On a recent trip back to Blighty, I ended up having a beer with, amongst others, ageing striker Mark Abbott and future Supremo Simon Groom (Scott might have something to say about that! Ed.). As usual Mark and I waxed lyrical about past World Cups and the Pups/Lags rivalry. At this point, starry eyed Groom asked the question - "So, what exactly is a LAG?". So for the benefit of all Pups and Nippers here are a few Q&A’s about our over-the-hill colleagues.

(1) WHAT IS A LAG?

THE OFFICIAL DEFINITION:
According to a well-respected and authoritative dictionary, a Lag may be defined as follows:

Main Entry: ¹lag
Pronunciation: 'lag
Function: noun
Etymology: Probably of Scandinavian origin; akin to Norwegian dialect lagga: 'to go slowly'.
Date: 1514
1 : One that lags or is last.
2a : The act or the condition of lagging. 2b : Comparative slowness or retardation.

Main Entry: ²lag
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): lagged; lag·ging
Date: 1530
Intransitive senses
1a : To stay or fall behind (c.f. LINGER , LOITER ). 1b : To move, function, or develop with comparative slowness. 1c : To become retarded in attaining maximum value.
2 : To slacken or weaken gradually.

THE DUFF DEFINITION:
Basically the Lags are former Logica FC players who achieved legendary status - as defined by themselves. Over the years, excessive drinking, womanising, more injuries than a potential Man U striker, and old father time catching up on them, have all combined to force them into semi-retirement. They make the occasional appearance during the season, and every year dust off their leather boots and make yet another (failed!!) attempt to try and win the Logica World Cup.

(2) HOW DO YOU BECOME A LAG?

Good question. The answer is that nobody really knows, except the Lags themselves. The obvious ways to become a Lag just don’t seem to work. Some of you may recall my pathetic attempt to become a Lag last year Milan. I went to bed early every night trying to impress the Lag Committee, but to no avail. Being shy and reserved down the pub doesn’t work either - just ask Johninho! Just stick to playing good football, be yourself, bribe Sidaway and Abbott, and Lagdom will beckon.

(3) DO THEY HAVE A LEADER?

Undoubtedly, the answer to this is "Yes!" The Tyneside terror himself - Keith Sidaway. He runs the Lags with a fist of steel and the other Lags follow him wherever he goes, whatever he does. However, some Lags have confessed to me that they are in fear of the man - but who isn’t!!

(4) ARE THEY ANY GOOD AT FOOTBALL?

In days gone by they tell me they were. But five World Cup appearances without a sniff of a trophy suggests otherwise. Of course they will tell you of how they beat the Pups last year at Italia99 in Milan, but as usual this involved some Lag trickery. They shamelessly conspired to get one of the leading Pup players hideously drunk, and when this poor Pup finally made it onto the pitch, they then tried to rough him up. Shocking!!! As this will probably be their World Cup swan song, let’s see how they fare in their final attempt to get their hands on that Holy Grail.

(5) WHAT DO I DO, IF THEY TALK TO ME IN THE PUB?

Count yourself lucky, young man! You are in the presence of greatness. Use the opportunity to learn as much as you can. These gentlemen have lived life to the full. You will hear pearls of wisdom about footie, women, drink - just about everything, in fact; but BEWARE! Don’t keep them up too late, as they get grumpy if it is past their bedtime.

I hope this is enough to satisfy your curiosity!
Duff