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DREAM TEAM REFLECTIONS #1
THE HAND OF FATE
Abbott Picks Over The Gory Details
SAFE HANDS
After last year’s shameful Saturday exit, the dark and powerful forces behind the Lag bid for World Domination returned responsibility to a tried and tested quartet of hands. Yes, the Dream Team Management Duo TM were released from suspended animation and given the simple mission of going one better than their semi-final achievement in Prague. They immediately set to work in their renowned professional manner, assembling the necessary elements needed to lift trophies at international level: a sexy all-black strip, two dozen comedy moustaches, a box-set of Schnapps-and-Popper party packs, an extra consignment of McWilliams, a small set of limited edition ‘We Love Skippy’ postcards, the de riguer parchment of sepia (or was it London Pride) tinted paper with a few scribbles on it that would pass as a valuable record of a perceptive tactical vision should the Lags stumble home with the silverware, a talented local keeper old enough to be a number of Lags’ grandson, two sets of stylish leisurewear, and a DVD Box-Set of Legendary Footballing Stratagems (Vol 1: The Lego Football Revolution; Vol 2: The Art of Cartridge Football; Vol 3: Glory Through The Arc of Possession).
DREAM TEAM SPOT ON
GROUP C: HOLLAND 'A' 1-1 ENGLAND LAGS
Scorers: Abbott (pen)
In terms of the Group of Death, this was the murderous opening scene. The host’s A-team, who are generally considered to be bad travellers (both their World Cup triumphs have been achieved on home soil) still managed to reach the semi-finals in Rome, and would undoubtedly have a larger squad to select from this time around, as witnessed by their original entry of four teams into the tournament. Consequently the Dream Team Management Duo would need to pull something extraordinary out of the bag to combat this potent threat. Their response was both risky and revolutionary in equal measure, certainly something never attempted before. A warm-up training session!
But unlike the hotel breakfast bar after the Italians had passed through, this mad and crazy idea bore fruit. Whilst many Pups were still staggering bleary-eyed in desperate search of caffeine-inspired resuscitation, the Lags were assembling in Reception, unifyingly resplendent in Saturday’s official aqua-marine leisurewear. The first squad to arrive at the stadium, the Lags were soon enjoying a carefully planned Balls Reunited net-session along with some extensive stretching exercises to stir muscles not used for twelve months in most cases. Whilst there were some raised eye-brows during the ‘hoof-the-ball-over-the-bar’ drill (not least from new keeper Sinnige, who must have wondered what he had let himself in for), the proof was in the pudding as England started at some pace and took the game to the home side early doors.
Then disaster struck. That Mitchell Grassie picked up an injury was not a surprise in itself, but he usually lasts a couple of games before crumpling in a heap. This time his World Cup was over inside ten minutes as a horrendously late tackle did all kinds of damage in the ankle region. The Lags adjusted quickly, moving Skippy back to the heart of defence, but the early impetus was lost and the Dutch threatened with some speedy breaks mostly inspired by the old and familiar spectre of Harry Garnaat.
England seemed to have recovered with some bright football at the start of the second half, but perhaps took their eye off the ball temporarily as another incisive Dutch breakaway saw sheer pace enable their striker to burst clear and slot home between the open legs of Sinnige. But, appropriately enough in the Group of Death, the Lags came armed with a never-say-die attitude, a characteristic that would be emphasised repeatedly in the later rounds. Spence was unlucky when a deflected effort flew just wide, before the introduction of Abbott pepped up the Lags further. A headed flick-on by the substitute saw Pete Donnelly poking just wide, before some classic Abbott fannery out left produced a cross that McHattie fired just the wrong side of the post.
The Lags had already had a strong appeal for a penalty turned down after a Dutch defender handled from a corner, but with the clock ticking down Stuart McHattie exemplified the Lag persistence by chasing down a hopeful long ball that the Dutch keeper got to first. Whether it was the overly dry surface that caused an error is not clear, but the ball slipped through the keeper’s hands and as the dust settled McHattie found himself prostrate after pursuing the loose ball. Some extended and extravagant disputations failed to distract the focused Abbott, who calmly sent the angry number one the wrong way to earn the England a well-deserved point that would prove invaluable at the end of the day.
ENGLISH WIZARDRY SLAYS WELSH
GROUP C: ENGLAND LAGS 4-0 WALES
Scorers: Woolhouse, Abbott (pen), Reeves, Spence
With Leatherhead having convincingly put three past the Welsh without reply, and wary of last year’s draw-heavy early exit, the Dream Team were in no doubt that this was a must-win game. In a small but significant tactical tweak, Andy McWilliam was moved to the heart of the defence with the galloping dynamo that is Skippy restored to midfield – a switch that saw the best of both players in this and subsequent matches.
The Welsh had proved difficult and combative opponents in Rome, and a hard game was anticipated. But despite the sporadic sortie from the men in red, it was the Lags’ own impatience that looked like becoming the main threat as the English dominated the first half. As chances came and went, most notably a teasingly close volley from James McCabe that culminated a brilliant run forward from left-back, frustration started to creep into the English ranks as the cries of encouragement became more strained. Fortunately all the pressure was released minutes before the interval when Simon Woolhouse proved sharpest in the box at a corner, pouncing to acrobatically volley home a loose ball from close range.
In the second half the Lags relaxed and the football flowed. A brilliant passing moving straight from the kick-off set the tone, with Abbott’s diving header from the edge of the box flying narrowly wide after a snappy interchange with Richmond. Soon Spence was played clear, and after being scythed down not once but twice, Abbott was again on hand to convert the spot-kick despite some mock-comedy substitution tomfoolery from his Dream Team partner. The striker turned provider minutes later as he lobbed a ball into the path of the on-rushing Reevaldo and some elaborate footwork saw the ebullient hole-merchant round two defenders and keeper elaborately to slot home the goal of the game. A neat fourth followed, as a sublime first time pass from Abbott enabled Spence to rifle home clinically, and there could have been more, most notably when Donnelly was denied by a brave block from the Welsh keeper with Damo Mackinney in game pursuit.
DRAWING HEART
GROUP C: LEATHERHEAD 0-0 ENGLAND LAGS
Scorers: None
With Leatherhead going down to the impressive Dutch, the Lags’ point in the opening game meant that another draw would see them safely through. The Lags showed some signs of tiring, but a spirited and determined rearguard action saw the old men grind out the point they needed. In truth, there were few clear cut chances for either side and Andy McWilliam in particular turned in a superb all-round performance at the back that saw him popping up everywhere that danger threatened to rear its head. Indeed it was a measure of the outstanding display of the whole back-line that Sinnige had relatively little to do.
Despite this, the final whistle brought relief to both anxious hearts and tired limbs, for Leatherhead had shown enough quality to make it clear that they could nick a goal at any time. But the old men held out, and had survived the Group of Death. The first step of the Dream Team master-plan had been executed to perfection. But as the Lags slumped wearily but satisfied in their changing room, there was still one shock to come. Dave Richmond (for it was he) asked his long-time colleagues to raise a glass with him as he tearfully announced that this would be his last World Cup, a difficult decision that he summed up with one last legendary Skippyism: “You never say never again in this game, but this is my last tournament!” We can but hope that the great man has still not said ‘Never again’ by this time next year.
OLD MEN CAN JUMP
QUARTER-FINAL: MANCHESTER 'A' 1-2 ENGLAND LAGS
Scorers: OG, Spence
Sunday brought with it the meat of the tournament, and once again the Utrecht sun was roasting. The quarter-finals paired the old blokes against Manchester, last year’s finalists, who had effectively knocked the Lags out of the tournament on Saturday afternoon with a late equaliser following the infamous CorinthianGate scandal. Revenge did not really feature on the menu, hot or cold: the Lags simply wanted to extend their interest in this year’s competition. We knew only too well that Manchester were a good footballing side with pace and skill, and we’d have to be at our best to win through.
Despite another extended stretching session to loosen arthritic muscles, the luxury of a lie-in seemed to find some Lags still half asleep as the match kicked off. Manchester shot out of the blocks, applying pressure from the first whistle and England found themselves on the back foot. Despite some stout defending with Venis and McWilliam standing tall and calm, the Mancunians took a deserved lead with a truly magnificent goal. Some intricate build-up play saw McWilliam for once lured into a mistimed tackle on the edge of the box. A penalty might have resulted, but in a trice the loose ball was whipped with venom over the despairing dive of Sinnige and perfectly into the top-right hand corner.
The Lags now had their work cut out, but responded with some well worked attacks of their own as the half wore on, and gradually fought their way back into contention. Skippy was posing a consistent threat down the right with his speed, strength and quality and Sidaway made it look as if it is was 1984 rather than 2004, as his non-stop runs caused havoc in the Mancunian rearguard. Chances were carved out, most notably a close-range volleying opportunity that just wouldn’t fall right for the dangerous McManus, but finally the pressure told seconds before the interval as the Lags claimed a slightly fortuitous equaliser. Andy McWilliam rifled a free-kick at pace into the danger zone, causing panic in the Mancunian back-line as one defender rose to glance the ball backwards into his own net.
It was a good time to score a goal, and the Lags came out in the second half and played some of their best football for many a year. The movement was good, the passing crisp and it was a joy to behold. In another inspired tactical tweak, the Dream Team Duo had moved Spence back into a central midfield role and as ever the ageless Scot used his footballing brain to great effect, continually linking neatly with Reevaldo and Woolhouse in particular. Abbott threw himself into the fray and helped keep the pressure up on the Mancunians, one elegant ‘Cruyff turn’ near the bye-line particularly catching the eye for its elaborate nonciness.
Chances came and went but there was no Lag frustration today, as the old men seemed confident, playing the way they were, that the goal would come. And indeed it did, with five minutes left. After all the neat play that had gone before, it was perhaps surprising that it was a scrappy affair, but nobody in the Lag camp was complaining. A cross was half blocked, and ballooned up in the air. Initially it looked a safe catch for the keeper, but seemingly from nowhere sprung Spence in salmonic fashion to head accurately beyond the startled keeper. The Lags were in the semi-finals of the World Cup.
ITALIANS HANDED VICTORY AFTER BOLD LAG BID
SEMI-FINAL: ENGLAND LAGS 2-4 ITALY (aet)
Scorers: Sidaway, A.McWilliam
As in 2000 (when they lost on penalties to Holland) and 2002 (when they fell to the Czechs), the England Lags were once again just one match away from the World Cup Final. Would 2004 see them clear the last hurdle finally? The omens were not good. They were playing the reigning Champions and four-times winners Italy, who they had lost to in each of their previous three World Cup encounters. But the old men were in fine form, perhaps their best ever, and somehow there seemed a real belief in the Lag camp that they could finally break the Italian hoodoo this year.
The first half fully justified this quiet pre-match confidence, but only after a first minute scare. Andy McWilliam, who had been outstanding at the heart of the England defence, desperately tried to tackle an Italian forward played clear on goal. The challenge was mistimed and the Italian was felled just yards outside the penalty box. Lag hearts were in their mouths but fortunately the referee produced only yellow, and further relief followed as the dead-ball was fired wide.
Reprieved, the Lags set about wresting some control and took the game to the Italians. Showing composure and skill in equal measure, the English crafted some attacks that genuinely had the Italians stretched. Sidaway and Abbott ran tirelessly up front to provide options, whilst the midfield quartet of Reevaldo, Spence (who played the entire semi-final in a false moustache as a personal protest at some of the less than Corinthian tactics shown by the opponents in previous tournaments), McHattie and Richmond probed with calm persistence. A number of corners had already been forced before Reevaldo arrowed a beautiful dead-ball into the near post. Sidaway rolled back the years as he stole a yard (which was in his mind of course) on his marker, and bulleted home a perfect header.
For the first time ever, the Lags led the Italians. But such was their rich vein of form that they simply carried on pressing for more goals, and they were unlucky not to add to their tally as they hit the bar twice before the interval. First another vicious McWilliam free-kick found the faintest of touches from the Italian keeper deflecting the ball onto the bar, but as Abbott closed in anticipation of a snaffled rebound, he was surprised to see the power of the shot cause the ball to ping back off the bar over his head almost to the edge of the box. Soon Abbott was pouncing on a loose ball, and a snappy first time reverse pass beyond the last defender played his strike-partner clear. Sidaway opted to shoot first time with the outside of his right foot, but the powerful strike cannoned back off the underside of the bar and was cleared to safety. More bad luck followed as minutes before the interval when a tame long-range shot somehow bobbled between the legs of Sinnige, and the Italians were gifted an equaliser.
Woolhouse and McManus added fresh attacking impetus for the second half, but slowly the Italians began to wrest control of the game as their pacey and swift counter-attacks exposed the limitations of older legs. But the Lag back-line held firm, with McWilliam and Venis repelling all that was thrown at them in the middle, and Oliver and McCabe battling courageously at full-back – the latter in particular sticking gamely to his task of marking the brilliant Italian number 17. The second Italian goal, when it came, was disappointing however. A free-kick was awarded on the edge of the box for an innocuous challenge, and then the Lags stood like statues as the ball was drilled past the wall and into a gap at the back stick.
Incredibly, though the Lags responded immediately. An equally soft free-kick was awarded to them and Andy McWilliam bulleted a perfect shot over the wall and into the top right-hand corner for a superb strike (see link to a video clip of this goal at the bottom of this match report). There was a huge roar from the new stand, and suddenly the players (up until then absorbed in the game) were suddenly aware of the size of the crowd. Buoyed, the Lags pressed forward in search of a winner, but were not able to breach the Champions’ defence. With seconds left, more great skill from the Italian right-winger produced a cross that picked out an unmarked colleague. The game seemed up as head met ball cleanly six yards out, but keeper Sinnige dived instinctively and somehow managed to tip the goalbound effort over the bar. Comparisons with Banks in Mexico were unavoidable, and the youngster had more than made up for his earlier error.
Extra time seemed certain to favour the younger and fitter Italians, but once again the Lags proved the pundits wrong as they looked more than comfortable in the first half of silver goal extra time. And their chance came shortly before the interval, as Reevaldo arced in yet another superb cross. The goal and the World Cup Final seemed at the Lags’ mercy, but somehow two players got in each other’s way, and McManus’ distracted header ended up bouncing weakly wide.
In a mirror image of normal time, the second half swung back in the Italians favour as their superior fitness began to show. The English hung on bravely and with just four minutes remaining, it seemed they could hold out for penalties. But again the arbitrariness of officialdom intervened. An Italian attack saw the Lags outnumbered, but somehow first one shot and then a second was blocked. But as the ball was scrambled clear, English relief turned to horror as the referee blew his whistle and pointed to the spot. Even the Italians had not appealed, and the Dutchman had to explain that the award was for a handball. The Lag players were adamant that none of their hands had touched ball, and afterwards the referee sheepishly confessed that he “may have made a mistake”. The Italians struck home the spot-kick and as the English piled forward more in hope than conviction for another equaliser, the Champions clinically broke to thrash home a cruel fourth goal.
The Lag Dream was over, but it had been a monumental and heroic effort, and a fine game of football to boot.
[Play the video of Andy McWilliam's stunning strike against the Italians (700k)]
OUT AND DOWN
3rd/4th PLACE PLAY-OFF: ENGLAND PUPS 3-0 ENGLAND LAGS
Scorers: None
After the epic semi-final encounter, the Lags were both mentally and physically exhausted. There was little enthusiasm for a play-off consolation against the Pups, and the Dream Team shuffled their pack significantly. The old men created the occasional opening, such as when Abbott burst past last man Brown, even gallantly avoiding the Pup’s cynical attempt to bring him down that would surely have seen red. But the striker dithered as Trovato came quickly off his line and the chance was wasted. The same forward also broke clear down the left after an elaborate dummy, and his cross picked out Woolhouse whose agile volley agonisingly rippled only the side-netting.
But by-and-large the Lags’ hearts were not in it, and two soft goals given away before half-time effectively sealed the match as a contest. The Lags came close with a couple of headers after the interval, but conceded a third goal near the end when McCabe sportingly stopped as a Pup player went down in agony, only to see another youngster go on to score unaware of what had occurred behind him. It was an anti-climatic conclusion to their tournament, but the Lags could take some solace from their first five performances which were collectively the best showing ever by a Lags side in a World Cup.
SHIRTS DO MATTER
And so the Lags were left only with memories, a comedy moustache, and a fine range of quality leisurewear. But ever mindful of the spirit of Lag fraternity, a thoughtful old man had a splendid idea whilst travelling home late on Sunday night. Sitting having a horlicks on the upper tier inside Schiphol airport awaiting his flight home, he spied some decorative antique luggage arranged artistically on some shelves above some banks of seating. Being somewhat sartorially challenged himself, it crossed his mind that there may well come a time on their continual global travels when a Lag may unexpectedly find himself caught short in the fashion department.
Wouldn't it be reassuring for Lags to know that, whatever airport you were at in the world, there would always be some stylish and mature leisurewear you can call upon in a moment of crisis? Consequently he decided to start a support network by depositing his 2004 Lag Leisurewear in one of the aforementioned decorative suitcases (row nearest MacDonald's, last suitcase on the right). And lo and behold who should be hobbling through Schiphol airport the following day but two shabbily attired Dream Team Managers, who were mightily cheered to find such a fine item of clothing waiting for them.
With the network activated, a number of other wealthy donors have sacrificed keeping their 2004 Leisurewear range for those vital social occasions, and instead bequeathed their shirts to a good cause by leaving them tactically but covertly deployed at a major international airport. You never know when a Lag might be grateful for some life-saving & good-looking fashion fall-back.
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REALITY IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
Sidaway
Peers Deep into his Dark and Tormented Soul
as He Tries to Come to Terms With Semi-Final Defeat
ITCHY
Another year, and another chance to scratch the itch that is ‘winning the LogicaCMG World Cup’ has just passed us ageing Lags by once more – defiantly so. We came close, oh yes, but not close enough. We planned well, and to a degree executed well, but, like a pissed-up bullshitter, we could not answer coherently for long enough when the hard questions were being asked.
It is, it has to be, that brutal an analysis.
SUCCESS...
Can it be a successful tour with such an outcome? Well - like every year - yes and no.
Yes, because the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive and respectful of how much successful planning, organisation, preparation and judgement had been expended to make sure twenty-or-so grown men have an enjoyable time over a footballing weekend in Holland.
Yes, because we Lags played up to (most of) our expectations, negotiating a real ‘Group of Death’, insolently refusing to back down to younger and/or equally talented opposition, and then overcoming quarter-final rivals with a self-belief which never had the outcome in doubt - at least not in my mind.
Yes, because our facilities, our ‘playing experience’ and even our hotel room(s) were for the umpteenth time impeccable – Hell, we even boasted a Jacuzzi, which for some of us was most welcome before the football had even begun.
Yes, it was a success because we all treat the weekend as a welcome opportunity to meet friends who, for one reason or another, cannot, do not, get the opportunity to meet at any other time. That reason alone should ensure the Lags continue to attend for many years to come, fortified by the new players who join the squad year-on-year. And who’s to say this is not the raison d’être of the England Lags? England Lags have a longer-than-average heritage, y’know !? (…and that might work as a t-shirt logo for next year !).
If we ever became uncompetitive, would it all be worth it? I think not.
...OR FAILURE?
Which brings me the ‘dark’ side of the tour, the bits where I felt the tour fell short. My view is that the tour failed in areas as equally fundamental as those lauded above.
One Example: Why did so many players arrive relatively late, and leave as soon as they could?
I know all about the commitments we all carry, but surely a tour is about more that turning up at the last minute and leaving at the first opportunity? Does this not contradict one of the reasons we come on tour at all? That is one of my regrets – it simply doesn’t compute with some of the reasons why the England Lags turn up to play in the World Cup.
And another thing: Maybe we tried too hard. Maybe we traded ‘amusement’ for sensible preparation? Did our compromises cause us to ‘lose out’ on a fun dimension which, previously, made our tours such a basket of wonderful memories (none of which we can mention here...).
And lastly, did we, like our fellow England representatives in Europe this summer, seem happy to settle for a place in the semi’s – to play up to our expectations – when our expectations of winning the trophy quietly evaporated?
I bloody well hope not!
PLAYING FOR THE SHIRT
Nonetheless, I think our football-playing Italian foes will come back to haunt England this summer and I, for one, will know how it feels when it happens. I, amongst others in the squad, can admire and condemn them in the same breath … is that what respect feels like?
So, in total, the downside, for me, from a personal point of view, in my humble opinion, made the tour manifestly not the most joyous. Of course it had it’s memorable moments, but they sadly didn’t make up for the disappointment of losing out - again. I thought we had that good a chance.
I wondered on the plane if I’d ever be a happy tourist again? But then, from nowhere, I recalled Mr Reeves’ masterstroke of mirth in Amsterdam Airport, and how the Dream Team laughed. We should have more fun on tour, as well as taking care of business elsewhere… I’m off to Prague soon, so look out for the location of the Ivory shirt.
QUESTIONABLE
Back to the football. As our efforts brought us to the projected semi-final against opponents we collectively, supposedly, have grown to repudiate on footballing grounds, we were again posed the question; “Are you good enough?” (Go with it - I’m into asking questions…)
And every year, as our answer gets more articulate and compelling, our capability to deliver that answer gets weaker and weaker. The race has been on for several years now: the inverse relationship between age and capability to win grows ever more proportional. This year it was more apparent than ever.
So we compensate with fresh faces, and they are very welcome and, thankfully, great additions. Born Lags – there is no higher praise. Come on down Mr McWilliam and Mr Sinnige. They probably sensed at some time they were Born Lags - even if they couldn’t find a way to articulate such a strange feeling(!).
However, with several formal ‘Lag’ retirements this year, you’d think I’d be sad. And yet … I cannot help but honestly feel that as one door shuts another one is opening. We’ll miss you, but we’ve got a World Cup to win.
So it’s got to be ‘next year’, again, again, again, again, again…(fade to black)
FINAL
A few final thought’s and some advice:
EPILOGUE
For Christssakes let’s win it next year. But let us not ‘sell’ all our fun for football preparation. Next time lets come prepared to let rip and make the Lags Tour the memorable place it has been and will be again. And how about hanging around for a bit?
Next up its Hamburg. I can feel that itch starting up already! Can you? Only 49 weekends to go.
Yours in sport,
Sid
(Partner in Dream Team Enterprises).
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