It was the climax of the club's social calendar, and the great and the good of Logica FC had assembled at a prestigious West End eatery with varying degrees of expectation. Some of the 20 or so big names dotted around the plush Raj Tandoori restaurant held realistic hopes of returning home with one of the prized gongs up for grabs, and could be seen picking nervously at their onion bhajis and chicken jalfrezis. Others, who held less realistic hopes, could be heard reliving their personal triumphs from the season past as if this late reminder would somehow sway the poll results. But a sizeable majority had merely turned up for the beer, a good cuzza, and the fine entertainment that would undoubtedly be provided by the evening's main speaker -
Mr Simon Groom, Supremo.
The lad Groom has done well to re-establish the traditional and popular Logica Football Club Annual Awards Dinner in just over twelve months at the helm. Once again, the Supremo took advantage of the online voting services provided by this ever-helpful cyber-rag, and the players responded enthusiastically in their droves, with over 60% of the eligible electorate getting their crosses into the various boxes. A better turnout, in fact, than both the general election and your average Sunday morning.
After a number of aperitifs, the tensions mounted as the players gobbled hurriedly through their splendid Indian fare. After what seemed like an eternity, the Supremo rose and shuffled his large wad of notes (his speech prompts rather than hard currency, obviously) to indicate that the formal part of the evening was about to start. The audience was first invited to gaze in awe at the huge array of impressive trophies twinkling coquettishly in response to the Raj's seductive overhead lighting.
The evening's presentations began with Groom announcing the international results. It transpired that the players respectively voted as best in the category of Lag, Pup and Nipper at the
Amsterdam World Cup,
all had something in common. None of them were present. With the club's satellite link software temporarily on the blink, it was left to an assortment of England colleagues to collect the awards on the winners' behalf. The first gong to be dispensed was that for Niftiest Nipper. Whilst Mike Marsh, Zia Ahmed and Mike Kalkavouras all polled votes, the clear winner was the impressive Kiran Amin with 67% of the ballot. It is strongly hoped that Amin will be available for the coming season after a couple of very promising midfield performances last time out, coupled with this highly praised international debut.
Moving up the evolutionary chain, the next and most fiercely competed award was for Top Pup. No fewer than five of England's second string warranted nods from their peers for individual performances that saw the Pups oscillate between the highs and lows in quick succession. Having achieved one of the finest results in World Cup history by beating three times Champions Italy, the youngsters were collectively gutted to bow out at the group stage on goal difference.
Matt Denyer, now plying his trade in the Bundesliga on the back of a superb man-to-man marking job against Italy, and his midfield partner and club Captain Div Gautam both polled 8% of the vote. Sharing second place was
Craig Taylor
and
Manlio Trovato .
The Italian born English international had once again excelled defensively at the highest level, whilst the Leeds man undoubtedly deserved the praise of the electorate for his three goals, including a brave one against Edinburgh that had "almost killed him" according to one commentator. But the most popular Pup was undoubtedly Frenchman Sandric Loriot, who polled over half the votes cast. Despite only a handful of appearances at club level, Loriot quickly adapted to international football and weighed in with a number of assists and three goals, including the winner against Italy. Not content with this contribution, the Frenchman also supplied the tournament's champagne moment in the Pup's final game against Edinburgh with an outrageous flick over a defender's head followed by a first time volley. Such was the impression made by Loriot, that he was quickly signed up by a Doc Martens League Club for the coming season.
And so on to England's alleged elite. The vote for most Laudable Lag should have been hotly contested, after England's most experienced squad once again progressed furthest in the tournament before tragically exiting at the hands of France and a penalty shoot-out. But it seems that the old duffers struggled with the modern technology deployed for the ballot, and only a handful of votes were received. This should in no way detract from the merit of the winner, as all were agreed that James McCabe had turned in an outstanding performance at left back on his Lag debut. A combination of competent defending and intelligent passing, that was frequently the trigger for the Lags' most dangerous attacks, betrayed the fact that McCabe now plies his trade on the continent.
As the tension temporarily abated after this initial clump of awards, the mood relaxed as a number of "Special" Awards were presented. Most sought after of these was undoubtedly The Cardboard Box Award, whose origins and traditions date back to the times of yore when Lags were Nippers and Pups merely a twinkle in their mothers' eye. Awarded to the tourist who most consistently spouts bollocks of a tedious, irrelevant and frankly turgid nature, the Cardboard elite of years past were put to shame by a new kid on the block. The Lags received some honourable mentions in dispatches.
Pete Venis
and Stevey Oliver received a joint nomination for their presentation: 'Chardonnay: Grape or Marketing', "an informative and captivating discussion on the relative merits of French wine" according to one voter (a subtle variation on Venis' more regularly exhibited French whine). Novice Lag
Phran Ryder
also displayed some early potential with a "soporific explanation of the symbiotic relationship between Curzon and Dax". Quite.
But the best the old blokes could muster, or indeed the efforts of past winners such as
Phil Rafferty
and
Graham Read,
were put into the shade by clear winner Nigel Hoyland, for whom the plaudits rained in from all quarters. "A great display of mindless waffle bettered only by his textbook exhibition of drunken YMCA dancing" gushed one awe-struck voter. Another fan summed up Hoyland's marathon effort succinctly: "Amsterdam, Friday afternoon onwards. Twat." Another marvelled that "I've never met a man who talks 24 hours a day." It was Hoyland's decimation of the high class field that took him into another dimension. "A revelation," eulogised one experienced commentator, who observed that Hoyland "pummelled Raffo into submission before he even left the blocks." Perhaps the finest tribute came from a voter who noted that Hoyland's feat was "no mean achievement considering the opposition." So an outstanding achievement from the Sheffielder, although it was noticeable that after presenting the trophy, the Supremo did not invite Hoyland up onto the rostrum for an acceptance speech.
There were a plethora of other Special Award categories, and "Big" Jez Brown featured heavily in a number of them. In particular, his goalscoring prowess came in for frequent mention, and the Black Country cliché manufacturer walked away with both the Play The Way You're Facing and the We're Kicking That Way Awards with little or no competition. Brown was also nominated Tour Bully for an "unrelenting tirade of abuse that destroyed the morale of the Nippers star performers, plus one or three Pups in his quest for a striking role".
But Brown did meet his match when it came to The Robbie Keane Award for Most Ludicrous Goal Celebration. Jezza's 'Belly's Gonna Get You' entry was highly praised by the judges, but the clear winner in this category was
Groom's
"touchingly enthusiastic 'Village Idiot' routine" after his first ever Logica goal against
Arab Boys.
"Any
Paul Banoub
goal" also received a deserved nomination here.
Brown was once again on tenterhooks when it came to the Worst Excuse of the Season, for his highly creative explanation for a non-appearance that involved an "all-night card school, booze and drugs extravaganza".
Hatton Major was also praised for his scarcely believable tall tale that his "house had burned down and singed [his] boots". But both of these brave efforts were bettered by a man who has been making excuses for more years than we care to remember. After yet another unproductive morning in front of goal,
Mark Abbott
tried to convince all and sundry that in fact "assists were the new goals". Such was the quality of this entry, that some of the more gullible believed this line, with most notably
Reevaldo breaking the habit of a lifetime and trying his hand at an assist later in the season.
A number of other nominations curiously involved what can best be described as optical illusions. Matt Denyer was nominated for The Stars in Their Passport Award for possessing a photo in said documentation that looked the spit of the lead singer from Hanson (a contemporary beat-combo, I'm told by the "If Selected..." Popular Music Editor). Not to be out-done, Mike Lurch Jaws Herman Marsh was nominated for appearing "not as one famous person but three," whilst Wolfie was nominated for a distinct resemblance to, well, I'm sure you can guess. Finally,
Mr. Keith Sidaway, Legend, also received a number of nominations for the Gerri Halliwell Award for Services to the Dietary Pharmaceuticals Industry.
After this light interlude, it was back to the serious stuff with the main features of the evening. Attention first turned to those who filled the onion bag with some aplomb. The prestigious Golden Boot Award had in fact this year required a pair of boots, for two players had shared the position of Top Goalscorer with nine goals each.
Craig Taylor's
achievement was the more notable since he had played for most of the season in midfield, and his hat-trick against
Archers
was deemed worthy of special note. Taylor's fellow Bootee, Nigel Hoyland, had also played much of the season in midfield as well as fulfilling a striking role. The achievement of the man who is lethal in a variety of boxes, was also the more impressive given that he had scored in eight of Logica's matches last season, and had only started nine games in total.
From quantity to quality, with the award for the Goal of the Season. In a campaign that had thrilled to 49 domestic and 19 international goals, the electorate were spoiled for choice and the range of nominations reflected this.
Craig Taylor's
second goal in the 5-1 demolition of
St.Augustines
("super team move involving three players"),
the same player's second goal in his hat-trick against
Archers
("special goal after taking on three players", "cool finish to round it off")
and
Jon Clarke's
blistering opener against
Sportobello
("a superb first-time left-foot volley", "an absolute peach", "classic lob", "Paulo di Canio-esque volley") were all justified nominations.
Mike Marsh's superb World Cup strike against
Manchester
was also singled out for praise as an "absolute stunner". Jez Brown can never been described thus, but again he was amongst the nominations in this category. Having notched five times this season, once even in the opposition's net, his goal on behalf of
St.Anselms
was selected by a number of voters as the cream of his particular crop ("fantastic finish", "last gasp headed title clincher").
Sadly, one vote in this category proved ineligible under the 'Venis Rule' , which forbids a voter to vote for himself. The nomination was for
Phran Ryder's
penalty shoot-out clincher for the Lags against
Dublin.
Ryder picks up the commentary himself: "With my shorts securely fastened around my waste, and a severely damaged left knee, I trusted my left foot. The ball moved as I hit it, and I scuffed it. It went straight at the keeper, who didn't dive. Yet somehow, the ball found its way over the goal-line. It wasn't going fast enough to hit the back of the net."
This disqualification proved irrelevant to the outcome, with the winner claiming 46% of the votes cast. Not only was this a truly fantastic goal, it was also scored in the pressurised World Cup cauldron against the reigning World Champions. The winner was, of course,
Jon Clarke
for his brilliant goal against
Italy .
"Jon picked up the ball in midfield, shimmied through two Italians, looked up and picked his spot - and he found it from 25 yards with a very sweet shot," recalled one colleague. Another estimated the distance at 30 yards, and justified his vote by observing "England 1 Italy 0 - what more reason do you need?!?" "This goal certainly was special," opined yet another admirer. "What a strike! What a trajectory!" gaped another. The distance further increased to "an incredible, swirling 40 yarder, which Beckham would have been proud of." What ever the actual distance of Clarke's wonder-strike, there is no doubt that it was a clear winner as Goal of the Season.
And so finally to the big one, the most coveted award amongst Logica players, the Players' Player of the Season Award. As is oft observed, there is no finer satisfaction than being praised by your fellow amateurs. Consequently,
Groom
wore a look of extreme gravity as he announced the results in reverse order. In joint third place, with 6% of the vote each, was the ubiquitous Jez Brown together with the Hackney hole-merchant himself,
Reevaldo.
It was a Black Country double act, but whilst Brown looked pleasantly surprised at polling even a single vote, Reevaldo struggled to hide his disappointment. Whether it was caused by not topping the poll, or whether it was rather caused by being rated on a par with Brown, Reevaldo was soon flouncing out of the restaurant with unseemly haste, muttering something about the need for an early night.
Many experts predicted a very tight vote this season, with so many players contributing much to Logica's best season for some time. And Groom was able to confirm that the race was neck and neck as the early ballot papers were being counted, but that as the votes continued to stream in, it became clear that there was going to be a runaway winner.
Craig Taylor
was the runner-up, announced Groom, with a not insignificant 24% of the substantial vote. Clearly Taylor's nine goals, unselfish and non-stop work in midfield, coupled with an outstanding World Cup showing had swayed many of the electorate.
But the outright winner, and the 2000/01 Logica Footballer of the Year was none other than
Paul Mainwaring, who polled a decisive and clear-cut 65% of the large number of votes cast. Despite turning in consistently excellent performances at left back and occasionally centre-half, 'Captain' (as he is amusingly and imaginatively nicknamed by his waggish team-mates) seemed genuinely surprised to pick up the award. Mainwaring only missed one game all season, and has made the left-back slot his own courtesy of some brilliant and intelligent defensive displays. But what sets him apart is that he also manages to get forward and support the attack at every opportunity, as is attested to by his two assists this campaign (the 'new goals', remember).
As the players drifted out of the plush eatery into a balmy Soho summer evening, and headed straight for the nearest pub, there was much debate as to the relative merits of those selected in the various categories. Opinion was typically diverse and wide-ranging, but two things that everyone agreed upon were that the Supremo had organised another top-notch piss-up, and that the 'Captain' was a thoroughly deserving and popular winner of the most prestigious bauble in Logica footballing circles.