A morning that started with one of the most shambolic car convoy disasters in modern Logica history, ended happily with a convincing win, three points, a superb comeback, and a momentous goalscoring landmark. Despite a patchy performance, Logica easily saw off bottom club Townmead courtesy of six goals without reply. Veteran Lag striker Mark Abbott claimed four of these, and perhaps more importantly Dav Gautam claimed a fine goal on his comeback after a nine month injury lay-off. And perhaps the best goal of the day belonged to Jon Clarke.

This all looked a pretty unlikely outcome at 9.30am. A buzzing mobile phone brought news that the Supremo had only just woken up, despite a sophisticated state-of-the-art twin alarm clock system. Worse, in adherence with the unwritten rule of Sunday morning football, it was the gaffer who had the kit.

Whilst Groom stumbled off in search of a taxi (unable to secure the same kind of police escort that had seen him safely home to his bed the previous evening), the small group of Logica players who had battled manfully to reach the designated meeting point turned their attentions to ‘navigating in’ a couple of their team-mates who possessed neither an A-to-Z, nor the faintest clue where they were going. Mercer Field was finally directed to the Riverside Lands Stadium, but Mike Marsh proved a more stubborn challenge.

After much complex navigational jargon (“No, you’re at the wrong station completely!”) and a substantial additional to the collective mobile phone bill, Marsh finally arrived at the right station just after ten. A three car convoy then set off for the ground, with Marsh safely sandwiched between two cars who knew where they were going. Having traversed Chiswick Bridge, the first and third cars turned right down the driveway which led to the ground, but Marsh continued straight on in blissful ignorance. It was thirty minutes before we saw him again!

Luckily, our opponents were even more badly organised, and a nearly-full compliment of Logica players were able to warm up whilst Townmead waited for half their team to appear. Even then, things did not look too optimistic for our heroes. Jeff Hatton had failed a late fitness test, whilst Reevaldo (foot), Taylor (knee) and Abbott (hamstring) all reported for duty somewhat the worse for wear. There was some good news with the return from injury of Dav Gautam, playing his first game since the Amsterdam World Cup. But even that silver lining was tempered by the observation that Gautam had hoped for a ten minute substitute’s cameo to ease himself gently back into the fray, where as the situation now demanded a full ninety minutes of him.

Despite all this, Logica started the game in determined fashion, and it was Abbott who signalled Logica’s intent in the first minute. Receiving a neat pass from Field, he turned and slipped the ball past his marker, leaving the player trailing in his wake. The angle was acute, but Abbott managed to rifle in a shot which was heading towards the roof of the net until the keeper scorched his palms tipping the ball over the bar.

Unfortunately, this positive start fizzled out a bit. Logica were playing by far the better football but seemed a bit slovenly when it really counted, with players dallying on the ball too long, or passes going astray. A numbering of promising moves had thus failed to yield any clear-cut chances, and the players were just starting to show some frustration when an opening goal came out of the blue.

There seemed little on when Reevaldo received the ball just over the half way line, but the Hackney Houdini had spotted his Lag colleague Abbott setting off on a trundling diagonal run. Reevaldo clipped a pass into space behind the Townmead back four, and Abbott’s pace did not stop him getting to the ball first. Although his direction was away from goal, the keeper committed himself to a sliding challenge, upending the Logica striker as he reached the scene a fraction too late. Abbott picked himself up, dusted himself down, and calmly slotted the penalty low into the corner [1-0].

The goal calmed the visitors who started to play with a little more conviction. Gautam and Clarke were showing some nice touches in the middle of the park, and Reevaldo in particular was being played in down the left regularly. One such move found the wizard of the dribble cutting an inviting ball back to Abbott. He squared to Mercer Field on the right, whose shot was just too high.

Field had been creating plenty of space for himself on the right, although Logica had not fed him as often as they should, partly due to the wind gusting into their faces. But now Field did receive the ball, and showed just what he could do. Going past one man, he burst towards the penalty area. Showing tenacity, he battled through another tackle before squaring unselfishly to Abbott. The old man still had a bit to do, mainly in the fannying department. He neatly side-stepped inside one defender after a moderately elaborate dummy, but then seemed to get a bit bored, and merely fired the ball low past a sprawling keeper [2-0].

Despite a fairly commanding lead, Logica were still not totally convincing. Townmead managed to force a couple of corners against some erratic defending, and even had one goal disallowed for a foul on keeper Pendleton. The Logica keeper also pulled off his only serious save of the match when he dived full length to brilliantly tip a fifteen yard shot around the post, after the defence had allowed a Townmead striker a clear run on goal.

Stand-in full back Nigel Hoyland was adapting reasonably well, but Townmead’s most dangerous player was on the other flank and was giving the Supremo a severe wake-up call. Regular long balls down the right flank saw the lanky home right-winger using his gangly pace to some effect. Groom was a bit unfortunate that Mead’s even taller, nearly-as-fast, right half often doubled up with his team mate to pose a twin threat. Watching these three chasing a long hoof down the right was like watching a daddy long-legs being confronted with an ignited Zippo.

Groom proved that he was equally adept at the comedy solo act. In pursuit of a simple pass, without an opponent in sight, this leader of men suddenly and for no apparent reason went arse over tit in a flailing rotation of arms and legs, very much in the style of Charlie Chaplin. Less amusing was a tackle on Reevaldo just before the break. A crunching tackle from behind found a Townmead midfielder landing on Reevaldo’s dodgy foot with the ball long-gone. This was the player’s second bad tackle in as many minutes, but he only received a not-so-stern lecture from the generally weak referee. In contrast, Logica’s finest hole merchant was stretchered from the field in some pain. Banoub replaced him, with Taylor dropping back to midfield.

The second half found Logica trying to kill off their bottom placed opponents. Field was getting the better of his man in a continual tussle that saw both players penalised at regular intervals for pulling the other one back. From one such free kick given in the Logica man’s favour, the visitors added a third goal, and it was a tremendous moment for one player in particular. Dav Gautam took the kick which was headed straight back to him by a defender. Controlling the ball in a flash, the midfielder let fly from fully thirty yards and saw his perfectly placed left foot drive arc over the helpless keeper and into the top corner [3-0]. After nine months out with a serious knee injury, this superb strike was a fine reward for all the hard work that Gautam has put in on the physio’s bench and in the gym. The reaction of the entire Logica team, who joyfully mobbed the scorer, showed just how glad they were to have this quality player back playing again.

Logica continued in erratic vein, and errors at regular intervals ensured that Townmead kept an interest in the game. However, Paul Mainwaring continued his majestic form of late, and despite filling an unfavoured centre half role, he was regularly to be found sweeping up authoritatively behind his defensive colleagues and nipping Townmead attacks in the bud. He was supported ably by his centre back partner Mike Marsh, who pulled off a series of vital last-ditch tackles in the second half which masked his similar preference for a full-back slot, and indicated that Marsh didn’t look too lost in the centre lane.

Despite these occasional periods of defensive action, Logica spent the majority of time attacking. They should have had a fourth goal when Paul Banoub blasted home a crisp volley from twelve yards after the Townmead keeper had flapped at a corner. As the Teessider wheeled away celebrating, the referee mysteriously awarded a free-kick to the home side. One presumes this was a knee jerk reaction to a flailing keeper losing the ball, although there was no contact on the number one, let alone a foul. Craig Taylor also went close. Speed of thought saw him get to a loose ball before a dallying defender, and he then ghosted inside the last man before crashing a shot against the bar with just the keeper to beat. The rebound fell to the same player, but still annoyed at his initial profligacy, the Leeds man snatched at the bouncing ball and it went too high.

The fourth goal, when it did arrive, was not beautifully crafted, but it did come in a classically characteristic fashion that was worthy of the milestone it represented. A weak clearance from the Townmead number one was intercepted smartly by Abbott. The ageing striker’s first effort was blocked by a keeper keen to make amends, but Abbott latched onto the rebound, elegantly side-stepping a lunging glove, before executing a sublime chip over the covering defender on six yards. The Townmead player leapt backwards to try and claw the shot out, but even an illegal handball couldn’t stop this landmark lob [4-0].

The momentousness of this goal went well beyond the fact that it completed Abbott’s hat trick. It was also the player’s 150th domestic goal for the club in his fifteenth season playing for them. Abbott has reached this landmark in 219 competitive appearances (including seven as sub), giving him an overall goals-per-game ratio of 0.69.

As a measure of the magnitude of this impressive scoring consistency, the statistic compares more than favourably with other striking legends of the modern game such as Michael Owen (a ratio of 0.55 courtesy of 106 goals in 194 appearances); Ian Rush (0.53 from 346 in 658); Ian Wright (0.53 from 302 in 566); Alan Shearer (0.53 from 285 in 536); Robbie Fowler (0.52 from 178 in 343); Kevin Spence (0.50 from 99 in 200). In fact, the only modern legend to surpass Abbott’s ratio is one Keith Sidaway (0.84 from 105 in 125). Abbott’s international record of 19 goals in 28 World Cup games at a rate of 0.68 only serves to reinforce the consistent scoring achievements of this player.

As Abbott has matured as a player he has come to appreciate more and more the finer and subtler qualities of the oft overlooked assist, and pay less heed to the cheap plonk of simple goalscoring. He continued in pursuit of this altruistic art, first releasing Sutton in the inside right channel for cross-shot that was blocked, and then playing a delightful reverse pass inside the last defender that set Banoub in the clear. It was not Noobie’s day, however, for as the striker nudged the ball past the onrushing keeper he was blatantly body-checked by the last line of defence. To add insult to metaphorical injury, the referee rather remarkably waved play on.

Abbott did finally get his sought after assist minutes later. A sharp interchange between Banoub and Clarke saw the ball moved on to Abbott on the left touchline. His sidefooted return pass beyond the last defender coincided with the perfectly timed run from Jon Clarke, and the Scotsman finished with aplomb by curling a shot around the goalkeeper [5-0].

And there was still time left for a sixth goal. Sutton received the ball in the centre circle and poked a ball through to Abbott, free on the left. The striker was in confident mood by now, and undertook a mild fanny by wafting back inside the desperate lunge of a back tracking defender, before precisely sidefooting into the far corner for goal number 151 [6-0].

The final whistle was quick to follow, and Logica had ended a run of three consecutive league defeats with an emphatic and much needed three points. Abbott was slightly disappointed after the match. “I’ve been aware for the last two games that I was on 147. I’d planned an Ian Wright style T-shirt message to mark this impending milestone, “150” scrawled in cheap biro on my official Logica vest, to be unveiled to the banks of flashing photographers and TV cameras when the big one-five-oh went in. But it has been so long since I last notched a hat-trick that I hadn’t thought there was any urgency, and that was still plenty of weeks, if not months, left for me to prepare my landmark fashion statement. Oh well.”