Pups In-Speyer-ed but Erik Hands Cup to Italy
Report by Pup Commander, Hatton Major
Few in the Pup's camp would disagree that this year's World Cup had almost everything: there was: spitting; sending-offs; a dramatic penalty shoot-out; a dancing monkey; the annual Pups-Lags encounter; wine; women; song; tapping up; and even the explosion of the myth of ruthless German efficiency.
Pups Prepare with Monkey Magic
On arrival it appeared that many of the teams would be indulging in rather more intimate team-building than they had expected due to the lack of named room allocations and some rather creative interpretation of the term 'double room'. After an extended session of musical hotels, the squad was assembled for a condensed version of the 'La Manga' training camp. In a bid to assuage the demands of the world's media, the Pups mesmerised literally one man and his dog with two-touch five-a-side and elaborate free kick drills played out in scorching temperatures. Ominously for the opposition, there were signs that even some of the more injury-prone members of the team, such as Robo-Gurch and Craig 'The Stretcher' Taylor had timed their convalescence to perfection and were now approaching something akin to mobility.
On the eve of the first game, Hatton Major led an advance party across the Rhein by cover of darkness in what some observers thought might be an ill-advised late night scouting trip into Heidelberg. Surely, such a departure from the established 'in-bed-by-10' mentality which has become increasingly prevalent in recent years could only herald disaster in the face of such a demanding fixture list? Only time would tell, but in the meantime Jaz Badeshia and Justin Timberlake tribute artist Gareth Levinsohn, were into their stride instantly - Anglo-Fritz relations were being boosted to new highs with local student girls and hen parties all flocking for a glimpse of Justin's radiant trainers and fancy footwork.
Despite all these potential distractions, though, the Pups' focus on the job in hand was very much in evidence. Indeed, few who witnessed the finished article will ever forget the elaborate goal celebration choreographed by the Heidelberg-8 that night, bringing together Sepp Groomo's patented Monkey DanceTM and a homage to that most-heart-warming displays of affection so-beloved of the Premiership's finest, the 'Spit-Roast', performed with gusto by our very own Hoyzone. The Sheffield striker was clearly declaring his intention to take one for the team both literally and metaphorically having been handed the arm-band for this year's World Cup in recognition of his sterling League form. The question on everyone's lips was 'would this routine ever see the light of day?'
Diamonds are Forever
It is perhaps a measure of the wealth of experience and associated delusions of grandeur now sweeping the Pup Old Guard that the lack of pre-arranged chauffeur-driven transport to the ground on match day was greeted with disgruntlement in some quarters. Truly “the times they are a-changing”, or so a wizened folk singer from the Lag generation apparently once crooned. These cries swelled to a chorus of disapproval when it was discovered that the usual draught Evian was not laid on at the venue and would have to be procured from the Club bar.
Acting quickly to quell an international incident, new international Supremo Hatton Major distracted the dissenters by outlining his revolutionary new system – a blended outsourcing offering combining a midfield diamond with a sweeper system. Manlio then administered one of his traditionally brutal warm-ups, long since outlawed by the National Association of Physiotherapists. It was never made clear whether his rallying cry of “PUPS ON FIRE!” was intended to galvanise the boys or as a threat to those unwilling to put in the required amount of effort.
HOYZONE RELISHES SECOND BITE AT CHERRY
GROUP C: ENGLAND PUPS 1-0 GERMANY (EUMETSAT)
Scorers: Hoyland
Lubricated, imbrocated and motivated, the Senior Sportsmen's most erudite ensemble crossed the white line for their opening World Cup fixture. First to be put to the sword were legendary ex-Pup Colin Duff's Germany team. The Pups settled quickly and dominated possession from the outset. A handful of presentable chances had been fashioned and spurned by the Pup strike-force before they were the beneficiaries of some questionable refereeing. A penalty was awarded, presumably in recognition of the Pups' siege of the opposition 18-yard box, for those observing could discern no infringement. Ever the embodiment of the Olympian ideal, Captain Hoyland stepped up and duly scuffed his kick wide of the angle in recognition of the referee's poor adjudication.
Honour satisfied, the Pups set about securing victory and it was apt that it should be Hoyzone who should settle the tie with a close range strike in the second half. Not for the first time, the Captain assumed the position and on the sidelines The Monkey was unleashed. Three points had been safely pocketed and Supremo Hatton had raised nearly €2,50 from an appreciative crowd enthralled by the Bacchanalian theatre unfolding before them, but the final scoreline did not accurately reflect the balance of play and the Pups would later rue their profligacy.
LEATHER-ED
GROUP C: ENGLAND PUPS 2-0 LEATHERHEAD
Scorers: Melville, Badeshia
Next up were a depleted Leatherhead side. The Surrey contingent have, in recent years, been growing into a force to be reckoned with on the international stage, but this year's World Cup saw their ranks shrivelled to such an extent that they could only muster a single team. Gone was Matt Benford, the Leatherhead Leopard. Gone was mercurial midfielder Dave Robertson, spirited away on a free transfer to Edinburgh. Robbed of such inspirational talents, they proved no match for a well-organised and confident Pups side and were duly despatched with a brace of goals from new boy Ross Melville and Jaz Badeshia respectively.
With their campaign now in full swing there was to be an unexpected bonus in store for a Pups squad already burgeoning with talent. Bomber Banoub has made a career out of The Late Arrive, and for the World Cup, due to unfortunate personal circumstances, he was forced to delay his run for nearly 48 hours – surely a record even for the Darlington steamer. Suffice to say that his unexpected appearance mid-way through the first day was greeted with a rousing welcome and he was quickly escorted to the dug-out to reclaim his seat on the bench.
FRENCH POLISH DENIES PUPS
GROUP C: ENGLAND PUPS 1-1 MANCHESTER A
Scorers: Melville
The Pups were still smarting from their extra-time semi-final defeat two years ago at the hands of the Manchester upstarts, when, despite laying siege to the opposition goal for much of the game, they succumbed to two late counter-attacks. The sense of injustice was still palpable in the Pup camp and, with many of the protagonists from that sweltering afternoon in Rome lining up again, the atmosphere in the stadium fizzed with the kind of electricity seldom experienced outside the North tower of Lurch's country residence.
The game began in cagey fashion with both teams sizing each other up. This was the business end of the group and neither side were willing to jeopardise their 100% record. As the game wore on though, the Pups superior organisation and determination began to tell and they fashioned a number of presentable chances only to spurn them through some lacklustre finishing. Finally though, the breakthrough came when Melville latched onto a well- weighted diagonal ball. Advancing purposefully into the box, he quickly appraised the situation and lifted a smart finish over and across the advancing goalkeeper and into the net.
The Pups continued in the same vein and, despite a couple of enterprising runs by the Manchester men, their lead was rarely threatened. Until, that is, the back four were caught uncharacteristically cold by a short corner taken quickly by the Mancunian strike-pair. While the Pups were debating who should mark whom, the ball was played short, stopped and whipped dangerously into the six-yard box whereupon Paul French, one of the principle architects of Manchester's previous triumph, rose unchallenged to execute a perfect glancing header across the stranded Corbett for the equaliser. In the time remaining neither side fashioned a chance of note and so the teams remained locked together at the top of the group with one match to play.
PORTUGUESE MEN-O-WAR
GROUP C: ENGLAND PUPS 1-0 PORTUGAL
Scorers: Buck
In the year when Portugal staked their claim as the World Cup's new pantomime villains with a display of petulance, niggle and outright cynicism, it was more than a touch ironic that they should emerge as the front-runners to host next year's tournament. In a game which degenerated from a bad-tempered stalemate to end unbelievably with one of the Iberians spitting on the referee, it was a single James Buck goal which gave the Pups three points.
The goal came late on when Buck's customary endeavour allowed him to beat the Portuguese stick-merchant to the ball to stab home from 6 yards after he had spilled Melville's fizzing long-range drive. The release of frustration was evident in the midfield dynamo's face as he celebrated the break-through that sealed the Pup's qualification from the Group phase once again. One goal was, however, insufficient to stop Manchester 'A' from winning the group on goal difference – a result that was to be decisive for the Pup's long-term aspirations in the competition as it meant they would draw the perennial tournament favourites, Italy in the Quarter-Finals.
HANDBALL AND QUARTERED
Quarter Final: ENGLAND PUPS 0-1 ITALY
Scorers: None
The early exchanges were confined to a congested midfield with few opportunities being fashioned at either end. Inexorably though the Italians began to gain the upper hand through their relentless pressing of the ball when out of possession, and quick, fluid pass and move football when in. Nevertheless, with a significant portion of the second half gone they had fashioned perhaps only one clear cut chance when Rob 'The Cat' Corbett was saved by strategic placement of his crossbar and the Pups' characteristically miserly rearguard was busy but comfortable.
That is until the Footballing Gods, who had found themselves unavoidably detained at Frankfurt airport by an over-enthusiastic German Customs official, arrived late in the box and made themselves big between the referee and an Italian handball so blatant that spectators named Gianni standing 30 yards away were appealing for a free-kick. Consequently, when the Machiavellian Mediterranean pulled the ball down in the six yard box and bundled it over the line from a corner, the Pups found themselves behind for the first time in the tournament. In the remaining minutes, the Italian goal remained untroubled and in a sad echo of England's exit from the 2002 World Cup, an accomplished progression to the knockout stages which promised much was capped by a disappointing early exit at the hands of the tournament favourites and eventual winners.
LAGS LOWERED TO HALF MASTER
Play-Off: ENGLAND PUPS 1-0 ENGLAND LAGS
Scorers: Banoub
In what is fast becoming a World Cup tradition, having both been ejected from the competition proper, the Pups and the Lags were thrown together to evaluate the relative merits of the past masters and their post-modern ironic fashion statements versus young blood and the flat back 8. The pattern of recent years was repeated with Banoub, once again hitting the veterans where it hurts – in the onion bag.
The one-time Wembley net-bulger broke the deadlock midway through the first half when, receiving the ball on the edge of the 18-yard box he executed a turn which belied his massive frame and struck a sweet shot which arrowed into the bottom corner leaving the Lag defence stunned. With that the man they call Uncle Fester1 wheeled away in triumph, for there can be no sweeter moment in football than notching one in the derby match.
The Lags, as they always do, rallied and drove forward in search of an equaliser, showing no shortage of determination and their customary elan. But the Pups were not to be denied and claimed their third consecutive victory over the elder statesmen of the beautiful game.
MANCS DRAW BLANK AS PUPS LIFT FIFTH
Play-Off: ENGLAND PUPS 0-0 MANCHESTER A
(England Pups win 4-3 on pennos)
Pen Scorers: Brown, Banoub, Chapman, Trovato
All that remained was to set the record straight and demonstrate who was really the top team in their group by facing Manchester 'A' once again in the play-off for fifth place. With only pride at stake, the resulting fixture was full of slick pass and move football which made it all the more surprising that first full-time and then extra-time came and went without a goal. Clearly the Football Gods had planned this all along and the tournament was to end with the Pups delivering a clinical lesson in the art of the spot kick.
A succession of perfectly executed strikes were exemplified by Wolverhampton Lag-in-waiting Jez Brown. Despite having both of his legs and one of his lungs in for servicing for the duration of the tour, the six-yard specialist stepped up with the confidence of a man who does not know his own limitations. What followed, unfolded exactly as he has repeatedly told anyone who would listen. With the briefest of run-ups, he lashed the ball right-footed with venom into the top left-hand corner of the goal, leaving the portly Manchester glove-man with little to do but admire the technique of this ageless poster-boy for Smoker's football. Banoub, Chapman and Manlio, stepping out from between the sticks, all followed suit with aplomb and with the Manchester upstarts blazing over the bar with their second spot kick it was left to Trovato to finish the job with a Jerzy Dudek style save to hand the Pups victory.
Tap 'n' Spiel
The 2005 World Cup was not without its dark side. The shameless and repeated attempts by senior members of the Lag fraternity to tap up Pup libero Pete Chapman must surely be investigated at the highest level [Dear Sir(s), We will be happy to see you in court, wherein we are confident that the faithful representation of our clients, the 'England Lags', will see the truth out. A copy of our rates are available on request. Yours cordially, Muck, Rake and Fabricant – Solicitors to the Lags].
Furthermore, the emergence of more Pup-tribute artists such as Mega-Suranga to supplement the already-established Mini-Manlio, has highlighted a disturbing trend as the younger teams aim to emulate their heroes from previous World Cups with ever more complicated cosmetic surgery and gene therapy. Clearly, the advent of full team of mutant-super-pups cannot be far away, and although imitation is said to be the sincerest form of flattery, this reporter has grave concerns over the implications of theses attempts to synthesize success in the laboratory rather than forging it in the fierce heat of the Sunday League arena. Nevertheless, these isolated incidents are clearly down to a few bad apples in the football barrel and could do little to take the shine off an enthralling feast of football.
For the pups, after a hat-trick of third place finishes, there are doubtless those who will look at the bare statistics of a Quarter Final exit as failure, but this would be a mistake. In a tournament which saw the Pups play a brand new experimental system and concede only two goals (one illegitimate), which gave first international caps to a new generation of Pups – Chapman, Moorthy, Melville - and which saw the death of the pre-match early night, Speyer will ultimately be remembered as much for the camaraderie fostered off the field as for the results achieved on it, and that can only auger well for the domestic season to come.
1 Amongst many other things.