AN ELDERLY PARTY
by Idea Manager Mark Abbott

CLUB 38-50 HOLIDAYS
The first batch of holiday fun-seekers to arrive finally found their Club 38-50 Holidays Rep amidst the hot and barmy bustle of Prague airport. Babs immediately got her first inkling of what she would have to deal with over the next four days when one of the excited party of senile old duffers known as The Lags realised that they'd left their wallet on the plane. No matter. They were just glad to be at the party.

With some difficulty, Babs finally managed to shepherd the gaggle of babbling OAPs onto the coach. The bus-driver, a sort of grouty Blakey character boasting an impressive pair of Camacho armpits, was not impressed. A meandering forty five minute coach ride to their "city centre luxury modern" Hotel Opatov seemed excessive revenge. When he finally dropped them outside a half-converted high-rise block of flats in the middle of the Prague equivalent of Moss Side, they thought it must be a joke. It was not. It was every package holiday-maker's nightmare, turning up at a half (un)built hotel complex, but the Lags didn't care. They were just glad to be at the party.

Babs had her work cut out trying to explain the procedure of signing in for an LWC ID card, tourist map and de riguer old-persons head-scarf prior to checking into the hotel. Half the party kept attempting to 'pop out for a pint of milk' whilst she fielded interminably repeated questioning as to where the nearest Post Office was so that they could collect their pension on Monday. When miraculously the Lags had been assigned a bedroom each, they assembled for a group trip to the local Bingo Hall. "Ooh, looks like the weather's turning." The rain fell in torrents and was knee-deep quicker than you could build an ark (the original construction of which, one old Lag remembered from his youth), and the lightning was so frequent that the night-sky resembled permanent daylight. "Should have gone to Margate like last year," joshed one old dear, but really they didn't mind. They were just glad to be at the party. Even the ineptitude of a be-ponied-tailed old Lag against the Brazilians failed to spoil the mood for long.

When Saturday came, the remainder of the party had managed to navigate the cross-European air-traffic jams caused by the storms, and the group of nineteen ageing tourists gathered outside the hotel for the day-trip to Blšany in blazing temperatures of 34 degrees. They looked resplendent in their matching Lag Leisurewear, and you could sense that the opposition were somewhat in awe at the collective style on show. Even the intrusion of some spotty oiks on the back seats of the Lags Luxury Coach failed to lower the tone. The Lags had arrived at the party.

THE NUMBERS GAME
GROUP A: ENGLAND LAGS 4-1 BLYTHE VALLEY SPARTANS
Scorers: Reeves, Spence, McManus(2)
The opening match in Group A pitted the Lags against a largely unknown quantity from Birmingham. The opening exchanges were closely contested, and the Lags were grateful to new goalkeeper Cookie for keeping them in the game with some brave one-on-one blocks. But an elegant finish from Reevaldo, rolling the ball into the far corner after a jinking run, calmed the aging nerves. Strong work by Skippy on the left bye-line culminated in a low cross to the near post that was expertly converted by the predatory Spence.

The Management Dream Team master-minded wholesale changes at the break, and their seemingly unfathomable wisdom was immediately exemplified when substitute Nige '110%' McManus scored with his first touch in international football. The same player displayed the same level of composure to fire home a fourth goal and the Lags were thoroughly enjoying the party. Despite the seven-substitute rule, the whole nineteen man squad somehow received a run-out courtesy of some astute Management number-calling, and with all the usual suspects gelling instinctively, the performances of debutante Hull merchants Richard McWilliam and Peter Donnelly was particularly impressive. A late consolation for the Spartans via an inexplicable penalty award was immaterial.

LOSING THE PLOT IN THE SAME OLD STORY
GROUP A: ITALY 2-0 ENGLAND LAGS
Scorers: None

The Group of Death (number 1 in a series of 4 Groups of Death) was playing to form, and with the Italians having beaten Dublin also by a three goal margin, the two favourites clashed in what would probably be the group decider. The Management Dream Team had a number of elaborate tactical ploys up their four sleeves, but all the careful planning went out of the window when the Lags lost their collective rags at the first sign of Italian play-acting.

McManus had already spurned an excellent opportunity clean through on goal to open the scoring, when tempers quickly became frayed in the scorching midday sun. Donnelly had been tasked with 'looking after' the Italian midfield prima-donna, and a typically 'solid' challenge found numero dieci claiming a new world record with thirteen consecutive rolls whilst screaming in agony. Donnelly was booked, the Lags were incensed, and concentration was lost. Confrontation followed confrontation for five minutes, but the Italians took full advantage to notch a scrappy opener, catching the English back four square with a long ball over the top. Even though this focused the Lags attention back on the job in hand, a superb twenty yard strike from the Italian left-winger effectively killed the game after fifteen minutes. The Lags did put up a spirited second half display and created a number of half chances. But in truth the Italians were content to sit back and soak up the pressure, and the outcome was never really in doubt.

DAMO AT HOME IN THE BOX
GROUP C: ENGLAND LAGS 6-0 DUBLIN
Scorers: Richmond, Reeves, McWilliam(2), Abbott, Mackinney
Despite that disappointing result, the Lags knew a victory in their final group game would see them safely through to the quarter-finals the following day. They achieved this in no little style, producing a classic Lag demolition of opposition who admittedly did not boast the tightest defence in the competition. The passing and the substitutions were fluid and the Lags quickly rediscovered their love of the beautiful game.

After some preliminary jousting with the Irish rearguard, England took the lead. Good work down the left by Abbott found Zurawski pulling the ball back for Skippy to strike home elegantly with his left peg from the edge of the box. Abbott was again at the heart of the second, elaborately turning defenders inside and out before his shot was blocked. Collecting the rebound, he beat the defender once more for good measure before squaring for Reevaldo to slide into an empty net. Richard McWilliam added a good third goal, which he subsequently surpassed with a quite brilliant fifth, dancing around a string of helpless defenders before adroitly flicking past the keeper. Abbott continued his record of scoring in every World Cup as Reevaldo returned the compliment by squaring to him at the end of another jinky dribble.

Even now, the Management Dream Team were not content to rest on their laurels, and threw on Mackinney to lend his weight to the attack. Reevaldo soon threaded a fine through-ball to send Damo galloping away with a clear run on goal. The keeper blocked his first effort, to which the Lag's first response was to exclaim "Oh f*ck!". Having got this out of his system, the big man sped off to collect the rebound, turn on something a little larger than a sixpence, and rifle an unstoppable left-foot shot into the roof of the net for his first international goal. There was even time left for Stevey O to give a master-class in the art of the big centre-half. It was a rousing end to a mixed bag of a day, and the Lags trundled off to continue their party, safe in the knowledge that a quarter-final awaited them the following day.

DEMOLITION DERBY
QUARTER-FINAL: ENGLAND LAGS 5-0 ENGLAND NIPPERS
Scorers: McWilliam, Reeves, Lambert, McHattie, Mackinney
The Nippers spectacular efforts the preceding day in topping a Group that included last year's finalists France set up a mouth-watering all-England quarter-final. The initial exchanges were typical of an English derby match, and it took a special strike from Richard McWilliam to break the deadlock. Reevaldo scored an equally spectacular long-range second just before the interval, and the outcome was practically assured.

The Nippers put up a brave effort, but struggled as their relatively small squad tired in temperatures that soared to a blistering 36 degrees. But with Clarkey expertly nullifying the Nippers' main goal-threat Jaz Badeisha, the Lags showed no mercy and went on to score three more goals. Simon McHattie neatly tucked away the third after the keeper had blocked a shambling Reevaldo shot, and Stevey Lambert expertly converted the fourth as he culminated a characteristic burst from midfield. Damo Mackinney then added a stunning fifth, diving full length to head home a beautiful Zurawski cross and claim his second goal of the tournament. "Err, quite remarkable!" expostulated a blather of startled commentators, although one can only pity the lot of the poor Mackinney grandchildren as yet unborn.

The only sour note in an emphatic victory was a penalty appeal by McHattie, that opponents and team-mates alike perceived to be a bit of a dive. The other Lags were not shy to criticize this most un-Corinthian of acts, and any other response would have been hypocritical after similar acts by the Italians had been roundly condemned the day before.

LAGS CZECH OUT
SEMI-FINAL: CZECH REPUBLIC 4-1 ENGLAND LAGS
Scorer: Reeves
The Lags went into their second semi-final in three World Cups buoyed by some inspirational words from Dream Team representative Keith Sidaway delivered in the style of Shakespeare's Henry V. The brave knights of England were duly inspired and set about the natives with gusto. The Lags dominated the first ten minutes, and some slick passing and movement off the ball created some good half-chances. A Spence-Abbott interchange found the Scot's shot being acrobatically saved by the Czech keeper before Spence came oh so close to opening the scoring with a blistering pile-driver that beat the keeper but hit the post. Keith Sidaway also brought a good save out of the keeper.

Unfortunately, after this impressive spell, the old men's bolts were shot. They were unable to keep up that level of performance in thirty-six degrees against a team boasting a number of teenage semi-professionals with more pace than little Mickey Owen on speed. Perhaps the Lags were getting old. Having weathered the initial storm, the Czechs kept their composure and took the lead with a well worked goal. A second before the break, which also originated from their adolescent wide-men, virtually sealed the outcome. A cruel bobble defeated Lag keeper Cookie for the third, and as English heads wilted in the heat a fourth goal was not far behind.

It was left to the impressive Reevaldo to restore a little pride with a consolation near the end. Breaking clear on half way, the Hackney hole-meister's 'deceptive pace' took him clear of two trailing defenders in what can best be described as an optical illusion. The defenders' legs seemed to be moving far faster than the Englishman's shabby gait, yet the gap between attacker and defenders grew larger! Taking the ball into the penalty box, Reevaldo calmly stroked a neat finish into the far corner, and secured his place as the top English goalscorer in the competition with four goals.

AND FINALLY...
3rd/4th Place Play-Off: ENGLAND LAGS 0-2 ENGLAND PUPS
Scorers: None
It was too hot. The pitch was too bobbley. The pitch was too big. It was the wrong kind of grass. Most of the Lags were carrying serious injuries. It was too hot. The foreign food didn't agree with the more mature palate. Skippy must have been fouled when he put a header from six yards over the bar. The Lags had not been afforded the luxury of individual changing rooms commensurate with their status and abilities. Malcolm retired too early. The Pups first goal was very nearly offside. It was too hot. The Lag goal machine that was Damo "Rosario" Mackinney had been obliged to get a bus back to the airport and missed the match. The Pups' cynical captain ruthlessly took the Lags top scorer Reevaldo out of the game with a viciously calculated late scythe that he later had the youthful impertinence to claim was "accidental". It was too hot. The foreign referees were insensitive to the sensitivities of a typical English derby match. Those iron-on numbers kept peeling off the Lags' shorts. Abbott should surely have had a penalty when innocently blocked by Pup keeper Pendleton. Malcolm retired too late. Who'd have expected Noobie to hit the target from that kind of distance? The Pups had employed some underhand tactics by being soundly beaten in every Lags-Pups match since time began and then playing really well when it mattered. Brown had the tactical nous of a rabbit - how had he pulled that result out of the hat? It was just too hot.

RHAPSODY IN BOHEMIA
But when all was said and done, the Lags had always said they were just glad to be at the party, and the party had been excellent. After a few beers had been sunk, and a profitable cultural exchange had been conducted in which a number of limited edition Lag Leisurewear fashion accessories (RRP GBP 1.69) were swapped for WebEgg Designer Label Armani polo-neck shirts (RRP EUR750), the elderly party and a number of crates boarded the Caravan of Love to have their spirits revived by the lilting croons of Hoggy (the Dean (House) Martin of Hull) and the street-wise raps of MC Manus. At least the Lags could claim to be Top of the Pops, if not on top of the Pups.

MEMOIRS OF A SHORT CZECHERED CAREER IN LAG MANAGEMENT Reflections by Delivery Manager Keith Sidaway

THOUGHTS FROM ABROAD
The intended audience for this is largely the same as the players who were on tour. So rather than replay moments that are already 'in mind' and, unlike the Lags, well-rehearsed (plus to ensure that more sensitive matters 'stay' in the tour bubble), here below are some thoughts and words offering up a singular view of our Prague Lag SOCCERVENTURE.

On Meeting Up…
The thrill and pleasure of meeting up at the airport never wanes. FIRSTBAITING Banoub, and then UNDERSTABILISING the rest of the Pups never diminishes from providing year-to-year pleasure….

On Squad Membership…
The Lags had their share of SITCOMs (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage), DINKIES (Double Income, No Kids), SIMON's (Single Income, Mortgage, One Nipper) and NISS's (No Income, Sponging Student!).The last one really only applying to Mackinney...

On Lag Management In General…
There can be little doubt that the 2002 Lag Management performed their role in the ADMINISPHERE - that mysterious organisational layer beginning just above the Squad rank and file. Who'd want to be in that environment, eh? It was the decisions that fell from the Adminisphere - decisions often so profoundly inappropriate (Zurawski in Right Midfield) or irrelevant (Readie on for the last two minutes of a game) - that made them question their own common sense.

On Pup Management…
The Pups were to be more successful than ever despite Jez Brown's SEAGULL MANAGEMENT, characterised by him flying in, making a lot of noise, crapping on everything, and then clearing off. No style.

On Cartridge Football…
Cartridge Football was a classic TACTISPOILER to keep the Tour Hecklers (you know who you are!) occupied and away from the main issues of the 2002 campaign. Worked a treat!

On Key Policy Decisions…
Policy was set by the Lag Management on issues such as (real) tactics, formations, kit, leisurewear, squad rotation and player-baiting a long time before the squad assembled in Prague. Most of all, the key policy statement - "We're just glad to be here" - dictated the tone of the tour, which, evidenced by the bulging email sack of positive feedback, was spot-on. So we left the BLAMESTORMING in the Highbury Bailey Cabal and went off to enjoy ourselves first, win it second.

On Mackinney…
Mackinney had a huge influence on the tour this year - he appeared in both his own dreams (scoring goals), the management's nightmare's (scoring goals), the kit selection process (imposing budgetary limits) and in the rest of the squads 'concerns' merely at the thought of engaging in conversation. My god, its some management that can coax two goals from talent like that! Not just inspired management, BRILLIAMANAGEMENT!

On Reevaldo…
The ARSEMOSIS (a process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the Supremo rather than working hard) was largely absent from Reeves this year. This is because the Lag Management is impervious to arsemosis, not like the Pup Groom. How else can you explain his continued appearance in the Sunday morning team?

On Sunday Mornings…
Who will forget Reeves as an irritated STRESS PUPPY, seeming to shrink at the thought of Sunday Mornings in amongst the Pups after the Lags had lost 0-2.

On Our Wonderful Hotel…
It suffered badly from GENERICA - features that are exactly the same no matter what room, what view, or what floor you happened to be on. Horrible.

On McManus and Seaman…
Both suffered that OHNOSECOND feeling - the minuscule fraction of time in which they realised they had just gone and f***ed it up. McManus, through on goal at 0-0 against the Italians, Seaman, that ponytail, that freekick. Bah!

On The Bus…
Classic MEMOROKE - Karaoke that will live forever in the minds of all who were on the Lag 'Caravan of Love…'