Report from the Legendary News Agency

In what was a very closely contested tournament, Logica Lags emerged victorious in the prestigious Winter Inter-Company Invitation Challenge (ICIC) Five-a-side Tournament held on Saturday 21st February at the purpose-built 'Goals Arena' 5-a-side Centre in West London. Supremo Mark Abbott showed no signs of forgetting how to win as he led his side to a notable victory.

The ICIC Tournament has rapidly become 5-a-side football’s version of golf’s World Matchplay Tournament, where only the fairest, most sporting, talented and available clubs are invited to compete. The format ensures a closely matched competition, constructed to offer a stern all-round test of each club against each other. But only one team could prevail. As well as The Lags, competition was provided by Ciber UK (The Cibermen), Vox Communications (VoxPops) and PinkRoccade (PinkRockhards) – all boasting strong 5-a-side experience.

The unique, 20 minute-a-game multiple round-robin format gave each side a chance to use tactics to ensure their progress through to an eventual semi and final playoff, even possible if a side had previously lost key games. As it transpired, no team could hold onto a 100% record, such was the competitive and tactical nature of the tournament.

The 7-man Lags squad of Abbott, Winterbotham, Spence, Oliver, McManus, Mackinney (the Elder) and Sidaway looked strong on paper, but had the inevitable questions over fitness and injuries hovering over them.

It used to be said in the north-east that you could shout down a mine and up would come a trophy-winning side. Nowadays the equivalent is to send out a wide-circulation Lags email to garner a squad capable of the same feat. But, with Spence making his first return to competitive action after a major leg operation, and MacKinney withstanding intense sibling psychological pressure, the whole squad showed why ‘The Lags’ are more a movement rather than just an ‘occasional’ football team.

As ever, it was unlikely the Lags in this squad had ever all lined up together in a full team prior to this event. But they played as if they’d known each other their whole lives. Which is a long time. Oliver, maturing with age like the fine wines he used to purvey, looked eminently suited to the ‘short-course’ format of the competition, as did MacKinney and McManus. And the team’s whole performance from ‘kick-one’ to the final whistle of the final match left no-one in any doubt of their talent and quality.

The behemoths Abbott and Spence were there to provide balance, experience and goals – which is what they did. And watch out! Spence is now officially BACK FROM INJURY! Football should be celebrating. Meanwhile, in goal, the age-defying Winterbotham, more suited to wicket-keeping than goal-keeping, demonstrated categorically the principles of gloved ball-catching are indeed consistent across disciplines - an outstanding effort!

In the tournament proper, Voxpops and The Lags started strongly with the rest still wiping the sleep from their eyes. But in the second round of games The Cibermen and PinkRockhard hit back hard with their strongest formations and both started to accumulate points. Round three had Voxpops comprehensively overcoming The Lags (remember this…), whilst PinkRockhards nailed The Cibermen.

After much poring over the competition rules with furrowed brow and calculator, the semi-final line-up emerged. With fitness beginning to tell, the final eliminator brought forward the best of the four teams. The VoxPops demolished The Cibermen, and The Lags sent PinkRockhard off to the consolation playoffs. With the tournament one referee short of a full compliment, it was down to Sidaway to make sacrifices and fill in. Due to the ‘dual’ nature of the games this prevented anything but peripheral involvement in the Lags progress to the final.

So finally, with each side having eighty non-stop minutes under their belt, having clashed with each other and all forsaking their unbeaten record along the way, a titanic face-off beckoned. A tense Final between The Lags and VoxPops lay in wait, one Voxpops must have felt confident about, having previously overcome their Lag opposition.

The final started evenly, with both sides squandering goalscoring opportunities. Only a most unexpected (and I mean a ‘Month of Sundays’ unexpected!) goal from Oliver separated the teams as half-time beckoned. Many Nippers, Pups, even some Lags were not even born the last time Stevie O scored in a competitive match!

At this point, with their recent encounter strongly in mind, Chaiman Abbott, the Lags hugely experienced leader, produced a tactical masterstroke in the manner of D’Argtanan wielding his rapier. All other supposed Supremos, take notes.

With both sides showing signs of flagging, and injuries complicating the questions being asked of the charismatic Lag Manager, Abbott unleashed a (relatively) fresh Sidaway into the final showdown. The experienced striker proceeded to accept and consume a smorgasbord of ‘on-a-plate’ opportunities and treats from McManus, to notch a sensational hat-trick and send the elegant ICIC Sculpted Trophy off towards the direction of The Lags somewhat dusty, but impressively well-stocked, Trophy Cabinet.

All in all, a satisfactory outcome with 5-a-side football the ultimate winner. As the competition ended all participants took advantage of the refreshments and facilities laid on to celebrate a successful tournament and Abbott gracefully accepted the Bronze ICIC Trophy into his, and The Lags, safe-keeping.

Note to Editors, Pups & Nippers: As a progression, this win marks the third successive decade where The Logica Lags have continued to accumulate prestigious trophies. It marks their first in the increasingly popular 'short-game’ version of football – a familiar adaptation where skill, touch, 'short-order stamina' and fluidity of tactics can be elegantly combined with the traditional tactics of tackling, passing and finishing. The Lags next formal appearance in public will be in the lowlands of The Netherlands, where it is expected many of the triumphant Lags squad will be in attendance, along with their newest trophy.