A match which completely lacked anything remotely resembling quality was snatched by Logica with a Craig Taylor goal minutes from time. After raising their game the previous week to match the assured technical football of London Radnor, this week they lowered it so far that South West Eighteen’s hoof-and-hope style was given far more than just a glimmer of victory. As it was, Logica just about managed to eke out enough moments of quality to come from behind twice and eventually snaffle the win.

The narrow pitch was rock hard and rutted in most places with a wide strip of dust down the middle, a combination that resulted in the ball spending much of its time in the air or bouncing around on the difficult surface. With last minute injuries to Richard McWilliam and Scott Fleming, and Nich Fazel failing a late fitness test, the Supremo was left with just a bare dozen. Field and Gill were employed on the flanks, Taylor and Gautam in the middle of the park, and Hoyzone returned from illness to partner Abbott up front.

Logica’s back four was the one that Groom has selected more often than not this campaign, with Hatton, Trovato and Mainwaring supplementing the Supreme right-back. But there was a new face between the sticks, with Richard Booth making his debut in the absence of Pendleton. Booth impressed in the warm-up, looking like the genuine article by diving about on the hard-baked mud and springing in feline fashion to catch practice crosses at full stretch. After years of having no goalie, the club is in danger of having an embarrassment of begloved riches.

Booth’s pre-match impression proved entirely accurate, but it was unfortunate that practically his first act in a Logica shirt was to give away a penalty. It was a highly debatable decision, with Logica’s new man being far more fouled against than fouler as he advanced to try and collect a long throw. To the stunned amazement of all the Logica players, the referee pointed to the spot, and a blasted strike right down the middle found the visitors ahead [0-1].

Having comfortably beaten their opponents 5-1 just before Christmas, Logica had started this return league fixture as clear favourites. In an attempt to try and stem this previous flow of rossoneri goals, South West Eighteen adopted a slight variation on an old tactical theme. They employed a flat back four that would rush towards the half way line at every opportunity with their hands raised, claiming offside in the manner of George Graham’s Arsenal.

It took Logica some time to tweak their approach to address this somewhat obvious trap. Once the home side had worked out how to time their runs from deep, they found themselves with plenty of chances that the term “clear-cut” really didn’t start to do justice to. But this was where Eighteen’s cunning little twist to the strategy came into play. The visitors might have fielded a somewhat square back four, but they had cleverly deployed a Bobble God to sweep up behind that penetratable line. And a devilishly effective ploy it was too.

Hoyland was the first to come up against Logica’s divine opponent. After the home attack had been caught offside a number of times, Gautam finally sprang the trap and Hoyland was away. Since the Eighteen back four were still heading in the opposite direction, and the keeper opted to stay on his line, the Logica forward had so much space and time that he could have run through all four verses of YMCA and still had time to score. He advanced carefully on goal and merely had to put the ball either side of the keeper who was doing a passable impression of a startled rabbit. Just as Hoyland was about to slot home, the Bobble Libero appeared from nowhere and slid in with a last ditch tackle that got enough on the ball to flip it up, from where the striker shinned it high and wide.

After Abbott had headed a long Taylor throw-in wastefully wide from eight yards, it was the Leeds man himself who was sprung with a clear run in on goal. Opting for an earlier strike, Taylor drove a low shot which the keeper dived to save. It was finally left to Hatton to show how it was done, and the centre back timed his run perfectly to latch onto yet another Gautam through-pass and lob the ball superbly over a stranded keeper in Owenesque fashion [1-1].

Having finally got over their goal shyness, Logica now looked forward to a second half in which they could do themselves justice and bang a few in the old onion bag. But with just seconds to go to half time, Field lost possession on the right touchline, and the Eighteen winger somehow got a cross in from by the corner flag. The Logica rearguard was caught by surprise, and the ball ran through to an unmarked forward at the back stick, who banged it home gleefully [1-2].

It was more of the same after the break, with Logica contriving to miss some gaping chances. Hoyland again set the ball rolling early doors, beating the offside trap with some ease only to bump a shot wide of the far post as the Bobble Gods again intervened. The same player had no more luck with two further opportunities. Twice Abbott played passes that sliced through the visitors’ defence, but both times the ball got stuck under Hoyland’s feet on the awkward surface, and by the time he had extracted it, he could only poke rushed shots straight at the keeper.

It was time again for Hatton to drag himself forward and show the others how it was done. From a long Taylor throw the defender calmly volleyed home Logica’s second equaliser at the back stick [2-2]. It really was that easy. Surely now the home side could impose their quality? Finally a chance fell to Abbott as he ran on to Hatton’s delicate pass and now only had the Bobble Gods to beat. The Eighteen keeper stayed rooted to his line again, and Abbott advanced purposefully, focusing all his concentration on making just the half decent contact with the ball that would ensure a goal. He had so much time, in fact, that the Supremo had conducted a complex mortgage transaction before Abbott steadied himself to shoot. But as he tried to side foot into the corner, it became clear that the Gods had got out of bed on the wrong side this morning. The ball lolloped up from nowhere, and Abbott shanked his effort hideously high and wide. Groom had lost the house he never had.

The visitors posed an occasional threat and Booth was called into action at regular intervals. He made one brilliant diving save from a point blank shot, and was on hand to punch clear a dangerous long throw. He was even spotted calling for back-passes that he confidently thrashed clear.

The Logica defence was equally resolute, but the attacking composure still faltered. It took a comedy goal of slapstick proportions for Logica to take the lead for the first time. Another Taylor long throw found Abbott calling for the ball at the near post. Unfortunately, Gautam was already rising in Salmonesque fashion, and he flicked a header full into Abbott’s face, but was at least alert enough to poke the rebound across goal. Eighteen’s big centre half ill-advisedly stuck out a size twelve and deflected the ball into his own net from just a few yards out [3-2]. It was unlikely to win Goal of the Season, and even Gianluca Festa might have been disappointed with the strike, but at least Logica had their noses in front.

Wisely Logica opted not to try and defend their slender lead for the last ten minutes, but pushed on for a fourth goal that would surely kill the game. Abbott was played clear and tried the different approach of rounding the keeper. His touch was not convincing, however, and the goalie was able to stick out a boot to intercept. The same player then headed weakly straight at the keeper from yet another Taylor throw, before setting up Hoyland for a shot that flashed wide. Substitute Sutton got in a couple of shots that also flew high, and it appeared that Logica would rue their profligacy when the visitors pinched an equaliser with five minutes left. The Logica defence was caught out, and Eighteen’s winger blasted a low shot into the corner that gave Booth no chance [3-3].

Logica laboured to raise themselves once more. But in time added on, fortune finally smiled upon them. A cross was half cleared and Harry Gill looped a visionary pass over the Eighteen back four towards the left side of the penalty area. Abbott was a couple of yards offside, but cushioned a lovely first time square pass into Taylor’s path. The Leeds man made firm contact from ten yards, ramming the ball down the middle of the goal, and Logica had their winner [4-3]. The South West Eighteen manager, who had run a very honest line all morning, told his defenders in no uncertain terms that Abbott was not in fact offside. The referee pointed to the centre circle, and the goal stood.

It was a blessed relief when the same official blew the final whistle seconds later. It had been a tragically poor match, possibly the worst for quality that this hack has seen in his fourteen years following the team. Eighteen’s offside trap meant that much of the play was condensed in the middle twenty yards, whilst the pitch was so narrow, that every throw-in within forty yards of either bye-line was simply hurled into the box. The football was so ugly that it was nearly as bad as watching Liverpool play away in Europe, and even the Bobble Gods imaginative torturing of the Logica forwards lost its comedy value after a while. All that can be said is that Logica somehow managed to snaffle the three points. The rest is really best forgotten.