives or partners? Yes! Is not a large percentage of the fabricated guff printed on these e-pages simply untruths aimed at keeping the Pups pegged down in the lower levels of the evolutionary mire? Yes! Is not the whole club orchestrated by a secret and undemocratic Lag cabal which meet in a murky North London pub every week and employ a puppet Supremo to achieve their devious ends?

Suddenly, all became clear. I vowed to end this sordid and power-crazed conspiracy of lies and propaganda. I VOWED TO GIVE THE PUPS A VOICE!

After intense haggling with a nervous Editor, I managed to obtain agreement from him to publish this new column, which will at least offer a small chink of light in the fat darkness of Lagdom. I hope this loose handle on justice brings some hope to the downtrodden mass of Puppiness. I hope and trust that there will be no interference with these bold words, but I warn you that I cannot feel 110% safe from Lag censorship. I think Sidaway is a great footballer.

I am only too aware that the task is a huge one. There is much to be done if youth, truth and poverty are to emerge victorious. But I am not daunted, and shall begin by using my first column to attack one of the cornerstones of Lag Tyranny. In the media war waged by these ageing overlords, words are used as bullets. Let me first confiscate the main weapon in this etymological arsenal : Lag Poetry.

Having read the latest match report of the latest Logica defeat, the question has to be why the team is in such decline. No doubt fingers will be pointing towards the current (and best) Supremo. But I say, point your (two) fingers towards the so called Bard of Bethnal Green. Yes - poetry is the root of the problem.

Now don't get me wrong, I quite enjoy rhyme and verse - 'There was a young girl from nantucket' being one of my favourites. But this is a football web-site. And there is no place for poetry in football.

Logica's opponents, after reading the latest drivel from the Bard, must laugh their heads off, and surely can't wait to get stuck into this bunch of soft southern softies. I mean, what next? Fashion Tips from the Hatton Brothers?!? Manlio's Guide to Italian Cooking?!? Handy Hints for Nappy Changers by Mr Spence?!? (Actually the Italian Cooking one sounds like an excellent idea - Ed.)

So come on, Ed. Toughen up! Stories of how the team sprays ralgex on their gonads before kick off, Sidaway's raw meat pre-match meal, and dressing room punch-ups will soon have your opponents quaking in their boots, scared stiff to face the Mighty Logica.

So Bard - from now on, you're barred!