As an interesting comparative study in Supreme strategies, let us consider two matches played on this crisp but sunny October Sunday. They both involve struggling teams on a losing streak, although the two clubs are at opposite ends of the footballing pyramid.

Under fire and rapidly greying gaffer Alan Pardew had not seen his West Ham team win since the opening day of the season, a run that had seen them lose the last eight matches on the bounce during which they had managed just one goal, and that against the mighty Chesterfield during a somewhat embarrassing League Cup exit. With a team spirit wrecked by internal bickering, a dodgy take-over bid, and the dictatorial foisting of two seemingly reluctant Argentinians upon their squad, the distinctly un'Appy 'Ammers were seemingly on an undivertable downwards path towards Premiership relegation.

If is fair to say that Logica FC Supremo is unlikely to have to deal with the problem of bedding a pair of Argentinian World Cup stars into his prickly ranks. But his team too had mustered just one victory all season against bottom club Portman Arms, and the nerves were beginning to jangle. The preceding week, his charges had produced some fine football but his strikers had again been woeful in front of goal, the team having bagged just two goals outside of that Portman romp.

How would the two Supremi address their common problem?

Pardew turned to experience, recalling his 40 year old striker Edward Sheringham, who thus became the oldest outfield player in Premiership history. The ageing Teddy produced a classic display of the intelligent footballing arts, bagging an excellent opening goal and pulling the strings that saw an Argentinian-less West Ham side beat Blackburn and get their season back on track.

, meanwhile, turned to youth, or at least to the not-quite-as-old. Both of his 40 year old stars, and , were axed without a word of explanation. The end result was an insipid 2-0 defeat as Logica again struggled to find the onion bag, and is now under increasing pressure to find a solution before the club gets embroiled in a relegation struggle.

The press ban in place at the Don-o-Drome had threatened to draw a tyrannical veil over his team's failings. But this morning, as if by magic, an unmarked brown paper envelope arrived at "If Selected..." Towers. Inside we found a photocopied diary extract and it soon became clear that someone had leaked the 's inner-most thoughts on this very match to the press. Much as we abhor such behaviour, we feel duty bound to publish this unsolicited material, giving as it does a rare glimpse into the astute psychology practised by this great leader of men.

09:59am: Alarm goes off. Get out of bed a light a fag. Look alarmedly at alarm clock. Not overslept again!? Slowly remember that clocks have gone back. A sure recipe for disaster ahead of our vital game.

09:59am: Arrive at Don-o-Drome. Miraculously all twelve Logica players have negotiated the complex clock-adjustment operation. The referee is nowhere to be seen though. It later transpires that this is because he injured his knee on Saturday and couldn't walk; he was very apologetic. Light a fag. After much dithering as to whether we should: (a) play the game at all; (b) play it as a friendly; or (c) ref a half each and play it as a competitive game; we decide to opt for (c), and Damo gets the whistle for the first half.

10:29am: Turn my thoughts to tactics. After much deliberation and three fags I plump for a 4-4-2 as opposed to the experimental 3-1-4-1-1 which I was going to employ in the event of a friendly.

10:30am: We start very slowly. Their big Patrick Viera lookalike in midfield is pulling all the strings and for the first 20 minutes it is all Alliance. The back four hold firm though and as such the oppo fail to create much with only having to handle a few corners and long range efforts which mostly sailed wide or over the bar.

10:50am: We start to get into it finally. cuts down the left and plays the ball across the box with dummying for the screaming who gets the ball 8 yards out, but elects to have a 2-touch fanny instead of lashing home at the first time of asking. Defenders get back and get a tackle in.

11:02am: Apart from an occasional counter requiring last ditch or tackles, we look fairly comfortable and are probably the better team without creating much. Best half-chance comes on the stroke of half time with volleying from 20 yards: the ball is flying into the top right hand corner but somehow the keeper puts it over the bar. Corner comes to nothing.

11:16am: Half time. Decide on a masterful reshuffle to a crafty 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation. drops back, and replaces the Nicotine-needing . is left playing up front on his own.

11:25am: We start badly again. If anything the reshuffle has crowded an already-crowded midfield and our football deteriorates to kick and no rush. Its wave after wave of Alliance attack. I need the back of my fag packet to work out some tactical nuances, and so smoke my last 4 fags to free up the box.

11:37am: It is frankly no surprise when they score. Their striker gets the ball with his back to goal, unleashes a trick and shoots on the turn. The ball trundles in off the far post and nestles in the corner [0-1]. Heads drop. My Supreme perception tells me that everyone looks suddenly resigned to defeat.

11:38am: They continue to create chance after chance. Finally we put a move together which sweeps home. But their ref, who is 80 yards away from the play, adjudges him to be offside.

11:53am: This travesty galvanises the Alliance more than us, and a hopefull ball over the top finds their striker slotting home, their ref deciding that the scorer is onside when he clearly isn't. Fortunately, the Alliance man is honest enough to admit to being offside and the goal is disallowed.

11:58am: A carbon copy move: the same striker who is clearly onside this time slots home a goal that is almost identical to Kew Green's third last week [0-2].

12:01pm: Game is played out in lacklustre fashion on our side. Alliance could have had a couple more but is in good form and keeps the score respectable.

Unattributable Post-Match Quotes

"We were a pile of sh*te that couldn't retain possession, pass or shoot straight."

"There was the finest refereeing display of the season in the first half...!"

"Superb first half display from ."

"There were some questionable decisions in the second half. Most notably a perfectly good Logica goal ruled out for offside, and an equally clear-cut offside missed as the oppo put the ball in the net again. To be fair, the oppo did agree it was offside, so the goal was ruled out - a moving moment for everyone."

" and had a fair few chances to get on the scoresheet, which I'm sure they can describe in detail."

"I can't remember. I've blanked the painful memories already!"

"It's all very hazy now."

"We were very good in the first half and shocking in the second ... a game of two halves you might say."

"I might be alone on this one, but I actually thought they [Alliance] were the better side and worthy winners in the end."

"This lot are the sh*ttest team we've ever played against!"