It was a little later than usual, but the great and the good of Logica FC once again embarked on their annual pilgrimage to the culinary Mecca that is the prestigious Regent Tandoori eatery in London's fashionable West End. The occasion, of course, was the club's Annual Awards Dinner, usually the highlight of the social calendar, but perhaps marginally eclispsed this year by the momentous Silver Jubilee celebrations.
Even the deluge of late autumnal rain could not deter a large and expectant mass of fine footballers assembling at the tables beautifully laid and carefully arranged the length of the familiarly decorated dining area. We were even honoured with the presence of two club legends from yesteryear, (who even played a game last season) and (who didn't).
But as the traditional pre-prandials in the Glassblowers had overrun slightly, (rising to the authoritative sound of Sheffield steel on glass) opted to drop the preamble and cut straight to the silverware that could be seen glinting seductively and extensively on a nearby shelf. We will take a leaf out of the gaffer's concise book and do likewise.
[However, you can read 's thoughts on the 2004/05 season here.]
The evening began with the International Awards for the best player in each of the England teams at this summer's World Cup in Speyer, as voted for by their peers. The Nippers enjoyed an erratic campaign varying from the high of beating the seeded Dutch in their opening group game, to the heavy defeat by eventual semi-finalists Reading. But despite this rollercoaster form, Keith Groom's charges were ultimately only denied a place in the knockout stages by a late equaliser from Calor Gas in their final group match. There was no such uncertainty in the voters' minds, however, with young (who made his debut for Sunday side last season also) monopolising the poll and claiming every vote cast for a series of impressive displays up front and in midfield that also contributed two goals.
It was a strange tournament for the Pups under the command of the wounded . After breezing through the Group of Death unbeaten on Saturday, they were eliminated first thing on the Sunday morning by our old Italian nemesis. If the Pups had failed to top their group on goal difference, there was no such lack of creativity in the carefully choreographed goal celebrations, but the electorate managed to concentrate on the footballing performances. ("unsurprisingly fired up") and (on his international debut) shared third place, whilst another debutante proved second-best Pup, not least for his celebrity contacts (one voter grateful to the defender for introducing him to The Terminator). But it was midfielder who was crowned Top Pup after a series of consistently impressive displays in Speyer, in which he was variously described as "tenacious", "tireless" and "as nippy as a whippet on speed". One voter wondered "how long can he keep running around like that?", but England fans will be hoping it is for a long time yet.
At this juncture, graceful Italian Libero rose to present his personal 'i-Pod' Award. Introduced before last year's Utrecht tournament as a carrot to inspire the Pups to reach the Final, this year's award had climbed the vegetarian food chain to become the i-Spud Award. [Or perhaps this was an evolutionary step up from last year's Award, downgraded to the i-Bob Award when no Final appearance was forthcoming, and which saw a DVD containing an episode entitled "Spud the Dragon" presented to ?] Whatever the origin, the destination was the same, and returned to the podium to emotionally take receipt of a prize King Edward. The reasons cited were similar to the above, although we think there may also have been mention of a splendid array of golfing pullovers as well.
The Lags collective showing in Speyer was disappointing under the tutelage of two-times World Cup winner , especially after the old men's impressive run to semi-final extra time the previous year. With just one victory during the two days, the Lags only just scraped out of the Group stage on goal difference before exiting limply against Reading in the quarter-finals. Despite this, there were some impressive individual performances and at least could be satisfied with a significant contribution this year. For it was the Walsall Wizard that had recruited the pair of players who topped the Lag poll in a close-fought two horse race. It was the skill, stamina and brilliant left peg of Dan Orteu that was first past the post, just pipping the midfield industry, tenacious tackling and fine passing of Martin Woodward. One voter succinctly summed up their contributions thus; "It was nip and tuck between between Dan and Woody, not solely a sympathy vote for being mates of Reeves, but both proving themselves eminent Lags both on and off the field." Praise doesn't come much higher than that.
Curiously, needed to acquire a pair and a half of Golden Boots this season after a hat-trick of strikers finished together at the top of the goalscoring charts, each hitting the old onion bag half a dozen times during the campaign. could be very satisfied with a return to impressive form after missing the first half of the season. Of particular note was a splendid brace wearing the Captain's armband that saw off Red Star in April, and the Yorkshireman ended up bagging six goals in just seven starts. could also be very proud to be on the podium in his first season for the club, and especially noting that he played the majority of the season in midfield. , meanwhile, had less to be smug about, despite ambling up to collect his fourth consecutive yellow boot, and his eighth in total. Despite playing six games as keeper, a haul of just six goals is still disappointing from the team's alleged lead striker, and will undoubtedly be demanding significantly more next season whilst simultaneously scouting the lower leagues for a pacey finisher.
had more to smile about when the Goal of the Season Award was announced. Despite a haul of over 200 domestic and international goals stretching back over a (some would say too) lengthy career, he has only won this particular gong, highly prized by the striking fraternity, just once before. His elegant World Cup finish against Inter Essex (brilliantly assisted by that Sidaway dummy) also secured votes, but it was his sublime lob against the Tigers back in January that finally just stole the show, one voter prophetically noting "The moment I saw [it] I thought: this must be the Goal of the Season," whilst another simply stated "I felt sorry for him." Midfielder Dave Robertson's spectacular 40 yard daisy-cutting free-kick was just pipped to the post ("a masterclass in terms of placement that would shame even Beckham"), whilst another long-range effort came in third – defender Pete Chapman's point-earning howitzer against champions Supercala.
Before we reached the business end of the evening, the Supreme one had some traditional Special Awards to dole out. proved a particularly popular special case for his splendidly entertaining Boots Retrieval Routine against the Tigers in April. This three-act comedy saw collect the eponymous Pre-Senile Dementia Award ("he should gule those boots on his feet"), the Three Stooges Award ("his most impressive bout of boot forgetfulness yet") and the Lateral Thinking Award ("his pinnacle of excellence therein"), with special mention also being given to our ruthless leader for not bringing on when he finally returned with said boots just minutes before the final whistle. Other cases of footballing madness were also praised, with generously awarding himself the "I Must Be Crackers Award" for his overnight dash to Speyer ("the only kit I had was a laptop") and voted Top Player to Leave Out of the Portugal Squad ("if anyone gives him abuse, he'll most likely start on the wrong guy").
The club's advancement in other fields of psychotic behaviour was also recognised. spear-headed the team's drive to add more aggression to their game, and snatched the Beer Mit Cola Award for threatening various team-mates that they'd be "picking up their teeth with broken arms", to the extent that one colleague was "too scared to wake Preston up for dinner without backup." continued to enhance his reputation in this violent arena, and was sent off with the Hall of Shame Award for his "psychotic lunge on the Notting Hill centre forward" that secured only the club's second red card in modern history. Meanwhile preferred to pick on someone of a different size, picking up the Big Bully Award for "thumping defenceless children with goalkicks."
Another physical aspect of various Logica players games drew high praise. hobbled off with The Worst Excuse of the Season after "picking up a mysterious knee injury in India and then making himself unavailable from December to May. Rumours in the press box for the real explanation ranged from carpet burns to a late night online poker injury." On a completely different level altogether, was roundly thanked by a number of his Pup colleagues for introducing them to the Terminator.
The electorate showed a very cosmopolitan outlook, with neither the elderly nor the handicapped being discriminated against. wove off with The Pumpkin Award for Best Cinderellian Exit after he "just had to leave the Stade before 12 o'clock in the famous Cup giant-killing: Logica went on to win dramatically on pennoes, and missed the chance to kill the captain's Curse." Fellow Lag had his face in his hands after being presented with The Biactol Award for Worst Spot Problems for his three penno misses, including a twice taken kick against Braganca. also had facial problems after his goal-line clearance against the Tigers, for which the eminent Mr Caulkin jointly claimed the Mr Magoo Gong for his subsequent penalty award, a prize he was forced to share with our old friend Radius, and the gross incompetent who disallowed Jon Clarke's goal after it exited the back of the net via a gaping hole.
Finally in the Special Needs category, was perhaps the most celebrated gong of the night - the prestigious Cardboard Box Award, given to the player on touah adjudged by the panel to have consistently spouted the most inane drivel of the highest quality. The Cardboard Box was invented to recognise a magnificent and lengthy seminar on nautical water lines during a Club Tour to Ostend in 1991 by the indefatigable . Indeed, assembled quite a collection of boxes during the 90's, before effectively withdrawing his nomination in 1997 by sleeping through virtually the whole Aberdeen World Cup. The mantle was passed to the brilliant , whose verbal rambles were legendary, before the new millenium ushered in a whole spate of young challengers, spearheaded by and . But now there was a new kid in the box, and (for it was he) would appear to have taken the art of talking bollocks to a higher plane judging by his margin of victory at the polls. "It was a constant stream of nonsensical rambling for the entire weekend," stammered one shaking tourist as the England party faced the press on their return to Heathrow Airport. "I don't think I had a straight conversation with the lad all weekend. I put it down to excitability."
At this juncture, a slowly staggered to his feet and addressed the assembled mass. The Football Writers' Player of the Season Award, he explained, takes into account the Man of the Match Awards won by players throughout the season, but also canvasses the opinion of that large swathe of knowledgeable journalists devoted to reporting on Logica FC every Sunday morning come rain or shine. He was at pains to emphasise that the award was thus not solely at the unreliable whims of democracy: another key criteria was "choosing a player who had consistently provided a high standard of literary material and entertainment value throughout the campaign". To reflect the nature of the Award, he thought it would be appropriate to describe the feats and attributes of the nominees via journalistic quotes from a selection of august journals.
In joint third place came a galaxy of stars for whom the various carefully crafted literary tributes quoted seemed to do ample justice to their respective talents: ("experienced", "overly long"), ("well-timed", "stunning"), ("delicate", "jinks") and ("heroic", "wild swing"). Few of the astute football experts in the crowd had too much trouble guessing the identity of the highly praised runner-up either: "talented young midfielder, who bagged an exquisite and quite lethal hat-trick"; "another cultured performance"; and "a telescopic leg appeared from nowhere and just flicked the ball into the unguarded net," gave the game away. It was, of course, , whose assured midfield displays had provided defensive stability, attacking support and aerial threat as well as the afore-mentioned cultured right peg throughout the campaign.
So to the winner. "Another superbly timed tackle ended his debut three minutes earlier than scheduled." "He had to be carried from the field." "…after the defender once again hurt his shoulder." "A crunching yet fair tackle from the Logica defender that left both players in some pain." "He was booked when he loudly voiced his opinion as to the referee's level of competence." "He had to be helped from the field by two team-mates when both legs and one arm fell off as a result of a brilliantly timed tackle, but five minutes later a signal from the referee allowed him to hop back on to the pitch and resume his commanding presence in the middle of the back four." One of these quotes was not strictly based on reality, but it could only be the brilliant , who had bagged a record-breaking six Man of the Match Awards during a quite exceptional debut season.
Without further ado, quickly reclaimed the mic and announced it was time for Big Gong, the Players' Player of the Year Award. In third place, was rewarded again for a very impressive first season with the club. Playing as a striker when required, but mostly in midfield, the Norwich man had still topped the scoring charts, and most impressive of all, had appeared in every match. "Has been consistently excellent," opined one voter. "He never stops running, he passes well and has a good finish on him. I'm surprised that he didn't win more Man of the Match Awards."
The announcement of the runner-up brought joy and perhaps just a little frustration. For had been pipped to the Player of the Season Award last year by a central defender, and was about to repeat an experience made worse by the fact that he had been instrumental in bringing the player to the club who ultimately had denied him this year's Big Gong. Again, was praised for the consistency and quality of his displays. "[He] was excellent in every game I played with him: always calm on the ball, deceptively quick (i.e. has ridiculously long legs) and distributes sensibly. And he always looks like he's enjoying his football (except when he's telling me to shut the f**k up)".
then prized open the golden envelope. The winner, teased , had been variously described as "a class act", "simply the best", and "awesome at the back". His defensive qualities were, however, somewhat at odds with the apparent frailty of his body. Whilst one striker described him as "a double hard bar steward and a great player to boot; a defensive rock that I am happy to have in front of me," another voter alleged he was "the perfect cyborg: if he breaks, you can fix him (and to think was the beta version!)".
Another member of the electorate summed up his qualities thus: "An impressive debut from the lad – pacey, good in the air, strong in the tackle, and not short of a sharp word or two to put the opposing centre forward in his place. As long as we can afford two new limbs a week, he should have a long and illustrious career ahead of him." Few could now be left in any doubt as to the identity of the 2004-05 Player of the Season, and as stepped up to the podium amid raucous and applause, the popular defender could take great satisfaction from noting that he had become only the second player in the club's history to claim the Players' and the Writers' Awards in the same season.
Note: You can view the winners of the prestigious Logica FC Annual Awards down the years in the Club History section.